emptyness
Basically-I I need to learn to become content with the fact that I will not go to bed before 4 am anytime in the near future. For the first time in a long time, I started to see myself becoming more content with the way my life was going, and actually loving myself for who I am. It wasn't until recently I realized how empy I used to be, and how miserable I would make myself. It was almost as if I refused to let myself feel any type of joy, and would continue to fall into relationships and friendships with very similar people, and wonder why the outcomes were always the same. I also fell into the trap of trying to make myself feel better by being dependent on other people and living off of their happiness instead of experiencing it on my own. These past few months has been a learning experience,to say the least. For the first time in my entire life I started to do things I needed to do for myself, made my own decisions, really got real with myself, and really got real with God. I feel that my complete outlook on life, my hopes, my ambitions, my thoughts, & ultimately purpose is completely different than what I imagined it to be. Yet at the same time I don't feel capable about dealing with the loss of my grandparents. It's amazing to believe that a month ago that I had two grandfathers, and now I have none. Why so sudden? Why so soon? What was the reason? Only God knows,Only God knows. I thought that my parents divorce was hard, it took me so long to recover, and to this day I still do not have a decent relationship with my dad, but the loss of my Bapa was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. He's only been gone for a month, and yet it feels like he has been gone for years. I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to spend the holidays with him, he was just gone so soon. Sunday's can never be the same, and I keep having to remind myself that my guilt and my tears wont bring him back. I know he's in a better place, but I want to see him so badly. I don't want to see my Grandma be by herself, completely alone, and isolated. I barely seen him at all the last few months he was alive, because I went away to school. I should have came home more..I should have made more of an effort to keep in touch with him. Now I will never get that chance. He's gone. Theres no more Sunday visits, no more country music blaring, no more... every memory stings my insides and i feel like i'm going to fall apart. Even though as I grew older we didn't talk as much as we used to, the bond was undeniable. He was the only man that i can respect as a "Father" and now hes gone. Gone because Doctors made a mistake. How can you not find lung and throat cancer with the amount of doctor visits he made every month? How can they let it be okay. Why did he have to leave so suddenly. I was supposed to spend time with him, I was so excited after not getting to spend time with him over Thanksgiving because i got ill and could not chance him getting sick. I feel like I will never have someone who could love me and make me feel the way he did. He made me feel good about myself, even when I could not feel it myself. He was so proud of me in everything I did, and never said a discouraging word..
When I got back to school it was a little easier to get through each day. Being nearly 200 miles away from everything, seemed to ease my mind a bit. I would still get really upset at night, but so is life. Through Gods strength as well as the courage I recieved from amazing friendships I started to feel less and less empty, I realized that Bapa wouldnt have wantd me to be depressed over his death, and that I would just live each day for the days he couldn't and try and make the most out of them. I felt a change in myself, and I enjoyed actually feeling again. Yet, how short lived, how short lived. Grandpa you just had to go and get sick didnt you? I didnt see you while I was home & I have to live with that for the rest of my life now. I went to school, and we didnt see you for Christmas this year..we always see you guys for Christmas-but not this year. I found out you were sick and it hurt like hell. You're a trooper and I had faith in you. You gave us all a scare, and I made plans to come home this weekend to see you. How wonderful it would be to see you this Friday. I was really excited, thinking of the Card I was going to get you, and the message I would write. Thinking about seeing you and possibly creating a smile on your face. But God just would not have that be. You left us a day before I was meant to see you. I was one day late. one day. I didn't get to say goodbye. You were always a fickle character. I loved you so much, you were such a funny and kind man. I never got to see you as much I would have liked, but that was just how the Anderson family was, we accepted it and moved on. I didn't realize how much I would regret not having a close relationship with you,until now. I always enjoyed our laughs, and was so touched when you called when my bapa passed away, and how you had showed interested in seeing him in the hospital, but couldnt because you and grandma wernt doing well. When you went into the hospital, I didn't know you would never come back. I wish I would have kept in touch more, I wish I would have let you knew I loved you. I love you.
