Oscar Night
If you missed it, trust me: You didn't miss much.
8:30 Glad to see Ellen back after the last few host duds! I LOVE YOU, ELLEN! You look gorgeous.
8:34 OK, so far really baaad teeth and plastic surgery in that audience… Not naming names.
8:38 Ellen’s razzing folks in the audience. Semi-funny.
8:40 Anna Hathaway: Same hairstyle as Ellen. Best supporting actor nominees. Major applause for Jared Leto.
8:42 Jared Leto WON for Dallas Buyers Club. I don’t remember him being that particular shade of orange in My So-Called Life. Red bow tie.
8:44 I only have two Red Vines left. WTF?
8:46 Jim Carrey. Black bow tie. Not funny, blah, blah. Animation clips. Yawn. Tuxes really should be BLACK.
8:50 Kerry Washington introduced Pharrell (sp?) Williams singing “Happy.”
8:52 I’m bored. “I want everybody to get up!” he yells. I don’t think so. This song is MONOTONOUS.
8:53 One Red Vine left. Commercial.
8:56 Samuel L. Jackson and Naomi Watts. Costume design nominees. Winner: Catherine Martin for The Great Gatsby. Didn’t see it. Acceptance speech in her bra. Crazy eyes.
8:59 Nominees for makeup and hairstyling. Winner: Dallas Buyers Club. Adruitha Lee and Robin Matthews. So true what she said about today’s generation not understanding “AIDS 85.”
9:02 Grandpa Harrison Ford talking (with a lot of help from a teleprompter) about some of the best pic nominees. Clips of the films.
9:05 Channing Tatum introducing, um, a bunch of people…. (???)
9:06 Commercial break. Funny how standing out in my driveway, smoking in the dark in subzero temperature, seems much more interesting than watching this show. Is it me? Is it really this boring?
9:08 Still one Red Vine left…
9:10 Ellen’s gave scratch-off lottery tickets to Bradley Cooper.
9:11 Matthew McConaughey and…I missed it. Someone with BAAAAD plastic surgery and possibly laryngitis. I will have to Google it. Best animated short film. Winner: Mr. Hublot.
9:13 Very emotional acceptance speech. Missed the guys’ names, sorry.
9:14 Best animated feature film. Winner: Frozen.
9:16 (ok, I Googled it…that was FREAKING KIM NOVAK!)
9:17 SALLY FIELD! Salute to ordinary everyday heroes (as portrayed in film)…Harvey Milk, Erin Brockovich, William Wallace…wait, Atticus Finch? I thought these were “real” people…
9:20 Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon Levitt (oh he is so cute). Best visual effects. Winner: Gravity. Can't catch all the people’s names so I’m just naming the movies now.
9:23 Zac Efron can’t read the teleprompter. Karen O singing song from Her. Simon Cowell would shit a brick. Throw her a fish.
9:26 Commercial break. I hope I make it through this thing. Oh, cute Muppet commercial!
9:28 LOLOLOL Tina Fey commercial-“A dinges ate my baby!” How sad is it that I’m enjoying the commercials more than the show?
9:29 Kate Hudson (looking amazing!) and Jason Sudeikis. Best live action short film. Winner: Helium.
9:33 Best documentary short subject. Winner: The Lady in Number Six: Music Saved My Life. A brown velvet (?) jacket with a black tie??? I would NOT let my husband accept an award in that getup.
9:36 Ellen wants to order pizza. I want this show to pick up some speed. Bradley Cooper-best documentary feature. Winner: Twenty Feet From Stardom.
9:38 Just realized I have seen none of anything that was nominated for anything.
9:39 Darlene Love belting out “His Eye is on the Sparrow.” Black lace dress on over what looks like a white slip. Just saying…
9:40 Kevin Spacey. Honorary Oscars to Angela Lansbury (88 years old, working on London stage), Steve Martin, some guy I missed looking for my last Red Vine, and humanitarian award to Angelina Jolie.
9:44 Commercial break.
9:48 Ewan MacGregor and a tired-looking Viola Davis. Best Foreign Language film. Winner: The Great Beauty (Italy) Nothing much more sexy than an Italian accent.
9:51 Tyler Perry talking about best pic nominee Nebraska and Gravity with clips.
9:54 Ellen changed her clothes and introduces Brad Pitt…who looks CLEAN for once.
9:55 U2 singing “Ordinary Love” from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom. Standing ovation. So far the highlight of the show. This song should win. It won’t. It’ll be “Let It Go” because of the controversy.
9:58 Commercial. No more Red Vines. Hot pipes. Guzzling water.
10:01 Ellen’s taking s selfie with Meryl, Jennifer, Bradley, etc.
