fiberglass/ my heart/ your words/ i'm giving blood until i faint
*note* please don't read this. i know that sounds ridiculous, but if this isn't about you... and you'd know if it were, please respectfully decline from reading. thanks for allowing me to be odd.
Okay, so you don't answer calls. You avoid seeing me, and when you see me, all you can offer is some distant and resentful gaze. We need to talk, and you refuse to talk. So this is me talking; this is me trying to love you well.
Don't you remember when you called me, in tears, and you talked about your pride being the wedge in our friendship? Don't you also remember the messages you sent over the computer of "I hate you. I hate you."? I personally was convinced that when we talked things out that night, that these things were cleared, and that we were no longer guarded and resentful toward one another.
Everything I've gotten from you the past six days screams to me, loud and clear, that I was operating under a misconception. Every interaction you and I have had has given me absolute indication that you still hate me.
So I've been completely broken over this, trying to figure out why the hell I am here when you still hate me. I sat in the car tonight, and I asked God how He wanted me to treat you. I knew He wanted me to love you, but I had no clue what love looked like in this situation. I asked God to take away all of my resentment toward you for hurting me, all of my bitterness. I asked Him to heal all of the rejection and inadequacy that I've felt through this relationship.
I don't think that you've ever attempted to view this situation, this relationship, from my point of view. I disciple you. Anyone with any bit of awareness and spiritual credibility knows that to be true. But if someone were to ask me what our relationship was, I would not say it was a discipleship- I would call it a friendship. But when you don't want God to use me to speak into your life, you purposely reject me and keep me out of your life. I could deal with that rejection if this were a discipleship, and I felt in some way to be the superior in the relationship. When you reject me that way, I receive it as being from a friend, and you might as well just break me down and kick me time and time again.
You still don't understand that I treasure you. You have to understand that I believe God has caused us to cross paths, and He expects me to protect you, and help you to become someone He sees as good and faithful. When you openly reject me and distance me, there is part of me that wants to call it a night and just walk away from you. You couldn't be any clearer in saying you'd rather I not be in your life, and sometimes I wish that I could take you up on it, so that you couldn't have the power of breaking my heart time and time again. But I hear Him, and He reminds me of how He speaks to me about your life. He reminds me of how He confirms the things I say to you, so that I might have faith and trust Him to say more. And He gives me these visions, or glimpses, of how precious you are to Him, of what you look like through His eyes, and now I can't look at you without seeing you that way.
How can I walk away from the person whose preciousness and value God has allowed me to see? When I feel your rejection, I can't reject you back, no matter how badly I hurt over it. All I can do is love you. I try to tell you that I love you as often as possible, because I feel like you need to hear it from someone who means it. Even when I say it, I don't feel like I say it enough. I feel like I could repeat the same three words thousands of times, and it would still be an injustice to these glimpses I've had of how precious you are.
I know that doesn't mean a whole lot to you. Trust me, in fourteen months I've figured that out. I know that for whatever reason, you are more interested in the type of love that is wrapped with need, and the selfish ambitions that mistake themselves for love. It's possible that you find those things more comfortable, as they require much less of you. It would be silly of me to get mad at you for this. You're not the one who has been fortunate enough to see a person's value in the eyes of God. We've always known that this relationship was unique. I have to admit that I envy you- that I wish there were someone in this world who could see what God thinks of me and sees in me... it's just such a weird concept to me.
I found out why you're so terrible at loving. And I know the prayer that could shatter some of these things, and begin a long restoration process in that isolated heart of yours. But I can't pray with you. I can't see you. I can't talk to you. I can't even look at you without you despising me for something that has nothing to do with me.
You despise me for being able to speak into your life. And you get mad at me for it, as if it were part of who I am, as if I were just someone who speaks with ridiculous clarity and detail into the lives of other people. And that is not who I am. And when you hate that about me, there's nothing I can do to stop you from hating. I can't stop hearing God's voice. And when you decide to resent me and reject me, you view me as some sort of heavenly vending machine that is only good for offering "yes"s and "no"s. But that resentment and rejection is received from a person who hurts very much like you do, who isn't much less broken than you are.
I don't know how to get through to you. I have daydreams that one time, I could say "I love you" and all of the resentment you harbor would break off of that heart of yours, and you would stop being so guarded against someone who wants so badly to see you made well. This relationship is not about "yes"s and "no"s... it was never meant to be limited to that. This relationship is about you becoming free from all of that hurt that is inside of your heart. And I don't know if I can help you from a distance.
On Sunday, I asked you if you could recognize a trap if it were set before you. That wasn't just me wasting my breath. There was spiritual significance in that.
I can't force you to let go of this seed of resentment to which you've been holding on. But I want you to know that there is someone in this world who prays for you before he falls asleep- someone who gets down on his face and begs God to heal you- and asks God to use him when necessary.
