Just thinking out loud
I've been taking Prozac for a few weeks, and there's been a few days when it's started to work. Which makes the days when it's not working, like today, even worse. Because now I know that it hurts to think, and that I only take real pleasure in my current obsession, and I know that that's not right.
I had known that something was wrong, but I hadn't had anything to compare against. I'd thought the pain and disrupted concentration whenever I tried to do something complex was normal. In fact, I didn't really notice the pain. I thought that doing complex things was just inherently unpleasant, and the reason I couldn't deal with the unpleasantness was because I sucked.
I can deal with the unpleasantness -- I'm feeling it now -- but not all the time. It's painful and exhausting, and I cry when it gets too bad. And that's embarrassing when it happens in public. And I can't talk properly because my voice goes all funny. If it gets too bad over a long period of time, I get all depressed, annoyed, and apathetic. Which is the reason I'm not in class right now. It's okay, though, all the stuff's online and I can do it from home. Even the group assignment, now.
So now I don't have to beat myself up when I try to do anything significant and give up because it's so unpleasant! I'll just wait until the drugs kick in again. It's probably not a good idea to refuse to do my laundry/make anything more complicated that a sandwich/buy something from a shop/write a story/clean up/fix my computer/organise anything/I could go on, since some of that stuff I have to do whether it hurts or not, so I'll probably change my mind later, but right now I'm just too fed up to deal with it any longer.
I had known that something was wrong, but I hadn't had anything to compare against. I'd thought the pain and disrupted concentration whenever I tried to do something complex was normal. In fact, I didn't really notice the pain. I thought that doing complex things was just inherently unpleasant, and the reason I couldn't deal with the unpleasantness was because I sucked.
I can deal with the unpleasantness -- I'm feeling it now -- but not all the time. It's painful and exhausting, and I cry when it gets too bad. And that's embarrassing when it happens in public. And I can't talk properly because my voice goes all funny. If it gets too bad over a long period of time, I get all depressed, annoyed, and apathetic. Which is the reason I'm not in class right now. It's okay, though, all the stuff's online and I can do it from home. Even the group assignment, now.
So now I don't have to beat myself up when I try to do anything significant and give up because it's so unpleasant! I'll just wait until the drugs kick in again. It's probably not a good idea to refuse to do my laundry/make anything more complicated that a sandwich/buy something from a shop/write a story/clean up/fix my computer/organise anything/I could go on, since some of that stuff I have to do whether it hurts or not, so I'll probably change my mind later, but right now I'm just too fed up to deal with it any longer.