Try once like i did before,sing a new song Chiquitita
Its weird when you so obviously don't want thinsg to happen but other people insist on making them happen and all you wnat is so apparently to be left alone or just chill and no one will let that happen and you get stuck with the mess and the confusion. And Phillip hates me.Goddamn, i do the best I can. Its not shit but I its more than yours. But I'm over it, I'm over life.
I try so hard to be a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, a good person. And I fail horribly at all them Everyone says that Ishould just be more careful of who I give my emotions to, if they don't accept me then I shouldn't accept them. So I am. If I don't like something about someone then tey're out. And I accept your right to do the same with me.But I don't understand it. The more i give the more it hurts. I may not express itin the right but at least I express myself. And not just the bad, but the good. But all people see in me is the bad. I don't "get some sick pleasure out of ruining people's lives". i hope I have never ruined anyone's life. I thought it was pathetic if someone could let someone as pointless as me ruin their lives. I'm not a person, I just do the meaningless things for life. bUt then I realize I do do that.Not to the crazy bitch said that. Shes melodramatic and weird and way too upset about things i say when I don't know her and vice versa. But its always people I love the most. Evey time someone tells me i influenced their lfie it makes me cry. ANd I am so sorry I did that to you. You don't deserve it. Even though it hurts me when someone I love talks so badly about me, I at least understood. At least tehy realize and got out before it was too late. I tried my best and it was the worst thing Ic ould do to you. Everyone who I rejected is so lucky and they should understand and appreciate it. I fuck everyone up so bad and I can't decide whether its better to get out and let them try to figure it out or stay with them b/c I need them and want to help. Maybe its selfish but I need it too. Maybe only one person ever understood I was ruining their lives and even though I still don't think it was a big deal I appreciate that itw as to them and as much as I would like a chance to let them know that,they don't wnat to hear it.I hope when I die I'm not remembered. Becuase nothing I do is worth it and when I die the world will be bettered I think slightly. I'm afraid to move. What will I say next that will hurt someone or give them a complex or make them insnae like me? I cna't even leave this place b/c I;m afraid of traumatizing someone. I just want to sleep and fade away. NAd I even hate myself for saying all this. please just understand that I'm trying to get you to go away. Thats why i do what I do. I sleep around, drink, smoke and am a bitch so that poeple rspect me less. am so disgusted with anyone who can honestly say they respect me. Thats why I hate boys. ANy guy who hasever expressed sincere interest I want to die and am extremely mean to. ANyway who hinks they can live their life with me is so naive and a huge idiot. I'm so glad my best friends live so far away, they have no clue how awful it is and tehy see the best of me. Its still not great but I'm glad for the illusion and I'm glad I can't hurt them too much.
and I hate livejournal becuase theres nothing you can say or do and now I'm just in this constant cycle of hurting you more. Don't be hurt. Just try and understand tha i love you but watch what I do and say and be true to yourself never to me.
I try so hard to be a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, a good person. And I fail horribly at all them Everyone says that Ishould just be more careful of who I give my emotions to, if they don't accept me then I shouldn't accept them. So I am. If I don't like something about someone then tey're out. And I accept your right to do the same with me.But I don't understand it. The more i give the more it hurts. I may not express itin the right but at least I express myself. And not just the bad, but the good. But all people see in me is the bad. I don't "get some sick pleasure out of ruining people's lives". i hope I have never ruined anyone's life. I thought it was pathetic if someone could let someone as pointless as me ruin their lives. I'm not a person, I just do the meaningless things for life. bUt then I realize I do do that.Not to the crazy bitch said that. Shes melodramatic and weird and way too upset about things i say when I don't know her and vice versa. But its always people I love the most. Evey time someone tells me i influenced their lfie it makes me cry. ANd I am so sorry I did that to you. You don't deserve it. Even though it hurts me when someone I love talks so badly about me, I at least understood. At least tehy realize and got out before it was too late. I tried my best and it was the worst thing Ic ould do to you. Everyone who I rejected is so lucky and they should understand and appreciate it. I fuck everyone up so bad and I can't decide whether its better to get out and let them try to figure it out or stay with them b/c I need them and want to help. Maybe its selfish but I need it too. Maybe only one person ever understood I was ruining their lives and even though I still don't think it was a big deal I appreciate that itw as to them and as much as I would like a chance to let them know that,they don't wnat to hear it.I hope when I die I'm not remembered. Becuase nothing I do is worth it and when I die the world will be bettered I think slightly. I'm afraid to move. What will I say next that will hurt someone or give them a complex or make them insnae like me? I cna't even leave this place b/c I;m afraid of traumatizing someone. I just want to sleep and fade away. NAd I even hate myself for saying all this. please just understand that I'm trying to get you to go away. Thats why i do what I do. I sleep around, drink, smoke and am a bitch so that poeple rspect me less. am so disgusted with anyone who can honestly say they respect me. Thats why I hate boys. ANy guy who hasever expressed sincere interest I want to die and am extremely mean to. ANyway who hinks they can live their life with me is so naive and a huge idiot. I'm so glad my best friends live so far away, they have no clue how awful it is and tehy see the best of me. Its still not great but I'm glad for the illusion and I'm glad I can't hurt them too much.
and I hate livejournal becuase theres nothing you can say or do and now I'm just in this constant cycle of hurting you more. Don't be hurt. Just try and understand tha i love you but watch what I do and say and be true to yourself never to me.