misused trust, broken spirits and dander
This is a letter I wrote, but never sent. One that possibly should have been sent, but at the time I was trying not to deal with the emotions I felt. But, I decided to post it here. Might as well, I'm not feeling like this anymore. But it makes for good reading. Enjoy.
so, once again jodi was right.
once again i was wrong.
im not sure how i keep doing this..
trusting in the wrong people..
never trusting in the right ones.
it's really getting on my fucking nerves.
Tonight was fucking lame. Why in the world you would want to try and humiliate me like that is beyond me. For the last several months, I have done nothing but defend you to people who thought you were a cowardly asshole, defend you to people who said you were a piece of shit, defend you to my friends who said you were going to hurt me. Even in my own head, I pushed out any doubts I had and I told myself all these people were wrong. The way you talk about your little girl.. how proud you are to be a father.. I knew in my heart you had to be a good person. And yet, in one evening you nonchalantly waltzed into my life and tore down every sense of being that I have worked so hard to rebuild over the last few years. I'm not sure what part of you thinks that it is ok to treat others like that. You bitch and moan about the crap that all these other people do to you and yet, now I realize it is all self inflicted. You are the master of your own drama. Drama doesnt "find" you as you told me. You create it. Obviously you thrive on it. You must still be with the mindset of the 13 yr old that thinks your life isn't cool unless you have some chaos going on. I honestly don't know how you make it day to day and stay sane. Living like that would wear me out so quickly.
It was masterful, though. I must say. The way you that you mesmerized me and pulled me in. It was like poetry in motion. The email banter, the text messages. Calling me when you were out of town. It was too easy. Almost as easy as with the young ones, right? The girls who are barely old enough to drink. The ones that hang on to every word you say because they are too naive to know better. I am such an idiot to think that you honestly wanted to be friends with me because of the right reasons. All I was to you was a fucking number, another game to play and pass time with. At least I wasn't psycho.. though now that I see your behavior, it wouldnt surprise me that most of those "psycho" girls were completely normal until you came in and fucked with their heads. Who the hell do you think you are to come into people's lives and depreciate their self respect? Why do you think it is even remotely ok to fuck with people's emotions like that?
You know, I feel for you. I really do. You are so lost with yourself that you use other people to try and define who you are. You use them to some how justify your lacking attributes. It must be scary, to have to chase after the young kids and try to maintain the fountain of youth. And it will work for a while, hell for you, I'm sure it's worked for years. But, there will come a day when the young ones become a little wiser and see what is really going on. The idolism that you have now, it won't last forever. Or, maybe you already know that and that is why you are grasping for anything you can get your hands on. You are trying to hold on to it for as long as you possibly can. But, you know.. I see it.. it's started. Your fingers, they are slipping.
That beautiful little girl of yours. She is so precious. You know that and yet as a father to such a brilliant daughter, you have learned nothing. Treating girls they way you do, you think you are getting away with it now. You are chuckling to yourself every night about your latest conquests and adventures. And, you may never see the consequences of your actions in your own life, that is true. But, there will come a day when your perfect child comes to you crying, her heart broken. You will listen to her story and your heart will sink at the all too familiar words. She will ask what she did that was so horrible that caused someone to take her emotions and stomp all over them. She will ask how a boy can tell her so many wonderful things and then be so cruel. And you will realize that you can say nothing without being hypocritical because once upon a time, you were that boy. And it will break your heart.
so, once again jodi was right.
once again i was wrong.
im not sure how i keep doing this..
trusting in the wrong people..
never trusting in the right ones.
it's really getting on my fucking nerves.
Tonight was fucking lame. Why in the world you would want to try and humiliate me like that is beyond me. For the last several months, I have done nothing but defend you to people who thought you were a cowardly asshole, defend you to people who said you were a piece of shit, defend you to my friends who said you were going to hurt me. Even in my own head, I pushed out any doubts I had and I told myself all these people were wrong. The way you talk about your little girl.. how proud you are to be a father.. I knew in my heart you had to be a good person. And yet, in one evening you nonchalantly waltzed into my life and tore down every sense of being that I have worked so hard to rebuild over the last few years. I'm not sure what part of you thinks that it is ok to treat others like that. You bitch and moan about the crap that all these other people do to you and yet, now I realize it is all self inflicted. You are the master of your own drama. Drama doesnt "find" you as you told me. You create it. Obviously you thrive on it. You must still be with the mindset of the 13 yr old that thinks your life isn't cool unless you have some chaos going on. I honestly don't know how you make it day to day and stay sane. Living like that would wear me out so quickly.
It was masterful, though. I must say. The way you that you mesmerized me and pulled me in. It was like poetry in motion. The email banter, the text messages. Calling me when you were out of town. It was too easy. Almost as easy as with the young ones, right? The girls who are barely old enough to drink. The ones that hang on to every word you say because they are too naive to know better. I am such an idiot to think that you honestly wanted to be friends with me because of the right reasons. All I was to you was a fucking number, another game to play and pass time with. At least I wasn't psycho.. though now that I see your behavior, it wouldnt surprise me that most of those "psycho" girls were completely normal until you came in and fucked with their heads. Who the hell do you think you are to come into people's lives and depreciate their self respect? Why do you think it is even remotely ok to fuck with people's emotions like that?
You know, I feel for you. I really do. You are so lost with yourself that you use other people to try and define who you are. You use them to some how justify your lacking attributes. It must be scary, to have to chase after the young kids and try to maintain the fountain of youth. And it will work for a while, hell for you, I'm sure it's worked for years. But, there will come a day when the young ones become a little wiser and see what is really going on. The idolism that you have now, it won't last forever. Or, maybe you already know that and that is why you are grasping for anything you can get your hands on. You are trying to hold on to it for as long as you possibly can. But, you know.. I see it.. it's started. Your fingers, they are slipping.
That beautiful little girl of yours. She is so precious. You know that and yet as a father to such a brilliant daughter, you have learned nothing. Treating girls they way you do, you think you are getting away with it now. You are chuckling to yourself every night about your latest conquests and adventures. And, you may never see the consequences of your actions in your own life, that is true. But, there will come a day when your perfect child comes to you crying, her heart broken. You will listen to her story and your heart will sink at the all too familiar words. She will ask what she did that was so horrible that caused someone to take her emotions and stomp all over them. She will ask how a boy can tell her so many wonderful things and then be so cruel. And you will realize that you can say nothing without being hypocritical because once upon a time, you were that boy. And it will break your heart.