i really loved breaking your heart

[mirac0li]

WHO: Gamzee Makara & Karkat Vantas
WHERE: Their shitty one bedroom apartment. 
WHAT: motherfucking SOBRIETY.

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[mirac0li]

[Motherfucking knew it.

He shrugs, rather lazily and very much like he isn't itching to punch Karkat in the face. He keeps himself steady and in control and then walks to him; kicks a packet of chips out of the way, a bottle of whatever too and then when he's close enough, he leans in. Places an arm above Karkat's head and hovers over him.

He can run, of course, if he wants. Gamzee never traps him because there's just no motherfucking fun in that. He leans down, and he keeps grinning all friendly like, and it feels like it's going to split his face in two.]

You sound so motherfucking disappointed, motherfucker.

[And he leans in further- and this is where the grin changes. Where it becomes nasty and malicious and his eyes narrow, and he bears his teeth. His hand dips down low enough that his fingers can toy with Karkat's hair and Gamzee laughs low in his throat.

Terezi called him a monster once; a predator, and Gamzee doesn't think she was really wrong.]

Don't you motherfucking like me best friend? When I'm off all that toxic shit and acting like my fine, motherfucking self?

[excoriating]

[ There's a fucking flinch when Gamzee actually reaches towards him, because he's just so fucking unpredictable like this. So when the touch isn't anything but soft, it throws him just a bit, makes him a little more unsure. His fingers itch to reach out towards him and pull him closer, but he holds himself back from acting on the impulse, even though it's so fucking difficult.

Karkat wants to shove him off, push him away and walk the fuck out. Wants to more than anything. Just crash out on Terezi's couch for a while or Vriska's. Wait until Gamzee straightens his shit out. But he doesn't -- no. Of course he doesn't. Instead he just stares back at him as fucking defiantly as he can. ]

I like you when you're being your fucking self. Not this fucked up asshole who thinks it's all fucking hilarious to fuck with people like a total asshole. You're not some shitstain on the earth so I don't get why you fucking act like you are.

[ As soon as he says it, he knows that he's going to see that anger in Gamzee's eyes. He knows it and waits and fucking expects it. And Karkat knows that he should leave now. Should duck out from between him and the wall and just leave instead of staying. But he doesn't. He doesn't go, doesn't even try to move, because he fucking missed him, missed the Gamzee that he actually knows, and even though it looks like he's home, Karkat's still waiting. ]

[mirac0li]

[Gamzee's furious. It's a bizarre thing, really - Gamzee knows he loves Karkat, even when he's sober. He can feel affection because Karkat's been through a lot of shit with him and Gamzee knows inside that he loves him as his best friend and whatever else he is. But then, Gamzee also thinks he's better than him. Because Gamzee's the one from the well off background, with the dad with all the fucking money and not enough fucking time. Gamzee's the one with all the fucking class, even if he leaves it behind and pushes it out of sight.

And what the fuck is Karkat? Gamzee's blood boils and he's furious because who the fuck does Karkat think he is to lecture him?

If Gamzee wants to fuck with people; if he wants to mess the around and manipulate them and tear them apart, then he fucking can. He remembers Vriska calling him a self-entitled asshole once, and in turn him calling her a hypocritical bitch.

He's furious, but he cracks up laughing.]

The only motherfucking shitstain here is you, motherfucker.

[He's so angry, and really, deep down it's not because Karkat is talking back.

It's because: why can't you motherfucking like every part of me, even the asshole?

His fist clenches, knuckles brushing against Karkat's hair and Gamzee leans and presses their heads together. He lifts his other hand and grips Karkat's shirt with it and Karkat had his chance to leave.

Gamzee wets his lips, and he's honestly not sure what he wants to do right now. Fight Karkat until they're both spitting blood and Karkat kicks him out, or-]

It really hurts my motherfucking feelings, best friend, when you say shitty things like that. But you know, I'm just such a nice motherfucker, and I can forgive you for being such a shitty best friend.

[Gamzee isn't sure whether he wants to fight him or just kiss him or maybe call Vriska instead.]

[excoriating]

[ Karkat's not entirely sure what he should be doing right in that moment. If he should be pushing Gamzee off or maybe just waiting to see what happens. He's expecting the fight, waiting for it, skin itching at the anticipation. He fucking hates getting physical with Gamzee because he has such a huge advantage over Karkat, so in the very few instances that punches have been thrown, it's never really ended well for him.