10:04 Michael B Jordan and Kristen Bell, blabbing about miscellaneous award (scientific and technical.)
10:06 Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron. Chris’s suit coat’s too tight. And ugly! Charlize has clear plastic straps holding up her gown. Best sound mixing. Winner: Gravity.
10:09 Best sound editing. Winner: Gravity again. Sandra Bullock, in the audience, looks like a million bucks!
10:11 Christoph Waltz. Best actress in a supporting role. Winner: Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Slave. The girl is in shock! And tears. “No matter where you are from, your dreams are valid.”
10:21 Pizza delivered. Seriously. Ellen is hanging out slices with the delivery guy.
10:23 Cheryl Boone (whoever that is) yawn yawn yawn I have NOOOOO idea what you are blathering about….zzzzzz.
10:25 Amy Adams and Bill Murray. OMG, Bill? Is that you? Best in cinematography. Winner: Gravity. Again.
10: Emma Roberts and Gabourey Sidibe. Best film editing. Winner: Gravity agaaaain!
10:32 Whoopi Goldberg (with striped stockings and ruby slippers) introduces Liza Minnelli and Joey and Lorna Luft; 75th anniversary of THE WIZARD OF OZ. Liza does kind of look like she's impersonating herself. Hey, I didn't say it first...Ellen insinuated it.
10:35 Pink singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with scenes from The Wizard of Oz playing. (That red sequined dress must weigh 40 pounds…oh, and don’t bend over, Pink.) Beautiful tribute!
10:38 Commercial
10:42 Ellen dressed as GLINDA! LOL
10:43 Jennifer Garner and Benedict Cumberbatch. Best production design: (I bet it’ll be “Gravity… ) ………………………waiting……………………OMG The Great Gatsby! LOL-NOT Gravity for a change. Crazy Eyes is back to accept….
10:46 Chris Evans (whoever that is). Clips from a bunch of movies but I missed what he said. (Oh, my daughter says “hero tribute.”) Alien, Indiana Jones, etc.
10:48 Bored and tired. Commercial break.
Q10:53 Glenn Close dressed in…black. Fitting, I guess, for a tribute to those who passed this year, including James Gandolfini, Karen Black, Tom Laughlin, Carmen Zapata, Hal Needham, Eileen Brennan, Paul Walker, Deanna Durbin, Elmore Leonard, Annette Funicello, Peter O’Toole, Sid Caesar, Roger Ebert, Shirley Temple, Joan Fontaine, Juanita Moore, Harold Ramis, Eleanor Parker, Julie Harris, Maximillian Schell, Richard Matheson, Esther Williams, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
10:58 Bette Midler singing “Wing Beneath My Wings.” Nice surprise. Standing ovation.
11:02 Commercial. Big stuff should be coming up…
11:04 Ellen says their selfie crashed Twitter.
11:05 OMG-Goldie Hawn! Or wait…is it Kim Novak again? I CAN’T TELL!!!! Talking about 12 Years a Slave Captain Phillips and Philomena. The real Philomena is actually in the audience, which is pretty cool.
11:08 John Travolta introducing “Let it Go” from Frozen.
11:09 Idina Menzel singing “Let it Go.”
11:12 Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel. Best music score…you guessed it…Gravity.
11:16 Best song: “Let It Go.” I KNEW IT!!!
11:22 Ellen’s passing the hat to collect money to pay for the pizza.
11:23 Robert DeNiro and Penelope Cruz. “The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing…” I wish I could type fast enough to get the whole quote. It was awesome! Something about “soul crushing inadequacy.” Best Adapted Screenplay. Winner: John Ridley for 12 Years a Slave. Best Original Screenplay. Winner: Spike Jonze for Her.
11:31 Angelina Jolie and Sidney Portier. Best Director. Winner: Alfonso Cuaron for...wait for it...Gravityagain.
11:42 Daniel Day Lewis. Best Actress. Winner: Cate Blanchette for Blue Jasmine. Wow, she is all one color--hair, skin, dress. Kind of matches the statuette.
11:46 I would've bought TWO packs of Red Vines if I'd known this would go on till midtnight.
11:47 Cate is still blabbing! Oy.
11:48 Jennifer Lawrence, gorgeous in red, and no, didn't trip this time. Best Actor. I hope Bruce Dern wins, just because he never has. And he is old elderly ancient getting up in years.
11:51 Waiting....waiting.... Nope, it's Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club.
11:42 (Just noticed that everyone in the audience looks orange!)
11:55 Will Smith announcing--at last--Best Picture!
And the Oscar goes to ... (please not effen Gravity again) ...
...12 Years a Slave.
Every time someone says "Steve McQueen" I think--wait, he's dead!
Overall impression: Not worth staying up for. I still miss Billy Crystal.