It's hard to rebuild when fresh wounds are cut open again. Starting Over.Starting Over.
God is so amazing, and I have no doubt everything is happening because it was meant to happen, and that everything happens for a reason. However as much as I try to be strong, I continue to fall apart. Death is a funny thing I suppose. I never dealt with it on a personal level until this past year. Now I'm afraid that I'm going to lose everyone around me. I just wish I could take a month off school, a month off from real life, and just regroup. But thats not life, life goes on
I'm strong enough to handle this and I will pull through.
I just want to be a good person & I want to make myself proud.
I want to feel happiness and never become comfortable with simply being numb. Theres more to life than sorrow and dissapointment. God is Good, and I just wish there could be a simple way for me to help myself & my entire family. It's hard to have everyone in shambles, espcially both sides of your family going through the exact same situation. It's a lot to deal with. I hate feeling selfish. I want to be self-less. I pray that I can just be there for my family right now, and maybe along the way help myself. I just feel confused. In my heart I know I have the answers to a new life & new outlooks, and new beginnings, yet it seems hidden under all this pain. wish me luck for a new year ahead, & the opportunity to be a strong and genuine person that can feel happiness.
When I got back to school it was a little easier to get through each day. Being nearly 200 miles away from everything, seemed to ease my mind a bit. I would still get really upset at night, but so is life. Through Gods strength as well as the courage I recieved from amazing friendships I started to feel less and less empty, I realized that Bapa wouldnt have wantd me to be depressed over his death, and that I would just live each day for the days he couldn't and try and make the most out of them. I felt a change in myself, and I enjoyed actually feeling again. Yet, how short lived, how short lived. Grandpa you just had to go and get sick didnt you? I didnt see you while I was home & I have to live with that for the rest of my life now. I went to school, and we didnt see you for Christmas this year..we always see you guys for Christmas-but not this year. I found out you were sick and it hurt like hell. You're a trooper and I had faith in you. You gave us all a scare, and I made plans to come home this weekend to see you. How wonderful it would be to see you this Friday. I was really excited, thinking of the Card I was going to get you, and the message I would write. Thinking about seeing you and possibly creating a smile on your face. But God just would not have that be. You left us a day before I was meant to see you. I was one day late. one day. I didn't get to say goodbye. You were always a fickle character. I loved you so much, you were such a funny and kind man. I never got to see you as much I would have liked, but that was just how the Anderson family was, we accepted it and moved on. I didn't realize how much I would regret not having a close relationship with you,until now. I always enjoyed our laughs, and was so touched when you called when my bapa passed away, and how you had showed interested in seeing him in the hospital, but couldnt because you and grandma wernt doing well. When you went into the hospital, I didn't know you would never come back. I wish I would have kept in touch more, I wish I would have let you knew I loved you. I love you.
It's hard to rebuild when fresh wounds are cut open again. Starting Over.Starting Over.
God is so amazing, and I have no doubt everything is happening because it was meant to happen, and that everything happens for a reason. However as much as I try to be strong, I continue to fall apart. Death is a funny thing I suppose. I never dealt with it on a personal level until this past year. Now I'm afraid that I'm going to lose everyone around me. I just wish I could take a month off school, a month off from real life, and just regroup. But thats not life, life goes on
I'm strong enough to handle this and I will pull through.
I just want to be a good person & I want to make myself proud.
I want to feel happiness and never become comfortable with simply being numb. Theres more to life than sorrow and dissapointment. God is Good, and I just wish there could be a simple way for me to help myself & my entire family. It's hard to have everyone in shambles, espcially both sides of your family going through the exact same situation. It's a lot to deal with. I hate feeling selfish. I want to be self-less. I pray that I can just be there for my family right now, and maybe along the way help myself. I just feel confused. In my heart I know I have the answers to a new life & new outlooks, and new beginnings, yet it seems hidden under all this pain. wish me luck for a new year ahead, & the opportunity to be a strong and genuine person that can feel happiness.