Hardening?
Well, as has been a recurring theme for the past couple years, i feel like crap -.-
There is no one to blame, because it is uncertain whose fault it is. Mostly mine, definitely. But aside from blame, which is pointless, the problem is this:
I feel worthless.
Again.
And all subsets of 'worthless', such as
powerless
more-harm-than-good
dull
weak
Anyway, you get the point. Worthless. With a hint of evil. I've always wondered what happens when evil realizes how terrible it is, and hates itself for it's deeds. Well, the wondering has stopped. And since i am ever the optimist in some way or another, i'm at least glad that i don't have to ponder that question anymore. But i'm getting off topic.
So the answer to all this worthless-feeling? Well, sitting around and wallowing in my worthlessness is the worst thing i could do, and it would prove my worthlessness more. Which, obviously isn't what i'm going for. Another option is to do something meaningful. Yes, i know. It's a given. The problem is, everything i try to do that's meaningful either fucks itself and hurts people, or doesn't actually work, leaving me still feeling worthless. And usually, when i was negative emotions, i can reason with myself and find legitimate reasons as to why i shouldn't feel like shit. But in some cases, such as this one, i feel worthless because i don't freaking do anything, and when i do, it fials ridiculously.
So
Back to my options. The third option is to harden myself to feelings such as this and embrace myself for the worthless piece of shit that i am, and learn to be satisfied with myself. I know i can do it. I've tried it before but i was always too scared to follow through with it, because of my source of happiness. My source of happiness is bringing people i cre about happiness. And this has become yet another catch 22. I feel like shit for not being able to fulfill my source of happiness, but i can't seem to let go of my source of happiness and replace it with apathy because, well, it's my source of happiness....
I think this blog is incoherent.
I'm really bad at writing when i have this much shit going on that i want to write down ><
As for turning to my friends, i can't do that either, because that could potetially burden them (assuming they give a fuck about me...lol) and that would further contribute to the feeling of worthlessness. If i could be positive that they really wouldn't be burdened or worried at all, then maybe i could get their help. but then again, what could they do? It's my problem, and it has to be fixed by my actions. Feeling worthless cannot be solved by someone else's words. I have to satisfy myself.
You see, in traditional shonen manga, this is the point in which the protagonist takes a long harrowing journey and fights bears. But since i have no where to journey to, or the strength to fight any bears, i'm just going to...sit here.....forever -.-
Yep, i am totally fuckin worthless.
There is no one to blame, because it is uncertain whose fault it is. Mostly mine, definitely. But aside from blame, which is pointless, the problem is this:
I feel worthless.
Again.
And all subsets of 'worthless', such as
powerless
more-harm-than-good
dull
weak
Anyway, you get the point. Worthless. With a hint of evil. I've always wondered what happens when evil realizes how terrible it is, and hates itself for it's deeds. Well, the wondering has stopped. And since i am ever the optimist in some way or another, i'm at least glad that i don't have to ponder that question anymore. But i'm getting off topic.
So the answer to all this worthless-feeling? Well, sitting around and wallowing in my worthlessness is the worst thing i could do, and it would prove my worthlessness more. Which, obviously isn't what i'm going for. Another option is to do something meaningful. Yes, i know. It's a given. The problem is, everything i try to do that's meaningful either fucks itself and hurts people, or doesn't actually work, leaving me still feeling worthless. And usually, when i was negative emotions, i can reason with myself and find legitimate reasons as to why i shouldn't feel like shit. But in some cases, such as this one, i feel worthless because i don't freaking do anything, and when i do, it fials ridiculously.
So
Back to my options. The third option is to harden myself to feelings such as this and embrace myself for the worthless piece of shit that i am, and learn to be satisfied with myself. I know i can do it. I've tried it before but i was always too scared to follow through with it, because of my source of happiness. My source of happiness is bringing people i cre about happiness. And this has become yet another catch 22. I feel like shit for not being able to fulfill my source of happiness, but i can't seem to let go of my source of happiness and replace it with apathy because, well, it's my source of happiness....
I think this blog is incoherent.
I'm really bad at writing when i have this much shit going on that i want to write down ><
As for turning to my friends, i can't do that either, because that could potetially burden them (assuming they give a fuck about me...lol) and that would further contribute to the feeling of worthlessness. If i could be positive that they really wouldn't be burdened or worried at all, then maybe i could get their help. but then again, what could they do? It's my problem, and it has to be fixed by my actions. Feeling worthless cannot be solved by someone else's words. I have to satisfy myself.
You see, in traditional shonen manga, this is the point in which the protagonist takes a long harrowing journey and fights bears. But since i have no where to journey to, or the strength to fight any bears, i'm just going to...sit here.....forever -.-
Yep, i am totally fuckin worthless.