Gamzee's words dig in against him. Even if he might think them about himself, it's always harder hearing it from the one person he used to think would never say it. So when they come, it's fucking difficult to not punch Gamzee right in the face for it.

Because yeah, maybe he does love him in a million different fucking ways for all the bad and the good shit that he might be. But there are parts of him that Karkat can't stand and would rather be without.

Karkat shrinks away from him, finally, just fucking stops trying. He knows it ends badly when they fight, when it gets really violent. And he isn't sure if he can deal with that much bullshit right now. ]

Yeah, the shittiest best friend.

[ He stares up at him, looks him right in the eye and never once glances away. His tone is so fucking cold and disconnected and it doesn't even hold that normal bite of anger that Karkat seems to always hold in his voice. ]

Don't really know how you fucking stand it. Dealing with someone who makes sure you're alive when you fuck off on tours and keeps you fucking stable when you think that sobriety is the cool fucking thing for you to fucking do. Yeah, so fucking sorry for giving a shit about you. I'll stop doing that in the fucking future so you don't have to deal with how shitty that must be.

[ And that's when he reaches up and forces Gamzee's hand away from him and shoves him off enough so Karkat can walk away. Just enough so he can grab his phone and text Vriska, that's all he really needs. ]

[mirac0li]

[There's a memory that surfaces as Karkat pushes him away; it's one that doesn't surface often, because in the context of things, it's fairly mundane. It goes like this: Gamzee has a therapist who calls himself Dr. Egbert. Gamzee likes him high and sober, because he's chill and doesn't talk back, even if Gamzee thinks he's fairly condescending. The first time Gamzee went cold turkey after meeting Karkat, he panicked because one moment he wanted to kill Karkat and the next he wanted to hold him and never let go.

Gamzee remembers that feeling of terror; of not having control over his emotions, and from then on it's been anger he forces out, because he hates feeling miserable. He remembers Dr. Egbert saying, 'son - the mood swings are going to happen whether you want them to or not,' and 'son, this isn't the best way to do this.'

He hadn't listened then, and now-

Now the fury sort of twists and warps in his veins and skews itself around and Gamzee panics again because yes, he has a fucking ego, but he needs Karkat even if he hates admitting it.

He wants to scream, don't you motherfucking say that to me you motherfucking asshole. He wants to scream so much because that tone is ice cold and Gamzee isn't used to that. He isn't used to this; to Karkat giving up on him and it fucking hurts. Like a knife in the heart and Gamzee reaches out in blind panic and grabs the back of Karkat's shirt and pulls him back.

Doesn't give a fuck if he stumbles because Gamzee doesn't want him to go.]

Fuck, [he hisses. He's so angry and irritable, but his eyes sting and he feels like a fucking wreck.] Don't you dare motherfucking leave me.

[excoriating]

[ At first, Karkat mostly just goes slack in his arms, doesn't move. He doesn't force himself away, doesn't push Gamzee off, but he doesn't really react, either. He doesn't return the hold, doesn't say a fucking word. He just stands there and listens to him until he stops speaking and then listens to him breathe. Mostly just giving him a minute to chill the fuck out, maybe calm down a little.

He waits until his breathing steadies out before he moves, and finally turns around in his arms. It takes him a minute to fully react, but when he does, he wraps his arms around Gamzee's neck and pulls him down against him, holding on so fucking tight that his arms ache a bit. Karkat buries his face between his arm and Gamzee's neck and just fucking stays there, doesn't say anything at first.

Because like he'd ever fucking go. Like he'd ever give up. If there's one thing in his life that Karkat's going to hold onto with the force of everything he has, it's Gamzee.

He lifts one of his hands, tangles his fingers in Gamzee's hair and just fucking clings to him, because this shit sucks so fucking bad, and he missed him so much. It's just such a shitty situation. ]

Fuck. Never.

[mirac0li]

[Gamzee clings to him. He wraps his arms around Karkat's waist and then up his back and he clings so fucking hard. He suddenly feels so weak and powerless, and of course Karkat wouldn't leave him, because Karkat is his best friend and he's being such a fucking idiot, isn't he? He's being such a tool.

