The longest reply I have written in a while, slightly edited since
I read this quotation attributed to Blaise Pascal on an acquaintance’s status lately and it seems timely, “The heart has reasons that reason cannot know.”
Your experience bears familiar characteristics: attributing same-sex attraction (at puberty) as a passing phase; unexpected, intense attraction; confessions that end in disappointment and more questions.
Would it comfort you to know that your feelings are shared by others? Our experiences differ in the details, not the themes. This much I gather from what I have lived and learnt of other women’s experiences. Some have buried them, some have gone on to clarify what they meant.
Does the similarity in the themes of experiences mean that you are queer? I dare say you would be the most qualified person in the world to determine this for yourself.
Since being queer is a challenge in a heteronormative society, such questions do not arise whimsically and when they do, perhaps deserve pursuit. Don’t hurry in the way that people do to classify yourself. Explore the literature, media and community at your own pace. Take the time and space to consider what you discover.
Sayoni’s website and Coming Out Guide may be of interest to you. The folks in the Forum are likely to be welcoming; I made many friends there when I was curious and questioning. Incidentally, I now identify as bisexual.
If you would like to talk to GLB-friendly counsellors or join a support group, Oogachaga Women and Counselling & Care Centre have been recommended.
Although it was painful, I am glad that XXXXX was honest with you early. It would be much worse to hear what she told you or to realise it after many years in a relationship -- that is what some (older) women have heartbreakingly experienced and wrote about in the Sayoni forum.
While I am no expert on compatibility, I agree that values are central; the rest can be negotiated.
On the subject of romantic relationships, there has been much psychological research about what makes them work or last. Gottman’s in particular may interest you. Regardless of how similar or different two people may seem, I believe that mutual respect, communication, willingness and effort to accommodate are key.
Whoever you decide you are, I suspect there will be more people whom you will meet, find attractive and I hope, courageously date.
Your experience bears familiar characteristics: attributing same-sex attraction (at puberty) as a passing phase; unexpected, intense attraction; confessions that end in disappointment and more questions.
Would it comfort you to know that your feelings are shared by others? Our experiences differ in the details, not the themes. This much I gather from what I have lived and learnt of other women’s experiences. Some have buried them, some have gone on to clarify what they meant.
Does the similarity in the themes of experiences mean that you are queer? I dare say you would be the most qualified person in the world to determine this for yourself.
Since being queer is a challenge in a heteronormative society, such questions do not arise whimsically and when they do, perhaps deserve pursuit. Don’t hurry in the way that people do to classify yourself. Explore the literature, media and community at your own pace. Take the time and space to consider what you discover.
Sayoni’s website and Coming Out Guide may be of interest to you. The folks in the Forum are likely to be welcoming; I made many friends there when I was curious and questioning. Incidentally, I now identify as bisexual.
If you would like to talk to GLB-friendly counsellors or join a support group, Oogachaga Women and Counselling & Care Centre have been recommended.
Although it was painful, I am glad that XXXXX was honest with you early. It would be much worse to hear what she told you or to realise it after many years in a relationship -- that is what some (older) women have heartbreakingly experienced and wrote about in the Sayoni forum.
While I am no expert on compatibility, I agree that values are central; the rest can be negotiated.
On the subject of romantic relationships, there has been much psychological research about what makes them work or last. Gottman’s in particular may interest you. Regardless of how similar or different two people may seem, I believe that mutual respect, communication, willingness and effort to accommodate are key.
Whoever you decide you are, I suspect there will be more people whom you will meet, find attractive and I hope, courageously date.