Life, as always is an adventure (A positive rant on a personal Rennisance)
My life is an adventure. When I wake up in the morning I have no idea what to expect of my day. Its usually boring, routine, normal, but then I get days that are the polar opposite, where everything imaginable happens.
The semester has been eventful already- I have yelled, creamed, cried; Ive been enraged, numb, confused, been confident, bored, been overwhelmed and at peace. But I have not been scared, which is a change for me.
Last Monday, first day of the semester, I kissed a boy. I kissed someone who was not Jay, and I have felt bad about it. I told Jay, and proceeded to have a whirlwind week because I was not supposed to. I am honestly happily monogamous, which is a change- if someone were to tell me that I would be happy in a monogamous relationship a year ago, I would have laughed. Then again, if someone were to tell me that I would meet my soulmate and have his wife walk in on us fucking, I would have laughed too. I life is unpredictable like that.
I kissed a boy and we yelled at eachother for an hour or two, then felt sad and miserable and hopeless for a few more, many more in fact, then by Sunday, an understanding was come to after a few hours of looking into eachother's eyes and rerealizing what we mean to eachother. I thought it was going to be a war, battle like that in September that lasted a month and broke me, caused me to hate, fear and despise sex for a while. Not this time.
I have been happy going to class, even the one I dont like. I was happy going to work, even though it was a job I did not like and they let me go. Damn temp position has left me high and dry and jobless. Next stop, Kelly Dining. In this, I have learned I CAN function in the single-digit AM hours, something I did not think possible. But being up at 6 and being cheerful and happy and ready to smile and sell books by 8 has taught me that mornings are actually good- time goes quicker in the mornings.
I also learned I have a voice and I can say no. Jay, you were right- I am not a doormat. I feel more confident in myself. I can express myself an dsay "no" more easily, although I still preface certian things with "i dont want to be mean, but...". What can I say? Old habits die hard. I am feeling more and mor elike a human being each day, a foreign thought to register for me. I am thinking a lot, as usual, anaylizing my surroundings, but finally also using that knowledge to change it, not be a passive onlooker in my own life. Now I just wish that ability were to loan itself to my binging and hoarding of food, which I have also realise dis a problem and I need to fix. Anyone have good tips for the gym?
This post may be confusing, and for that I apologize. I am streaming raw conciousness onto a blank not-page, in my not-journal that does not really exist. This may not make sense; I have realised that I do not make sense many times I open my mouth, but I also have realized that this is not a disability, beause I am no longer embarassed if I need to repeat things a few times until they make sense for those who do not understand Theish, as Jay teases me- I have my own language that follows its own rules. Ive been speaking in class and relaising I may actually be slightly more intelligent that the throng. I am not proclaiming that I am brilliant, just smarter than the average hairless ape, which makes me feel good. I feel good! About myself!! What a change...
My life is an adventure, and for once in a very long time, I am happy to be on it.
The semester has been eventful already- I have yelled, creamed, cried; Ive been enraged, numb, confused, been confident, bored, been overwhelmed and at peace. But I have not been scared, which is a change for me.
Last Monday, first day of the semester, I kissed a boy. I kissed someone who was not Jay, and I have felt bad about it. I told Jay, and proceeded to have a whirlwind week because I was not supposed to. I am honestly happily monogamous, which is a change- if someone were to tell me that I would be happy in a monogamous relationship a year ago, I would have laughed. Then again, if someone were to tell me that I would meet my soulmate and have his wife walk in on us fucking, I would have laughed too. I life is unpredictable like that.
I kissed a boy and we yelled at eachother for an hour or two, then felt sad and miserable and hopeless for a few more, many more in fact, then by Sunday, an understanding was come to after a few hours of looking into eachother's eyes and rerealizing what we mean to eachother. I thought it was going to be a war, battle like that in September that lasted a month and broke me, caused me to hate, fear and despise sex for a while. Not this time.
I have been happy going to class, even the one I dont like. I was happy going to work, even though it was a job I did not like and they let me go. Damn temp position has left me high and dry and jobless. Next stop, Kelly Dining. In this, I have learned I CAN function in the single-digit AM hours, something I did not think possible. But being up at 6 and being cheerful and happy and ready to smile and sell books by 8 has taught me that mornings are actually good- time goes quicker in the mornings.
I also learned I have a voice and I can say no. Jay, you were right- I am not a doormat. I feel more confident in myself. I can express myself an dsay "no" more easily, although I still preface certian things with "i dont want to be mean, but...". What can I say? Old habits die hard. I am feeling more and mor elike a human being each day, a foreign thought to register for me. I am thinking a lot, as usual, anaylizing my surroundings, but finally also using that knowledge to change it, not be a passive onlooker in my own life. Now I just wish that ability were to loan itself to my binging and hoarding of food, which I have also realise dis a problem and I need to fix. Anyone have good tips for the gym?
This post may be confusing, and for that I apologize. I am streaming raw conciousness onto a blank not-page, in my not-journal that does not really exist. This may not make sense; I have realised that I do not make sense many times I open my mouth, but I also have realized that this is not a disability, beause I am no longer embarassed if I need to repeat things a few times until they make sense for those who do not understand Theish, as Jay teases me- I have my own language that follows its own rules. Ive been speaking in class and relaising I may actually be slightly more intelligent that the throng. I am not proclaiming that I am brilliant, just smarter than the average hairless ape, which makes me feel good. I feel good! About myself!! What a change...
My life is an adventure, and for once in a very long time, I am happy to be on it.