And yet; his hands twist in the fabric of Karkat's shirt and buries his face into his hair. He feels miserable and guilty.

And yet-

And yet; why the fuck does Karkat make him feel so weak? The rage doesn't really leave him, but Gamzee feels it boiling to the surface again but he pushes it down. Dips his head down to burrow into Karkat's shoulder and sighs.]

I motherfucking missed you, [he murmurs quietly, tilting his head and placing pressing a chaste kiss against Karkat's neck.] Shit's just been so motherfucking balls, you know?

[excoriating]

[ He just leans into him, curls his fingers against Gamzee's jacket and into his hair and holds onto him. Shit fucking sucks. As much as he knows this is a really crappy situation, that maybe he should have stopped trying a long time ago, but there's just something about Gamzee, sober or not, that pulls at parts of him that no one else does.

Karkat sighs, rests his head against Gamzee's shoulder and just stops moving. It's tiring for both of them, and he knows it. That it's fucking exhausting, wears them both down to nothing. But there isn't any other way to be, right? So it's just this circle fuck that they make of Gamzee being drugged up or sober and alternating in anger and hate and resentment into being friends and Gamzee making him not so uptight and just chilling the fuck out together.

And fuck, he missed him. ]

I know. [ Another sigh, a slow exhale. He'd heard about all the bullshit already. ] Missed you, too. [ Not something he wants to admit, but- Whatever, man. ]

[mirac0li]

[He buries his face more and kisses Karkat's neck again. He feels a little calmer when he just breathes Karkat in; feels his agitations calm somewhat. He doesn't feel better though. He doesn't even feel anything close to better and he doesn't think he will, not for a while.

But he's been waiting to hear Karkat say that and now that he has, the tension in his shoulders unwinds and he sort of flops against him.

Truthfully, Gamzee doesn't know what he fuck he's feeling right now. He's desperate for a cigarette or a joint, but he doesn't want to give in because he's so tired of feeling like this. The truth is; Gamzee is really kind of an asshole, and the drugs make him a better person. Sometimes, he thinks he wants Gamzee to do the same thing so he can give it all up for good.

But he knows that's not fair. Knows he should be making the effort himself, because he fucking cares about Karkat, even when he is an asshole and tearing him down piece by piece. Sometimes he just wants Karkat to need him as much as Gamzee needs Karkat.]

Can we motherfucking lay down? Head's all in a motherfucking mess.

[excoriating]

[ It's easier now, to just stay against him and now have to spend his time wondering what the fuck is going to happen next. Because Gamzee's finally a little calmer, not quite so loud and crazy, and it's just a little more fucking simple like this. He doesn't hate Gamzee when he's sober, but he beyond difficult to deal with. Karkat's pretty sure he hates himself enough not to have Gamzee getting on board that boat as well.

But-

Better to not think of that right now, right?

So instead he tightens his arms a bit, breathes out slow. He needs to text Vriska and tell her to get in touch with that guy Gamzee talks to when he starts sobering up. Maybe he'll make a house call or something. Karkat mostly just wants to make sure he stays as sane as he can, until someone can help him out a bit. ]

Yeah.

[ It's a simple agreement and it doesn't take long for Karkat to unwind his arms from him, pulling back so he can head for the bedroom. ]

[mirac0li]

[Likewise, Gamzee lets go of Karkat's shirt. Let's him pull back- and then reaches for his hand instead. Grips it tight; maybe too tight, but he doesn't care. All he cares about is Karkat taking into their bedroom, laying down beside him and closing his eyes until his head stops pounding and his fucking emotions calm the fuck down.

He still wants to smash Karkat's face into the nearest wall as much as he wants to pull him close and hug him again.]

Thanks, motherfucker.

[And Gamzee lets him take the lead. His head is pounding, but he doesn't feel tired. His adrenaline is pumping with the effort to keep himself in check, but he's hoping it'll all crash soon so he can sleep this bullshit mood off.]

[excoriating]

[ Once they're actually in bed, Karkat pulls the blankets up over Gamzee, untangles their hands long enough for him to turn the lights out and open the window to let in some cool air. Returning to the bed, he doesn't get under the blankets at first and just opts to align his body with Gamzee's and curl up as close as he can.

