frustration at its finest
Sometimes, people...situations I get tangled up in...they never cease to amaze me. Every once in awhile, I get involved in a conversation or a relationship of some kind that kinda makes me look at God with the one eye brow raised, mouth in a straight line expression that says something like, "and just what exactly were you hoping to accomplish by this?" It doesn't really happen all that often, but occasionally. Maybe because of the kind of person I am? Because I hate igorning people and acting like a jerk? I'm not sure. This most recent example is particularly frustrating to me, because I feel like I've failed. And while I realize that may not be true, and I might be analyzing the situation wrong, the emotion of frustration stands all the same.
It all started with an AIM conversation several months ago with an individual that found me on this here wonderful world of myspace with the apparent intent of harrassing me. He started off acting as a complete jerk, and also told me that some of his family was involved in a severe tragedy. This information left me skeptical as to what his intentions and integrity were. After all, who divulges such personal information to a complete stranger? But I looked past that, thinking "hey...maybe he's lying. But if he isn't, and I'm blowing him off...that might do alot of harm." So I kept talking to him. Over the span of time between then and now, our conversations diminished gradually. Mostly it was because I've been busy and not at the computer much. But also because when I was, to be really honest, I tired of being badmouthed for my beliefs, so often mocked by various rediculous phrases, cussed at, my involvement in YoungLife cursed (as well as the organization itself cursed) and stuff to that nature. So I wouldn't say much, ignoring the idiotic accusations and misguided words. No worries. But I always had this gnawing at the back of my head. Mostly it had to do with me thinking, I need to forgive this guy of what he says to me. I might be the only example of Christ he has. I might be the only one witnessing to him. There was once he admitted to being surprised and happy that I was being so nice to him, because how he acted towards me was considerably less than such. He realized that. That was, I think, like the one cool thing he ever said to me. It was really encouraging too, because I thought maybe I was making a difference. Maybe I was breaking this mold that so many non-christians hold that says we're all stuck up, closed-minded jerks who view the whole world that doesn't believe in God as dirty sinners. I don't think that way. In fact 98% of the Christians you will meet, I can guarantee, don't think that way. Funny how the reputation seems to stick all the same.
So then we come to last night and this morning. Last night I watched a movie called Hotel Rwanda. Possibly the best movie I've ever seen. It's definately up there. It focuses on a genocide that took place in Rwanda in 1994. For me, it struck a more personal chord because it sortof puts a picture on the type of ministry I want to be involved in later on. That being for third world countries in some sort of relief effort. There's a line in the movie that was troubling to me. When a Rwandan man asked an American, "how can people see such atrocities that are taking place and stand by and do nothing" he is met with this answer (or what i remember of it):
"people will probably watch things, see what goes on and say, 'Oh that's terrible, that's too bad' and then go back to eating their dinners."
What a horrible statement. And yet, incredibly, disgustingly true.
I've been in a state of unrest now for a long time. I've been itching to go somewhere, to a third world country, to help in any way I can where it is needed. I grow more impatient with silly, selfish Americans who are more concerned with what kind of car to get than how many mouths are hungry right in their own cities. America is a needy, self-driven, Hollywood directed beast. And while I realize that there is plenty of missionary work to be done here, I feel my calling is elsewhere. After watching the movie yesterday, I was inspired to look into getting out of here. So thinking on this whole thing yesterday, and being tired and frustrated that I feel like I want to do so much but have no clue how to go about it, I put up this away message on my AIM:
i dont even really like america.
so now, remind me again...
what exactly am i doing here?
So here we come to this morning. I wake up, rub my eyes and flip on the computer screen to see if anyone left me a message last night. I had a few.
"Eff you you effing nazi."
"If you don't like this country, you can effing leave"
"Go back to where you came from"
So on and so forth.
All from this same individual who, at this point, I could now care less if I ever talked to again.
I leave on the away message, not really thinking about it. Later on I return to the computer to find more encouraging notes of the same manner. Riddled with accusations, swear words and hate. Lovely. At this time, after having thought about it most of the morning, I am furious. Furious because this guy had no idea as to what my intentions were behind the message in the first place, and also because I'm German. Being called a Nazi kindof takes on a new meaning there. I suppose part of it was frustration also at constantly being assaulted in so many ways and me feeling like I was being walked on. I know as a Christian I am told I will treated in this manner, and that I am to not only endure these things, but gladly accept them. Still, I can't help but feel sometimes that it's a little easier said than done. But then, Christ didn't just say it, he did it, and endured the worst right?
I recieved one more angry message a few hours ago, after long having taken the away note down. This one went something to the effect of "Why don't you go do YoungLife in effing China, where they'll kill you." I promptly informed him that YoungLife was already operating in China, and I told him I never wished to speak with him again. Then I called him a moron. Then just a few minutes ago was this: "just confirming more and more that younglife is nothing but a effing worthless cult you suicidal nazi".
I've decided not to answer them anymore. One might suggest to block all his screen names, which I have now done but he keeps popping up with new ones. With each new name comes a new message. Its hard to deal with. So why do I even care and let it bother me? Why just let it slide and write him off as another jerk and not think any more on the subject? In a strange way, it's because I feel like to a certain extent, I've failed. What If I was the one God had in mind to witness to him? Am I not to forgive my brother seventy times seven? Am I not to consider it pure joy when I face trials of all kinds? I feel like I gave up. It wasn't beneficial to me to keep the relationship going, so I ended it. Not only that, but I ended it in bitterness. And what now do I have to show for it? For all I know I'm just another stupid, closed-minded Christian now to him. Fits the same old mold, holds the same old judgements, will quit whenever. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I've let someone down.
