trogglehumpers

[onedreamtree]

So, it's 2:13am, and I'm awake because the nightmares are back. For two years now I've been fighting with the most insanely penetrating nightmares, that leave me in a state of complete terror, dread, with this horrible sense that I am, in a word, "fucked". They were so bad last semester that I was afraid to get in bed, afraid to turn off the light and go to sleep. I got hypnotherapy over the break, and they pretty much went away until tonight. I mean, I'm still jumpy at night, I still get a little skittish about stuff, but I was having good dreams, sleeping through the night and all, and now this. It was so bad, I had to call someone, and so I actually called Erinn, at 1:50am, crying, because I didn't know who else to call. Sadly, he was asleep, so I left a message that will likely make him very concerned, which is unfortunate. Hell, I almost called my Mom, and I'm not sure she would have liked that. I hope my typing isn't keeping my roomate up. I have a loud keyboard. Haha, I put my mother's body relaxation cd on my ipod, as well as Cindy Smith's sleep cd. They'll be tickled to hear that. Therapy, welcome to the new millenium. Gods, please don't let this start again. I can't do this anymore, I am so sick of fear. I have enough fear in my daily life, I don't need this kind of fear. Sleep is the one place we are completely vulnerable. Maybe that's why it isn't letting my feel safe. Perhaps this whole thing is some twisted way to make me realize that I am safe even when I'm vulnerable. Maybe that issue I have is so large it's showing up in my basic motor skills. Oh man, this is some fucked up shit. I wish Erinn would call me back. Not Erin Scott, but Erinn Nelson. Erin Scott's phone doesn't really work with mine, though I wouldn't mind hearing from her either. (Hint..hint...) Ack. I am not defenseless. I am safe. I am a Witch, god damnit, and we don't have to take any of this fear bullshit, psychic, psychological or otherwise, lying down. That's part of why I like the whole Witch thing, we don't have to wait for someone else to protect us or give us something, we can whomp up some good mojo of our own and fight back ourselves. Claiming power, that's what I need to do right now. So, I'm going to do this: I'm going to knit a few rows on this little pink scarf, I'm going to crawl back into bed, and I'm going to listen to my mother and Cindy Smith on a loop, until I fall into a nice, DREAMLESS sleep. Then I'll call my mom in the morning, and have a chat with her. Hell, maybe I'll even talk to Lisa. Oh Lord, I forgot to do those stream of conciousness papers. Maybe they'll help with this! Oh boy, I'm going to be doing them every night now, just on the off chance. I don't ever want to dream again. I can live without good dreams, if it means I won't have these anymore. I can settle for happy little daydreams. What was it the BFG called dreams again? Trogglehumpers were the bad ones. I've been having Trogglehumpers! Haha, that makes it somehow less upsetting, doesn't it? Name what you fear, and it's not so frightening. Good dreams were Phizzwizards. Golden phizzwizards, if they were really good. Oi vey. Golden phizzwizards, I like that. Okay, so now, I'm going to crawl back into bed with my knitting, and listen to my mother's voice until I pass out, and sleep sans trogglehumpers, even sans phizzwizards if that will keep the others at bay. Then I'll call everyone in the morning, and get this all sorted out. So, good night, wish me luck! And, fuck it, I don't care how childish and stupid and silly it sounds. Call me a baby, but oh well. That little light that Ali has for her pet fish, Yorba? Bitch is stayin' on for the evening.
Good night and good luck
-Glenna