(no subject)
So, I've been thinking lately a lot about the whole evolution of friendships.
I'm really happy with the people I have in my life right now; they're good for me, I'm good for them. No one is constantly giving the other their all and getting bupkis in return. But this also makes me ponder upon the whole schtick I usually have had of trying to please everyone so much, making everyone so gorram happy that I ignore myself, let them step all over me, making excuses for them each step of the way, and it ends up frustrating and hurting me. There's been a few humdingers of friendships there ... oy. And what's great is that I've moved past this in the past year or so; and this feels good. I don't try to extreme-people-please, I don't throw myself in front of the same buses, and I speak up when necessarily instead of letting people stomp stomp stomp.
Funny though, that even though there's a lot of good work that has been done, it still feels bad that some of these friendships weren't worth it to heal to the other person (there's a glaring exception of one that I wouldn't care if everyone else in the world told me it was good to go). Because that was one of the things I learned was that it did take saying "Here's my problem, here's what I can do, here's what you can do, and if both don't get done ... adios." And well .. adios it was. That's a hard feeling, the whole "Oh shit, you wanted me to put energy and responsibility and step out of my bubble? Because you do care? Well nuts to you," aspect of trying to hold people to a standard of friendship and realizing ... they want all the fun and none of the real stuff. But that's life. It just hurts when you were willing to put extra energy in - I mean, hell, some of my best friendships today have weathered real storms because we both were willing to put energy into it, own up to mistakes and work on ourselves. And that it wasn't worth it when I've learned to be more of an adult, that people still pull the "screw that, why would I try?" Well, that does hurt. I know that everyone doesn't grow in the same ways, but it hurts nonetheless.
The other funny thing? Most of the friendships I have now that mean the world to me are older ones (save for a good few, but still, we're talking the bulk), people I've had in my life for longer periods of time, who I remember first meeting at the very least 7 years ago. I mean, honestly, there's some people who are pushing it into nearly 15 years of friendship, a few stragglers I've known nearly my whole life. That's just grand, really, that feeling of someone who actually KNOWS me and knows the past and the best part is I know theirs too - its not a one way street. That whole shared history. And while most of them don't live close, I love actually talking on the phone to them, or emailing back and forth, and I love when I get the visits, because it just is ... so easy. And I don't feel bad, I don't feel like I have to be perfect.
That's a big problem lately, the feeling of needing to be perfect. I've always done it, but it seems to have gotten worse in some ways in past years, and it is nice that there's one thing where I'm not pushing myself to be so perfect it hurts.
Just some things I have been pondering recently.
I'm really happy with the people I have in my life right now; they're good for me, I'm good for them. No one is constantly giving the other their all and getting bupkis in return. But this also makes me ponder upon the whole schtick I usually have had of trying to please everyone so much, making everyone so gorram happy that I ignore myself, let them step all over me, making excuses for them each step of the way, and it ends up frustrating and hurting me. There's been a few humdingers of friendships there ... oy. And what's great is that I've moved past this in the past year or so; and this feels good. I don't try to extreme-people-please, I don't throw myself in front of the same buses, and I speak up when necessarily instead of letting people stomp stomp stomp.
Funny though, that even though there's a lot of good work that has been done, it still feels bad that some of these friendships weren't worth it to heal to the other person (there's a glaring exception of one that I wouldn't care if everyone else in the world told me it was good to go). Because that was one of the things I learned was that it did take saying "Here's my problem, here's what I can do, here's what you can do, and if both don't get done ... adios." And well .. adios it was. That's a hard feeling, the whole "Oh shit, you wanted me to put energy and responsibility and step out of my bubble? Because you do care? Well nuts to you," aspect of trying to hold people to a standard of friendship and realizing ... they want all the fun and none of the real stuff. But that's life. It just hurts when you were willing to put extra energy in - I mean, hell, some of my best friendships today have weathered real storms because we both were willing to put energy into it, own up to mistakes and work on ourselves. And that it wasn't worth it when I've learned to be more of an adult, that people still pull the "screw that, why would I try?" Well, that does hurt. I know that everyone doesn't grow in the same ways, but it hurts nonetheless.
The other funny thing? Most of the friendships I have now that mean the world to me are older ones (save for a good few, but still, we're talking the bulk), people I've had in my life for longer periods of time, who I remember first meeting at the very least 7 years ago. I mean, honestly, there's some people who are pushing it into nearly 15 years of friendship, a few stragglers I've known nearly my whole life. That's just grand, really, that feeling of someone who actually KNOWS me and knows the past and the best part is I know theirs too - its not a one way street. That whole shared history. And while most of them don't live close, I love actually talking on the phone to them, or emailing back and forth, and I love when I get the visits, because it just is ... so easy. And I don't feel bad, I don't feel like I have to be perfect.
That's a big problem lately, the feeling of needing to be perfect. I've always done it, but it seems to have gotten worse in some ways in past years, and it is nice that there's one thing where I'm not pushing myself to be so perfect it hurts.
Just some things I have been pondering recently.