the jester
ariel called this morning to tell me that one of my old friends killed herself two nights ago. it's odd, i've never been speechless in my life, and all i could do was sit there. i can't decide whether i want to distract myself with stupid shit or just curl up in a ball and cry. when ariel called, she very quietly told me i should sit down. i always used to think that that was just some cheap shit corny phrase that people say, but it's not. if i'd been standing my legs would have buckled. i still can't always tell what my body is doing. fuck. i wasn't even very close to her. we'd been friends, but not super close ones. she was always the jester at madrigal dinner. funniest damn person i've ever met, so alive. so alive, what a fucking sentance now. i don't know how to feel, because i don't know how upset i have a right to be. i mean, she wasn't that close, but still. this was her senior year in high school. jesus christ. i never missed her until now, itsn't that fucking ironic? i feel guilty for that, though i know there's no reason for guilt, that i didn't really ever miss her until this. i went to sabina's room, she and abby and christy were there. asked someone to give me a hug, then blurted it out into sabina's shoulder, and they all just enveloped me. love them. now, all i want to do is find some way to ease someones hurt,find the people she was closer to, tell them something, that i'm sorry, that i can't possibly be sorrier, to feel that i'm doing something to...something, anything. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. had to smoke a cigerette after talking to ariel, and my hands were shaking. why did this happen? i can't wrap my mind around it. i can't do anything. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. it comes and goes in spurts, and whenever i start hurting again, i feel guilty because other people have so much more of a right to be in pain, and i should be helping them. but i can't help anyone, because the only thing that will make all of our pain stop is impossible to do.