Some More
I guess I should also say that every day I feel like I'm about to fall apart. But I hide it, because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I think I'm acting happier than I usually do, just so nobody can ask me anything. Saturday was the first day that I actually grieved "for my loss". It scared me. I didn't think it would take that long for everything to sink in. I feel like I should be sadder about everything. But I don't have the ability. It's only when I'm alone that I'm truly sad. I push all my feelings deep inside of me. What the fuck is wrong with me that I even pushed my feelings for the death of my mother into the barrels of my "feeling pit". That isn't normal.
I found my mother's journal that my sister gave to her about 2 days after she died. I hid it in my sock drawer, and for the next 2 weeks my dad and sister tore the house apart looking for it. I didn't tell them that I had it because in it my mother wrote in one of her entries about her kids. She had written that Cassie was taking such good care of her, and that she's so proud of her and all that. Then she got to me, and said that she was kinda sad because I wasn't asking her questions about her cancer. "I wish he'd ask me something. Anything. I guess it's because he's a senior. Too selfish to care about anything outside his own world."
I didn't want my dad and sister to see that.
But the thing is...I couldn't ask her anything because it hurt me too much to know. Ever since I read that I've had this idea in my head that my mother loved me a lot...but she didn't think I loved her as much.
Okay. I'm done.
I found my mother's journal that my sister gave to her about 2 days after she died. I hid it in my sock drawer, and for the next 2 weeks my dad and sister tore the house apart looking for it. I didn't tell them that I had it because in it my mother wrote in one of her entries about her kids. She had written that Cassie was taking such good care of her, and that she's so proud of her and all that. Then she got to me, and said that she was kinda sad because I wasn't asking her questions about her cancer. "I wish he'd ask me something. Anything. I guess it's because he's a senior. Too selfish to care about anything outside his own world."
I didn't want my dad and sister to see that.
But the thing is...I couldn't ask her anything because it hurt me too much to know. Ever since I read that I've had this idea in my head that my mother loved me a lot...but she didn't think I loved her as much.
Okay. I'm done.