You’re all kinds of beautiful as you end my day and you sweetly retire as the stars chase you away..
Fuck!
Why can't I stop thinking, dreaming, hoping, and wishing? Why can't I just step up to the plate and try to hit one out of the park? I am definitely a failure. I live each day only to prove that solid fact. I mean, what am I good at? What do people value about me? When do I ever get the things I set myself on doing? When do I successfully accomplish something I can actually be proud of? Yep. Never. My heart screams for attention, so my mind conjures up so many ways of saying what I want and saying what I feel, yet my tongue says "No" and won't let me speak. My hands say "No" and won't let me touch. My eyes say "Yes", but he can't see through them into the depths of my truth. Or can he? I wish I knew. I just wish I didn't have these stupid walls built that surround my entire being and will not allow anyone through, nor allow me to come out. I just wish I had the courage, the confidence, and the strength to overcome whatever retaliation I would receive from verbalizing honesty instead of fearing that I will drown in my own blood. But I am weak. I am apprehensive. I am introverted. So many times I have been knocked down into the dirt after speaking up as soon as I thought I realized I wasn't the only one feeling the way I was feeling about certain cirumstances; I am always wrong. I don't want to be cast-off. I don't want to feel stupid. And I definitely do not want to be alone - even though I feel as if I am destined to that curse considering the fact that I am the type of person who never gets what she wants. I always have to settle for what has been brought to me. I am always chosen, never the one choosing. I always get second best, probably because I am always ranked second best. JUST ONCE! I want to be in charge of things. JUST ONCE! I want to be able to choose and get what I want. I don't mean that in a selfish way even though I know that's how it sounds. I just believe that from me being able to finally successfully choose what I want will mean that I will finally find the happiness I have always been wanting and searching for. As stupid as that sounds, it's the fucking truth and maybe that is why things are always so difficult. Maybe that is why obstacles are consistently thrown in my way and most of the time stop me from attaining what I genuinely crave, what I genuinely need. I spend each and every day wondering when I will be happy, why I will be happy, who I will be happy with and how or at what point in time I will actually reach that happiness - or if I ever will. Each night I dream about being happy only to realize that the emotion doesn't exist in my reality as soon as my eyes open to reveal what it is that is really in front of me. That being nothing. So, I evidently spend countless hours (and even wasted days) sleeping and living in that subconcious reality where everything is comfortable and precise. I wish I could unblur the faces, live with the smiles, be held in the rapture I have always longed for day in and day out. But in my life, things are never easy. I hate how it seems as though the undeserving have things so easy. And because of this, I wish I was able to be what I like to call a "shitty girl", but it is just not me nor will it ever. I feel like all the nights I spend filled with excitement, having fun, occassionally flirting, smiling, and being content are a complete waste. When I have experienced such emotion in the past (but not to this extent), it evidently was a waste as it totally bit me in the ass at the end of the day. For fuck sakes. Why must things be complicated for me? All I want is to be happy. Why does it have to be so much to ask for?
Why can't I stop thinking, dreaming, hoping, and wishing? Why can't I just step up to the plate and try to hit one out of the park? I am definitely a failure. I live each day only to prove that solid fact. I mean, what am I good at? What do people value about me? When do I ever get the things I set myself on doing? When do I successfully accomplish something I can actually be proud of? Yep. Never. My heart screams for attention, so my mind conjures up so many ways of saying what I want and saying what I feel, yet my tongue says "No" and won't let me speak. My hands say "No" and won't let me touch. My eyes say "Yes", but he can't see through them into the depths of my truth. Or can he? I wish I knew. I just wish I didn't have these stupid walls built that surround my entire being and will not allow anyone through, nor allow me to come out. I just wish I had the courage, the confidence, and the strength to overcome whatever retaliation I would receive from verbalizing honesty instead of fearing that I will drown in my own blood. But I am weak. I am apprehensive. I am introverted. So many times I have been knocked down into the dirt after speaking up as soon as I thought I realized I wasn't the only one feeling the way I was feeling about certain cirumstances; I am always wrong. I don't want to be cast-off. I don't want to feel stupid. And I definitely do not want to be alone - even though I feel as if I am destined to that curse considering the fact that I am the type of person who never gets what she wants. I always have to settle for what has been brought to me. I am always chosen, never the one choosing. I always get second best, probably because I am always ranked second best. JUST ONCE! I want to be in charge of things. JUST ONCE! I want to be able to choose and get what I want. I don't mean that in a selfish way even though I know that's how it sounds. I just believe that from me being able to finally successfully choose what I want will mean that I will finally find the happiness I have always been wanting and searching for. As stupid as that sounds, it's the fucking truth and maybe that is why things are always so difficult. Maybe that is why obstacles are consistently thrown in my way and most of the time stop me from attaining what I genuinely crave, what I genuinely need. I spend each and every day wondering when I will be happy, why I will be happy, who I will be happy with and how or at what point in time I will actually reach that happiness - or if I ever will. Each night I dream about being happy only to realize that the emotion doesn't exist in my reality as soon as my eyes open to reveal what it is that is really in front of me. That being nothing. So, I evidently spend countless hours (and even wasted days) sleeping and living in that subconcious reality where everything is comfortable and precise. I wish I could unblur the faces, live with the smiles, be held in the rapture I have always longed for day in and day out. But in my life, things are never easy. I hate how it seems as though the undeserving have things so easy. And because of this, I wish I was able to be what I like to call a "shitty girl", but it is just not me nor will it ever. I feel like all the nights I spend filled with excitement, having fun, occassionally flirting, smiling, and being content are a complete waste. When I have experienced such emotion in the past (but not to this extent), it evidently was a waste as it totally bit me in the ass at the end of the day. For fuck sakes. Why must things be complicated for me? All I want is to be happy. Why does it have to be so much to ask for?