It all started with an AIM conversation several months ago with an individual that found me on this here wonderful world of myspace with the apparent intent of harrassing me. He started off acting as a complete jerk, and also told me that some of his family was involved in a severe tragedy. This information left me skeptical as to what his intentions and integrity were. After all, who divulges such personal information to a complete stranger? But I looked past that, thinking "hey...maybe he's lying. But if he isn't, and I'm blowing him off...that might do alot of harm." So I kept talking to him. Over the span of time between then and now, our conversations diminished gradually. Mostly it was because I've been busy and not at the computer much. But also because when I was, to be really honest, I tired of being badmouthed for my beliefs, so often mocked by various rediculous phrases, cussed at, my involvement in YoungLife cursed (as well as the organization itself cursed) and stuff to that nature. So I wouldn't say much, ignoring the idiotic accusations and misguided words. No worries. But I always had this gnawing at the back of my head. Mostly it had to do with me thinking, I need to forgive this guy of what he says to me. I might be the only example of Christ he has. I might be the only one witnessing to him. There was once he admitted to being surprised and happy that I was being so nice to him, because how he acted towards me was considerably less than such. He realized that. That was, I think, like the one cool thing he ever said to me. It was really encouraging too, because I thought maybe I was making a difference. Maybe I was breaking this mold that so many non-christians hold that says we're all stuck up, closed-minded jerks who view the whole world that doesn't believe in God as dirty sinners. I don't think that way. In fact 98% of the Christians you will meet, I can guarantee, don't think that way. Funny how the reputation seems to stick all the same.
So then we come to last night and this morning. Last night I watched a movie called Hotel Rwanda. Possibly the best movie I've ever seen. It's definately up there. It focuses on a genocide that took place in Rwanda in 1994. For me, it struck a more personal chord because it sortof puts a picture on the type of ministry I want to be involved in later on. That being for third world countries in some sort of relief effort. There's a line in the movie that was troubling to me. When a Rwandan man asked an American, "how can people see such atrocities that are taking place and stand by and do nothing" he is met with this answer (or what i remember of it):
"people will probably watch things, see what goes on and say, 'Oh that's terrible, that's too bad' and then go back to eating their dinners."
What a horrible statement. And yet, incredibly, disgustingly true.
I've been in a state of unrest now for a long time. I've been itching to go somewhere, to a third world country, to help in any way I can where it is needed. I grow more impatient with silly, selfish Americans who are more concerned with what kind of car to get than how many mouths are hungry right in their own cities. America is a needy, self-driven, Hollywood directed beast. And while I realize that there is plenty of missionary work to be done here, I feel my calling is elsewhere. After watching the movie yesterday, I was inspired to look into getting out of here. So thinking on this whole thing yesterday, and being tired and frustrated that I feel like I want to do so much but have no clue how to go about it, I put up this away message on my AIM:
i dont even really like america.
so now, remind me again...
what exactly am i doing here?
So here we come to this morning. I wake up, rub my eyes and flip on the computer screen to see if anyone left me a message last night. I had a few.
"Eff you you effing nazi."
"If you don't like this country, you can effing leave"
"Go back to where you came from"
So on and so forth.
All from this same individual who, at this point, I could now care less if I ever talked to again.
I leave on the away message, not really thinking about it. Later on I return to the computer to find more encouraging notes of the same manner. Riddled with accusations, swear words and hate. Lovely. At this time, after having thought about it most of the morning, I am furious. Furious because this guy had no idea as to what my intentions were behind the message in the first place, and also because I'm German. Being called a Nazi kindof takes on a new meaning there. I suppose part of it was frustration also at constantly being assaulted in so many ways and me feeling like I was being walked on. I know as a Christian I am told I will treated in this manner, and that I am to not only endure these things, but gladly accept them. Still, I can't help but feel sometimes that it's a little easier said than done. But then, Christ didn't just say it, he did it, and endured the worst right?
I recieved one more angry message a few hours ago, after long having taken the away note down. This one went something to the effect of "Why don't you go do YoungLife in effing China, where they'll kill you." I promptly informed him that YoungLife was already operating in China, and I told him I never wished to speak with him again. Then I called him a moron. Then just a few minutes ago was this: "just confirming more and more that younglife is nothing but a effing worthless cult you suicidal nazi".
I've decided not to answer them anymore. One might suggest to block all his screen names, which I have now done but he keeps popping up with new ones. With each new name comes a new message. Its hard to deal with. So why do I even care and let it bother me? Why just let it slide and write him off as another jerk and not think any more on the subject? In a strange way, it's because I feel like to a certain extent, I've failed. What If I was the one God had in mind to witness to him? Am I not to forgive my brother seventy times seven? Am I not to consider it pure joy when I face trials of all kinds? I feel like I gave up. It wasn't beneficial to me to keep the relationship going, so I ended it. Not only that, but I ended it in bitterness. And what now do I have to show for it? For all I know I'm just another stupid, closed-minded Christian now to him. Fits the same old mold, holds the same old judgements, will quit whenever. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I've let someone down.