1 - A desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
Before I get into it I have a question for anyone that reads...
I keep a journal inside of the program that is separate from this.
It is a bit more to the point and honest. Not to say there is any fallacy here but there is a bit of romanticism. It isn't nearly as winded as any of my online journals and I was wondering if it would be worth it to post my daily journal here as well, in italics before I write. Would it be of interest or would it distract my train of thought when I sit down to write? I will keep both regardless, but if there is interest I will post both. Let me know.
I find myself helping others by nature now, only realizing what I have done long after the fact. Here in the big city it is 104 degrees with the heat index. I walked 45 blocks today with the scriptures, 4 Walt books and a cd case in my bag. Tired. When I got back to the mission I decided to come back up here to the library and update. As I was walking I noticed a man walking with 4 bags. Ended up going out of my way to help him carry them. On a hot day as this it was simply too much for him to carry. When he complained of thirst I gave him the only water bottle I had. Small, yes... but these are the instances where I find my redemption blossoming.
Pep was good this morning, as it was yesterday. All of the guys in the program (About 15 of us in all phases) get together, meditate and read for about 15 minutes then listen to some words of encouragement. On Fridays however, there are no words of encouragement... Not from the leader anyway. On Fridays there is a chance for the program members to share concerns, joys and introduce themselves. There was an apology from a proud man, Curtis... Which humbled us all. My bunkie, William introduced himself and shows more and more promise with each day. Youngster remained quiet and as Cowboy is gone to spend time with his family... He was missed. I spoke up and told the guys for the first time that in doing this I left all of my friends and family behind. Moreover that I didn't tell a single one where I was going. Though I emailed my mother the link to this journal yesterday I doubt she will know where I am at exactly... Let alone understand my motives for such decisions. I shared with them how I lay awake at night searching for emotion but find none. I shared with them some of my writing which made me very, very nervous. I shared with them how its been years since I've felt steady, real emotion. I also shared with them how just in two days I've felt tears well up in my eyes two times. (I am quite certain when I finally break, it will be in front of a large crowd who inspired the emotion.) Finally I shared with them a verse of Scripture I highlighted. Now I have read Matthews through 2 Corinthians in 3 days highlighting what stood out to me. I shall post it here in time. Some of the verses are quite obscure but this particular one is not. It goes as follows...
Though we are perplexed, we are not in despair.
This is where I came to a moment of self realization, as well as God realization. I have come down on myself for not making strides in great leaps and bounds while here. What I haven't realized is I've only been here a month and on the program for a few days. I failed to see the progress, no matter how little, that I have made.
So today I can say one truth. Where before I lived a life of madness and despair... Though I am still perplexed, I am no longer in despair.
I suppose that is progress.
PS: Nicole and 'Jessica'... I am very much anticipating your letters. As I will not receive any from family or friends. If any of you reading this would like to send me a letter of love or encouragement to help me over the next 7 months I would greatly appreciate it. If you leave me your email address I will send you the mailing address. It will be a long 7 months out of hell, and I would love your love and support. I'm open. All the way.
Andrew.
I keep a journal inside of the program that is separate from this.
It is a bit more to the point and honest. Not to say there is any fallacy here but there is a bit of romanticism. It isn't nearly as winded as any of my online journals and I was wondering if it would be worth it to post my daily journal here as well, in italics before I write. Would it be of interest or would it distract my train of thought when I sit down to write? I will keep both regardless, but if there is interest I will post both. Let me know.
I find myself helping others by nature now, only realizing what I have done long after the fact. Here in the big city it is 104 degrees with the heat index. I walked 45 blocks today with the scriptures, 4 Walt books and a cd case in my bag. Tired. When I got back to the mission I decided to come back up here to the library and update. As I was walking I noticed a man walking with 4 bags. Ended up going out of my way to help him carry them. On a hot day as this it was simply too much for him to carry. When he complained of thirst I gave him the only water bottle I had. Small, yes... but these are the instances where I find my redemption blossoming.
Pep was good this morning, as it was yesterday. All of the guys in the program (About 15 of us in all phases) get together, meditate and read for about 15 minutes then listen to some words of encouragement. On Fridays however, there are no words of encouragement... Not from the leader anyway. On Fridays there is a chance for the program members to share concerns, joys and introduce themselves. There was an apology from a proud man, Curtis... Which humbled us all. My bunkie, William introduced himself and shows more and more promise with each day. Youngster remained quiet and as Cowboy is gone to spend time with his family... He was missed. I spoke up and told the guys for the first time that in doing this I left all of my friends and family behind. Moreover that I didn't tell a single one where I was going. Though I emailed my mother the link to this journal yesterday I doubt she will know where I am at exactly... Let alone understand my motives for such decisions. I shared with them how I lay awake at night searching for emotion but find none. I shared with them some of my writing which made me very, very nervous. I shared with them how its been years since I've felt steady, real emotion. I also shared with them how just in two days I've felt tears well up in my eyes two times. (I am quite certain when I finally break, it will be in front of a large crowd who inspired the emotion.) Finally I shared with them a verse of Scripture I highlighted. Now I have read Matthews through 2 Corinthians in 3 days highlighting what stood out to me. I shall post it here in time. Some of the verses are quite obscure but this particular one is not. It goes as follows...
Though we are perplexed, we are not in despair.
This is where I came to a moment of self realization, as well as God realization. I have come down on myself for not making strides in great leaps and bounds while here. What I haven't realized is I've only been here a month and on the program for a few days. I failed to see the progress, no matter how little, that I have made.
So today I can say one truth. Where before I lived a life of madness and despair... Though I am still perplexed, I am no longer in despair.
I suppose that is progress.
PS: Nicole and 'Jessica'... I am very much anticipating your letters. As I will not receive any from family or friends. If any of you reading this would like to send me a letter of love or encouragement to help me over the next 7 months I would greatly appreciate it. If you leave me your email address I will send you the mailing address. It will be a long 7 months out of hell, and I would love your love and support. I'm open. All the way.
Andrew.