...You know, it's odd, but sometimes I just wish I'd never met myself...

[onechewyco0kie]

There is nothing I can do to make anyone happy and nothing I can ever do to make myself happy. Life gets in my way, blocks me from experiencing the things I wish I could experience. It keeps me from the things I want so badly to just be able to call mine, which leads me to believe that maybe life just isn't for me, so why should I continue to pretend that I am fine, that I will be okay, that all of this is just my journey to something amazing; I've lost faith. I've lost control. I've lost my self-esteem. I've lost the shine in my eyes. I've lost my appetite. I've lost sleep. I've lost dreams. I've lost so many things including myself - I lost myself. Bad news is no longer bad news. To me, it's the overplayed track on the radio that you just wish would die out because you're sick of knowing every lyric even though you've never really listened to the song on your own time. I try so hard to be optimistic, to be admired, to be content with everything and everyone, to be hopeful, to be cared for, to be missed, to be loved, to be held, to be kissed, to be confident, to be healthy, to be me... but nothing seems to work or bring any kind of gratitude to the table reserved for one. Why I am posting this for a thousand random people to read? I don't know. Why am I sitting here thinking and listening to all of all the things that I know makes my mascara run? I don't know. Why am I finally being honest with myself and just wanting to say all the things I was never able to say? I don't know. All I know is that I don't want anything anymore, because what's the point in trying so hard and wasting so much energy in something that will only bring you to your knees and then to your early grave. To me nothing is worth all the shit people put me through, all the heartache people cause because they are too fucking pussy to commit to anything that may fulfill their life even if for a single day, a single hour, a single minute, a single second - at least in that moment, we'd both look back and wish it could be relived as it would be remembered as entirely heavenly and heart warming. Nothing is worth all of the sketches, journals and pen ink I waste because nobody understands, nobody listens, nobody cares and nobody really notices. I am tired of hearing people say that they've been through this before and that things get better because it did for them. I don't want to hear people tell me that I will be happy, but I just have to wait because I find it difficult to believe someone who says that about what I can experience in my lifetime when looking back on my 18 years of life, I can remember more tears than I remember smiles, more heart break than I do love, more hated people than I do heroes, more blood than I do hugs. I have finally reached my boiling point, and I don't know how to handle it. I wish I knew how I could fix everything with just the use of words but that one person I want to hear them is too fucking close minded to put thought into what I have to say and act on that. The one person I want to hear how fucking amazing I think he is, how the smiles he brings to my face hurt my jawbone, how the sparkle in my eye shines brighter than any fucking star in this night sky when he's around, how his voice makes me wait for that hand to reach in my chest and grab the one thing that he keeps beating. I want him to believe that he's got something good standing right at his feet. I want him to hear and know that I think he is fucking beautiful, fucking astounding, a fucking mess that makes me fall to my knees because of the pain he brings to my stomach that really isn't a pain at all. But it's too late. He's gone. He's quit me. He's shrugged me off my shoulders in hopes of making something better, but what can possibly make things better other than having me kiss him harder than a head on collision? Simply because he knows that head on collisions cause paralysis, but to me, paralysis is better than pain and being in coma is better than being conscious, so what is there to lose? Instead, I sit here wishing and hoping that I will drown in my own tears because I feel the pain of 18 years breaking the sutures of my heart as I type this shitty mess of thoughts, this scream for attention...because all I want is his attention. Never in my life have I found someone so mysterious, where I spend my days wondering about him and what he's doing, where I wake up each day excited to learn just one new thing about anything, whether it be something I notice about the way he walks, talks or swings his arms or maybe the way his smile makes his face glow with a radiance brighter than the sun on a hot summer day, or maybe the way he tenses up when he doesn't know what to say or how to say it or how he gets quiet and closes his eyes to open them to just a squint when he is thinking about something so hard... I wish I was a simple hearted person who can get up and go home and live each day without remembering yesterday or thinking about tomorrow, but that's not me. To me, my past defines my future. My experiences define my phobias and my adorations. My sights define my vision just as my hearing defines sounds just as my heart defines a muscle pumping pain throughout and within my veins - a muscle pumping painful memories throughout my body to my brain reminding me of all the things I regret, things I would change, things I want and know I can't have, etc. And I don't think that I know what it is like to live a day without worries or lack passion for something and/or anything. And I don't think that I have felt anything from anyone other than being shrugged off like an annoying pest buzzing in your ear. I just don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to look at my feet when I walk and wish I was looking at the sky that I was forced to think as blue. I don't want to feel that stinging sensation before salt water flows out of my eye ducts only to drop down my cheeks to the ground where they just get stomped on, much like my heart. I want to stop this hurt, but I don't know how... I just don't know how and it's too late for me to be taught.


Just think of this and me as just a few of the many things to lie around, to clutter up your shelves. And I wish you weren't worth the wait 'cause there's somethings I'd like to say to you. And I don't think that you know what you've been missing. And I don't think that you know what you've been missing...And I dare you to forget the marks you left across my neck from those nights when we were both found at our best. You said I could make this obvious and you, you could deny it all in one breath. Well, Come and shrug me off your shoulders. And I don't think that you know what you've been missing. Then I don't think that you know what you've been missing. Well then I don't that you know, is that I don't think that you know, is that I don't think that you know what you've been missing. Well, hey lush have fun it's the weekend. Well, hey lush, have fun.(Well haven't you had enough?)It's all I know, you're all I know...Just forget me, it's that simple.

Well haven't you had enough!?