For now, he reaches up, smooths Gamzee's hair out, curls up as close as he can to him. Karkat should have dragged him to the bathroom first and shoved him in the shower to wash off the grime of the road and the facepaint and maybe let the hot water relax him, but- He doesn't feel like fighting him just to get him in there.

So he says nothing, moves his hand down to rub at the back of Gamzee's neck, up to his temples. He's memorized every point of Gamzee's sobriety, so it's mostly just second nature at this point. ]

[mirac0li]

[He curls closer to Karkat that he ever has. Close enough that he's very much just wrapped around him and it's comfortable and warm and when Gamzee closes his eyes, he droops his head rest ontop Karkat's. It feels calm, suddenly. Gamzee is never one for silence, but right now he's just so very alright with just the sound of their breathing, and the sound of his own heartbeat in his ears.

It's an out time, erratic sound that Gamzee knows will settle down if he manages to relax more than he is now. He sighs, wraps his arms around Karkat tightly and murmurs nonsense into his hair.

He evens out his breathing and his mind refuses to shut down, but it's fine. He can pretend everything is fine for five minutes, by just having Karkat here and-

And he fucking hates that he has to rely on Karkat, who isn't worth-

And fuck, he thinks. He can never quite tell if that's the withdrawal talking or if that is just genuinely what he thinks. And it's sad, it's so fucking sad because Karkat might be lower than dirt on the social ladder, but Gamzee adores him.

And that probably answers his own question.]

[excoriating]

[ There's a quiet sigh and Karkat squirms a little in his grip, reaches over behind them to the table beside the bed and flicks his music player on. It's some soft bullshit music, playlist that he keeps to try and stop the insanity when Gamzee goes sober. Shit that's easy to recognize so Gamzee can focus on it instead of whatever is going on in his head.

And through it all, Karkat just curls against him, runs his fingers along his arm and chest, and mostly just tries to keep it together. It's fucking worrying and terrifying, because he realizes at any moment Gamzee could go off the deep end and melt down. That his anger could flare to life.

But whatever, right. He can stay there; doesn't he always? But sometimes he worries, you know. Worries that it'll be Gamzee who doesn't come back. For whatever reason.

Because as much as Gamzee is a dick when he's sober, Karkat knows that he's an asshole all the time, and how easy is that to live with? So he curls closer, mumbles against Gamzee's chest, so fucking quiet. ]

You-

[ He pauses, because it's all fucking sentimental, but whatever. ]

You won't fuck off on me, right?

[ His voice becomes even quieter. ]

I wouldn't know what the fuck do to without you.

[mirac0li]

[A sudden wave of misery seeps into Gamzee's blood and reverse it back to his brain and it feels like he's drowning with an anvil on his chest. Rage becomes panic and Gamzee doesn't dwell on leaving, but he dwells on life without Karkat. He thinks about sleeping alone and waking up early to an empty place beside him. He thinks about being alone at nights; coming from shows to silence. He thinks about feeling like this and not having Karkat there to soothe him down or rip a new one. He honest to god thinks he's having a panic attack and curls around Karkat more and squeezes him tight.

He feels like his chest his too tight; his skin is suddenly crawling and itching and it's fucking awful.

He realises with a melancholy thought, he could never leave Karkat without Karkat throwing the towel in first. Even when he's all high and mighty about how he's better than-

He's never been so much better than that he's left.]

Fuck, [he says quietly.] I'd never motherfucking leave you.

[And he means it and that makes him angry, and suddenly he wants a hit so bad. He thinks fuck sobriety, fuck everything - and then the craving doesn't pass, but feeling Karkat beside him is enough for now. ]

[excoriating]

[ But Gamzee won't really have a chance for that break in sobriety, because rather suddenly, Karkat is up on him, leaning in and kissing him a little too hard, a little too desperate. But he's aching and needy and he fucking hates how weak and dependent he feels on him.

But-

But it's okay, right? Because it's Gamzee and not some random fuckface that he knows. It's his best friend, for better or worse. Except that maybe that's what makes it so fucking hard. That if Gamzee bails, if he loses him, then who the fuck else would he have left? It's even harder, when Gamzee's sober, to believe that he'd stick around. He knows what Gamzee thinks, knows how important social classes can be to him.

Except that right now it's kind of irrelevant because it's all about how Karkat's pressed against him, kissing him as hard as he can, gripping at his shirt and making a really fucking pathetic noise against his mouth. ]