C_h_o_s_e_n
I stood in front of the bus actually feeling empty. Everything I was working toward, everything I wanted was gone. Anya, and any semblance of a relationship could never be gained back. And, my fight against evil kind of...stopped short. I feel so directionless and so lost. But, that's what happened when you crusade against evil. That or you die.
And now I'm hitting myself in the back of my mind because, my life is far from over. I just don't know where to go. I guess, there would be Slayers to find. I could help them with that. Or go off on my own. Do some soul searching. Or eye magick. Maybe sray close to Will. Or Buffy, or Dawn even.
I hate feeling like this! Feeling finished, feeling worthless. And now I hate myself for taking this feeling for granted. This. The exact feeling Buffy has been searching for. The feeling of accomplishment, the feeling of...satisfaction. And me, loss. Bitterness. I look at Andrew and hate him. Just for a few moments. He is why Anya isn't here. He's why my bunny girl isn't here.
I walked back onto the bus alone hoping nobody would notice. I needed to be alone. Not forever but maybe just now. As I got on I spotted Robin and passed him as he breathed. He was going to live. But he has a reason. Faith. And Buffy, she has two! Okay, one now cause Spike went Raiders of the Lost Ark. But she has Angel. And Dawn, Dawn has her life. She's no longer a key and thankfully not a Slayer. And me?
Stop it Xander. Stop comparing your life to others. You're all lucky in your own way. In your own way. But that's just it. What am I lucky for? One eye? The one who knows? Staying fray-adjacent as one would like to call it? The only time I've ever been happy, the only relationship I've ever been happy was...
Cordy. Maybe that's what I'll do. Find Cordy, profess my love to her. My pathetic love. Yeah, and cry and whimper...
My plans rock. Except not really.
And now I'm hitting myself in the back of my mind because, my life is far from over. I just don't know where to go. I guess, there would be Slayers to find. I could help them with that. Or go off on my own. Do some soul searching. Or eye magick. Maybe sray close to Will. Or Buffy, or Dawn even.
I hate feeling like this! Feeling finished, feeling worthless. And now I hate myself for taking this feeling for granted. This. The exact feeling Buffy has been searching for. The feeling of accomplishment, the feeling of...satisfaction. And me, loss. Bitterness. I look at Andrew and hate him. Just for a few moments. He is why Anya isn't here. He's why my bunny girl isn't here.
I walked back onto the bus alone hoping nobody would notice. I needed to be alone. Not forever but maybe just now. As I got on I spotted Robin and passed him as he breathed. He was going to live. But he has a reason. Faith. And Buffy, she has two! Okay, one now cause Spike went Raiders of the Lost Ark. But she has Angel. And Dawn, Dawn has her life. She's no longer a key and thankfully not a Slayer. And me?
Stop it Xander. Stop comparing your life to others. You're all lucky in your own way. In your own way. But that's just it. What am I lucky for? One eye? The one who knows? Staying fray-adjacent as one would like to call it? The only time I've ever been happy, the only relationship I've ever been happy was...
Cordy. Maybe that's what I'll do. Find Cordy, profess my love to her. My pathetic love. Yeah, and cry and whimper...
My plans rock. Except not really.