I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
A lot of things have inspired me to write another journal entry. Everything from one of clayton's past entries about the type of guy he is, to everything going on in my life right now. I'm so confused about so many things. Kerri's been a blessing helping me try to sort some things out, but seriously I think I might be looking for something that doesn't exist. Like, I'm excepting something that I've never had before, so I don't even know if it could be real or not. I think love should be simple and just work, but I'm blindly saying that. Like I'm sure that there will always be things that happen that both people have to work on, but the majority should just fall into place. I'm pretty unclear if I'm searching for someone who I'm happy to be with or someone I'm in love with. or both. I don't know anymore what I'm doing. I think I'm bipolar with love. Sometimes I want something, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel something, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I think it could work, and other times I know it just won't. I think I miss innocent relationships. I miss dates, I miss smiling because I can't stop thinking about the person. I miss the security of knowing he likes me just as much as I like him. I miss just hanging out. Sometimes I feel left out, and I'm not being left out of anything. I'm leaving myself out if that makes any sense. It's weird to say, but sometimes I miss "the idea" of Alex (the first year at least.) Just when the relationship was simple, and we'd just hang out and watch a movie, or play pool, or grab lunch together. Or even just when I would go watch his lacrosse games, and he'd come to my tennis matches. Things like that don't happen anymore--dates like that don't happen. College just changes so much--or maybe just growing up changes things.