Greek letters
My thesis is now 50 pages long and more or less coherent. My thesis advisors are kicking my ass mercilessly. I am very, very close to mental burnout. What's depressing about this is the young pups surrounding me are apparently not only better read than I am, but also inexhaustably curious about everything, ambitious in the pure sense of tireless in their pursuit of deeper knowledge, truth & beauty. Of course they're pretentious little fucks as well (and although they are not really so much younger than I am, they do make me feel very, very old).
This makes me wonder how I've succeeded to the extent that I have in university. I'm not diligent. I'm not tireless. I'm not devoted to pure knowledge, I don't apply for things or hang back to talk to professors. I appreciate academia in controlled doses, and I don't think it's necessarily 'deeper' thought. After putting this thesis together, if I know anything, it's that critics engage more in endlessly circular discussions with too much talking and too little listening. A lot of what we read is formed not of ideas but of gimmicks, methods, feminist, structuralist, marxist, deconstructionist, whatever-- they're lenses, not truths. I've parlayed a gimmick and a turn of phrase into a paper over and over again. The ones with deep thoughts are the ones that come straight from the text. Confession: I quote critics to make fun of them or save myself the trouble of proving things. I play with their ideas. Every now and then I read something truly interesting. More often I read summary+gimmick+righteous outrage/contempt= new meaning. it's exhausting.
This is why I worry. Because these kids, they're sincere. They're smart. They could be the ones that really do change the world, that show us all the revelations of the old things and the romance and really stir things up. But I do just as well as they do so far as I can tell. So either they're barely touching their reserves of brilliance, or this is it, and they're not any better than I am. And what I am is cynical and lazy and feeling like I've been sealed into an aluminum can and stocked on the back shelf. Have I tried hard enough? Am I finding that truth and beauty? Or did I give up and go searching an easier pastime, something that won't contribute any meaning to the world?
It's either that, or their way is stale and self-congratulatory and I am seeking Real Life, Direct Experience.
Someone make sure I keep reading Big Things next year. I need to cover my bases. And funny enough I haven't had time to really get educated.
This makes me wonder how I've succeeded to the extent that I have in university. I'm not diligent. I'm not tireless. I'm not devoted to pure knowledge, I don't apply for things or hang back to talk to professors. I appreciate academia in controlled doses, and I don't think it's necessarily 'deeper' thought. After putting this thesis together, if I know anything, it's that critics engage more in endlessly circular discussions with too much talking and too little listening. A lot of what we read is formed not of ideas but of gimmicks, methods, feminist, structuralist, marxist, deconstructionist, whatever-- they're lenses, not truths. I've parlayed a gimmick and a turn of phrase into a paper over and over again. The ones with deep thoughts are the ones that come straight from the text. Confession: I quote critics to make fun of them or save myself the trouble of proving things. I play with their ideas. Every now and then I read something truly interesting. More often I read summary+gimmick+righteous outrage/contempt= new meaning. it's exhausting.
This is why I worry. Because these kids, they're sincere. They're smart. They could be the ones that really do change the world, that show us all the revelations of the old things and the romance and really stir things up. But I do just as well as they do so far as I can tell. So either they're barely touching their reserves of brilliance, or this is it, and they're not any better than I am. And what I am is cynical and lazy and feeling like I've been sealed into an aluminum can and stocked on the back shelf. Have I tried hard enough? Am I finding that truth and beauty? Or did I give up and go searching an easier pastime, something that won't contribute any meaning to the world?
It's either that, or their way is stale and self-congratulatory and I am seeking Real Life, Direct Experience.
Someone make sure I keep reading Big Things next year. I need to cover my bases. And funny enough I haven't had time to really get educated.