8:30 Glad to see Ellen back after the last few host duds! I LOVE YOU, ELLEN! You look gorgeous.
8:34 OK, so far really baaad teeth and plastic surgery in that audience… Not naming names.
8:38 Ellen’s razzing folks in the audience. Semi-funny.
8:40 Anna Hathaway: Same hairstyle as Ellen. Best supporting actor nominees. Major applause for Jared Leto.
8:42 Jared Leto WON for Dallas Buyers Club. I don’t remember him being that particular shade of orange in My So-Called Life. Red bow tie.
8:44 I only have two Red Vines left. WTF?
8:46 Jim Carrey. Black bow tie. Not funny, blah, blah. Animation clips. Yawn. Tuxes really should be BLACK.
8:50 Kerry Washington introduced Pharrell (sp?) Williams singing “Happy.”
8:52 I’m bored. “I want everybody to get up!” he yells. I don’t think so. This song is MONOTONOUS.
8:53 One Red Vine left. Commercial.
8:56 Samuel L. Jackson and Naomi Watts. Costume design nominees. Winner: Catherine Martin for The Great Gatsby. Didn’t see it. Acceptance speech in her bra. Crazy eyes.
8:59 Nominees for makeup and hairstyling. Winner: Dallas Buyers Club. Adruitha Lee and Robin Matthews. So true what she said about today’s generation not understanding “AIDS 85.”
9:02 Grandpa Harrison Ford talking (with a lot of help from a teleprompter) about some of the best pic nominees. Clips of the films.
9:05 Channing Tatum introducing, um, a bunch of people…. (???)
9:06 Commercial break. Funny how standing out in my driveway, smoking in the dark in subzero temperature, seems much more interesting than watching this show. Is it me? Is it really this boring?
9:08 Still one Red Vine left…
9:10 Ellen’s gave scratch-off lottery tickets to Bradley Cooper.
9:11 Matthew McConaughey and…I missed it. Someone with BAAAAD plastic surgery and possibly laryngitis. I will have to Google it. Best animated short film. Winner: Mr. Hublot.
9:13 Very emotional acceptance speech. Missed the guys’ names, sorry.
9:14 Best animated feature film. Winner: Frozen.
9:16 (ok, I Googled it…that was FREAKING KIM NOVAK!)
9:17 SALLY FIELD! Salute to ordinary everyday heroes (as portrayed in film)…Harvey Milk, Erin Brockovich, William Wallace…wait, Atticus Finch? I thought these were “real” people…
9:20 Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon Levitt (oh he is so cute). Best visual effects. Winner: Gravity. Can't catch all the people’s names so I’m just naming the movies now.
9:23 Zac Efron can’t read the teleprompter. Karen O singing song from Her. Simon Cowell would shit a brick. Throw her a fish.
9:26 Commercial break. I hope I make it through this thing. Oh, cute Muppet commercial!
9:28 LOLOLOL Tina Fey commercial-“A dinges ate my baby!” How sad is it that I’m enjoying the commercials more than the show?
9:29 Kate Hudson (looking amazing!) and Jason Sudeikis. Best live action short film. Winner: Helium.
9:33 Best documentary short subject. Winner: The Lady in Number Six: Music Saved My Life. A brown velvet (?) jacket with a black tie??? I would NOT let my husband accept an award in that getup.
9:36 Ellen wants to order pizza. I want this show to pick up some speed. Bradley Cooper-best documentary feature. Winner: Twenty Feet From Stardom.
9:38 Just realized I have seen none of anything that was nominated for anything.
9:39 Darlene Love belting out “His Eye is on the Sparrow.” Black lace dress on over what looks like a white slip. Just saying…
9:40 Kevin Spacey. Honorary Oscars to Angela Lansbury (88 years old, working on London stage), Steve Martin, some guy I missed looking for my last Red Vine, and humanitarian award to Angelina Jolie.
9:44 Commercial break.
9:48 Ewan MacGregor and a tired-looking Viola Davis. Best Foreign Language film. Winner: The Great Beauty (Italy) Nothing much more sexy than an Italian accent.
9:51 Tyler Perry talking about best pic nominee Nebraska and Gravity with clips.
9:54 Ellen changed her clothes and introduces Brad Pitt…who looks CLEAN for once.
9:55 U2 singing “Ordinary Love” from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom. Standing ovation. So far the highlight of the show. This song should win. It won’t. It’ll be “Let It Go” because of the controversy.
9:58 Commercial. No more Red Vines. Hot pipes. Guzzling water.
10:01 Ellen’s taking s selfie with Meryl, Jennifer, Bradley, etc.
10:04 Michael B Jordan and Kristen Bell, blabbing about miscellaneous award (scientific and technical.)
