Apr 25, 2003 22:41
Well I worked open to close today... twelve hours. Sarah and Laura were there. They are the only ones I really talk to on a personal level. I've come to realize that neither of them realize my true potential as a human being. I also know that I need to get with God and figure out why He led me back to Pompeii. It has come about that I could get a lead position afterall... but then again, not necessarily at Pompeii. Now, that would kill me inside... if I applied for lead, got it, but not at Pompeii. However, I'd go wherever they ask me to. I could always go back to Pompeii as a regular cast member next season. Perhaps I need to spread my wings a bit, so to speak.
Anyway, I still have crazy-like moments in which I over analyze myself and my social welfare. Like with Laura, I keep asking her if she thinks I'm crazy. She is a very nice person and I just wonder if she is just nice enough not to say "could you back away cause you are a lil too crazy". I don't know. But I do know I'd like to have her as a friend. She seems fun. I'm fun, really.
What is not fun is the "me" I've been fighting with for a year now... ME, as God intended me to be, is coming back to the surface. This is not an easy task. And it makes me analyze things that much more. I hope I do not drive away a friendship with Laura because of my own insecurities. I need friends... I mean, I have some, but I need true ones... like Missy... I'm not trying to make Laura into another Missy. Missy is my very good friend from last season who helped me through a LOT. Laura is a new friend this season who I do not yet know too much about. We are gonna hang out on Wednesday I believe, maybe walk around the mall and talk. That's cool.
Yes I still have anger. Yes I still face depression and the magnified ups and downs of life. Yes I still struggle at times with my sexuality. Yes I'm insecure about a lot of things. Yes my biggest fear is not being affirmed (appreciate, accepted). Yes my life is up in the air.
I've been less angry the past week, so I'm working on that. I'm taking my meds like I should. I remind myself that when I am down, I will be right back up in due time. I choose to follow God, therefor choosing not to get involved with girls in "that way"... also meaning not looking at them in a sexual way. I'm trying to decide whether or not to apply for a lead position and how I would handle it if I was a lead and placed somewhere other than Pompeii. I'm trying not to rush a friendship with Laura or tell her too much too soon. I just want people to know there is a truly Christ-like person within that I am trying to recover. I just want thanks for things I do right or well or things I just do as a human being on this earth. All of this is on my mind and in my life. I don't know what will happen... if I'll apply for and get Pompeii lead, or lead at another location in the park, or if I'll stay at Pompeii as a baseline cast member. I don't know if a genuine, mutual friendship with Laura will come about. But you know what... it doesn't matter cause God has control here. Last summer I wanted control and I screwed up. This time, it's all Him. I'm listening, God, just say the words in that gentle breeze and I will follow you, Pompeii or elsewhere... to a new friendship or just another person who knows my story.
Well that is all for now. I am so tired... and my heels are killing me. I haven't decided if I'm working another 12 hour shift tomorrow or not... I guess it depends when I wake up and drag myself out of bed. Man I wrote a lot and I thought I wrote like, a paragraph or two. hehe.