You shouldn't close yourself off.
I love you so much.
Okay, so you don't answer calls. You avoid seeing me, and when you see me, all you can offer is some distant and resentful gaze. We need to talk, and you refuse to talk. So this is me talking; this is me trying to love you well.
Don't you remember when you called me, in tears, and you talked about your pride being the wedge in our friendship? Don't you also remember the messages you sent over the computer of "I hate you. I hate you."? I personally was convinced that when we talked things out that night, that these things were cleared, and that we were no longer guarded and resentful toward one another.
Everything I've gotten from you the past six days screams to me, loud and clear, that I was operating under a misconception. Every interaction you and I have had has given me absolute indication that you still hate me.
So I've been completely broken over this, trying to figure out why the hell I am here when you still hate me. I sat in the car tonight, and I asked God how He wanted me to treat you. I knew He wanted me to love you, but I had no clue what love looked like in this situation. I asked God to take away all of my resentment toward you for hurting me, all of my bitterness. I asked Him to heal all of the rejection and inadequacy that I've felt through this relationship.
I don't think that you've ever attempted to view this situation, this relationship, from my point of view. I disciple you. Anyone with any bit of awareness and spiritual credibility knows that to be true. But if someone were to ask me what our relationship was, I would not say it was a discipleship- I would call it a friendship. But when you don't want God to use me to speak into your life, you purposely reject me and keep me out of your life. I could deal with that rejection if this were a discipleship, and I felt in some way to be the superior in the relationship. When you reject me that way, I receive it as being from a friend, and you might as well just break me down and kick me time and time again.
You still don't understand that I treasure you. You have to understand that I believe God has caused us to cross paths, and He expects me to protect you, and help you to become someone He sees as good and faithful. When you openly reject me and distance me, there is part of me that wants to call it a night and just walk away from you. You couldn't be any clearer in saying you'd rather I not be in your life, and sometimes I wish that I could take you up on it, so that you couldn't have the power of breaking my heart time and time again. But I hear Him, and He reminds me of how He speaks to me about your life. He reminds me of how He confirms the things I say to you, so that I might have faith and trust Him to say more. And He gives me these visions, or glimpses, of how precious you are to Him, of what you look like through His eyes, and now I can't look at you without seeing you that way.
How can I walk away from the person whose preciousness and value God has allowed me to see? When I feel your rejection, I can't reject you back, no matter how badly I hurt over it. All I can do is love you. I try to tell you that I love you as often as possible, because I feel like you need to hear it from someone who means it. Even when I say it, I don't feel like I say it enough. I feel like I could repeat the same three words thousands of times, and it would still be an injustice to these glimpses I've had of how precious you are.
I know that doesn't mean a whole lot to you. Trust me, in fourteen months I've figured that out. I know that for whatever reason, you are more interested in the type of love that is wrapped with need, and the selfish ambitions that mistake themselves for love. It's possible that you find those things more comfortable, as they require much less of you. It would be silly of me to get mad at you for this. You're not the one who has been fortunate enough to see a person's value in the eyes of God. We've always known that this relationship was unique. I have to admit that I envy you- that I wish there were someone in this world who could see what God thinks of me and sees in me... it's just such a weird concept to me.
I found out why you're so terrible at loving. And I know the prayer that could shatter some of these things, and begin a long restoration process in that isolated heart of yours. But I can't pray with you. I can't see you. I can't talk to you. I can't even look at you without you despising me for something that has nothing to do with me.
You despise me for being able to speak into your life. And you get mad at me for it, as if it were part of who I am, as if I were just someone who speaks with ridiculous clarity and detail into the lives of other people. And that is not who I am. And when you hate that about me, there's nothing I can do to stop you from hating. I can't stop hearing God's voice. And when you decide to resent me and reject me, you view me as some sort of heavenly vending machine that is only good for offering "yes"s and "no"s. But that resentment and rejection is received from a person who hurts very much like you do, who isn't much less broken than you are.
I don't know how to get through to you. I have daydreams that one time, I could say "I love you" and all of the resentment you harbor would break off of that heart of yours, and you would stop being so guarded against someone who wants so badly to see you made well. This relationship is not about "yes"s and "no"s... it was never meant to be limited to that. This relationship is about you becoming free from all of that hurt that is inside of your heart. And I don't know if I can help you from a distance.
On Sunday, I asked you if you could recognize a trap if it were set before you. That wasn't just me wasting my breath. There was spiritual significance in that.
I can't force you to let go of this seed of resentment to which you've been holding on. But I want you to know that there is someone in this world who prays for you before he falls asleep- someone who gets down on his face and begs God to heal you- and asks God to use him when necessary.
You shouldn't close yourself off.
I love you so much.