10:06 Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron. Chris’s suit coat’s too tight. And ugly! Charlize has clear plastic straps holding up her gown. Best sound mixing. Winner: Gravity.
10:09 Best sound editing. Winner: Gravity again. Sandra Bullock, in the audience, looks like a million bucks!
10:11 Christoph Waltz. Best actress in a supporting role. Winner: Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Slave. The girl is in shock! And tears. “No matter where you are from, your dreams are valid.”
10:21 Pizza delivered. Seriously. Ellen is hanging out slices with the delivery guy.
10:23 Cheryl Boone (whoever that is) yawn yawn yawn I have NOOOOO idea what you are blathering about….zzzzzz.
10:25 Amy Adams and Bill Murray. OMG, Bill? Is that you? Best in cinematography. Winner: Gravity. Again.
10: Emma Roberts and Gabourey Sidibe. Best film editing. Winner: Gravity agaaaain!
10:32 Whoopi Goldberg (with striped stockings and ruby slippers) introduces Liza Minnelli and Joey and Lorna Luft; 75th anniversary of THE WIZARD OF OZ. Liza does kind of look like she's impersonating herself. Hey, I didn't say it first...Ellen insinuated it.
10:35 Pink singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with scenes from The Wizard of Oz playing. (That red sequined dress must weigh 40 pounds…oh, and don’t bend over, Pink.) Beautiful tribute!
10:38 Commercial
10:42 Ellen dressed as GLINDA! LOL
10:43 Jennifer Garner and Benedict Cumberbatch. Best production design: (I bet it’ll be “Gravity… ) ………………………waiting……………………OMG The Great Gatsby! LOL-NOT Gravity for a change. Crazy Eyes is back to accept….
10:46 Chris Evans (whoever that is). Clips from a bunch of movies but I missed what he said. (Oh, my daughter says “hero tribute.”) Alien, Indiana Jones, etc.
10:48 Bored and tired. Commercial break.
Q10:53 Glenn Close dressed in…black. Fitting, I guess, for a tribute to those who passed this year, including James Gandolfini, Karen Black, Tom Laughlin, Carmen Zapata, Hal Needham, Eileen Brennan, Paul Walker, Deanna Durbin, Elmore Leonard, Annette Funicello, Peter O’Toole, Sid Caesar, Roger Ebert, Shirley Temple, Joan Fontaine, Juanita Moore, Harold Ramis, Eleanor Parker, Julie Harris, Maximillian Schell, Richard Matheson, Esther Williams, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
10:58 Bette Midler singing “Wing Beneath My Wings.” Nice surprise. Standing ovation.
11:02 Commercial. Big stuff should be coming up…
11:04 Ellen says their selfie crashed Twitter.
11:05 OMG-Goldie Hawn! Or wait…is it Kim Novak again? I CAN’T TELL!!!! Talking about 12 Years a Slave Captain Phillips and Philomena. The real Philomena is actually in the audience, which is pretty cool.
11:08 John Travolta introducing “Let it Go” from Frozen.
11:09 Idina Menzel singing “Let it Go.”
11:12 Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel. Best music score…you guessed it…Gravity.
11:16 Best song: “Let It Go.” I KNEW IT!!!
11:22 Ellen’s passing the hat to collect money to pay for the pizza.
11:23 Robert DeNiro and Penelope Cruz. “The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing…” I wish I could type fast enough to get the whole quote. It was awesome! Something about “soul crushing inadequacy.” Best Adapted Screenplay. Winner: John Ridley for 12 Years a Slave. Best Original Screenplay. Winner: Spike Jonze for Her.
11:31 Angelina Jolie and Sidney Portier. Best Director. Winner: Alfonso Cuaron for...wait for it...Gravityagain.
11:42 Daniel Day Lewis. Best Actress. Winner: Cate Blanchette for Blue Jasmine. Wow, she is all one color--hair, skin, dress. Kind of matches the statuette.
11:46 I would've bought TWO packs of Red Vines if I'd known this would go on till midtnight.
11:47 Cate is still blabbing! Oy.
11:48 Jennifer Lawrence, gorgeous in red, and no, didn't trip this time. Best Actor. I hope Bruce Dern wins, just because he never has. And he is old elderly ancient getting up in years.
11:51 Waiting....waiting.... Nope, it's Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club.
11:42 (Just noticed that everyone in the audience looks orange!)
11:55 Will Smith announcing--at last--Best Picture!
And the Oscar goes to ... (please not effen Gravity again) ...
...12 Years a Slave.
Every time someone says "Steve McQueen" I think--wait, he's dead!
Overall impression: Not worth staying up for. I still miss Billy Crystal.