(no subject)
Title: AU. Behind Closed Doors (3/?)
Pairing: Daniel Agger / Steve Finnan
Author: onecasillas
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 2,536
Disclaimer: Not true, never happened.
A/N: Sorry it's been so long! Hope someone still remembers this story :) And this part is kind of blegh, but I don't know. At least it's something.
One | Two
"I haven't talked to John for a week now," he revealed to me that Thursday, when we were already reaching the end of what had been a surprisingly emotionless and almost empty session, during which Daniel had been mostly quiet in response to my questions.
"Is he not working with you anymore?"
"He is," he answered. "I just… I've taken some distance from him."
"And why is that?"
He looked at me with sad eyes. "Can I be honest with you?"
"Always."
With a small sigh, he looked down again. "I didn't like what you told me the other day. It made me feel unsure again, made me doubt many things, and I didn't like it."
"It made you feel uneasy because it wasn't what you were expecting to hear."
"I know." He replied, and only then did I notice his voice had moved towards a slightly reproachful tone. "But I know the way things are now. I know I'm not gay. I've never been attracted to a man in my life, and I never will be. I'm not gay."
Contrasting with the apparent confidence he'd shown with his words, he looked at me in search of reassurance, wanting me to tell him that he was right, that he wasn't gay, that whatever doubt he might've had had no reason to be at all. But I wasn't there to tell him what he wanted to hear.
"If that's the way you really feel, then I'm glad you reached that conclusion."
"Of course it's the way I really feel. I'm not gay."
"You've said that already," I told him calmly, "three times, actually. Is it me you're trying to convince, or is it yourself?"
"I don't have to convince myself about anything. I know I'm not gay."
"And yet you've had your doubts."
His eyes narrowed. "And who says that?"
"You did. You told me just now, a few minutes ago."
Daniel buried his face in his hands and let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing roughly at his eyes as to erase the thoughts off his mind. He took a couple of deep, shivery breaths, and by the time he looked up again, his eyes had watered just barely and his shoulders had started shaking.
"I fucked up," he stated, taking me completely off guard.
"I'm sorry?"
"Last night, I… I made something really stupid. And I hate myself for it, but in that moment it seemed, no, it felt like the right thing to do." I leant forwards in my chair to understand his mumblings better, but he stayed silent after that.
"Why don't you tell me what happened?"
"I'm ashamed of what I did," he whispered, and as if to confirm it, his entire face turned red.
"Daniel, you know you can trust me," I told him, trying to give him back that confidence that he'd once seemed so full of. "I'm not here to judge you, or to laugh at you, I'm here to listen to you, and to try to help you find an explanation to everything that's going through your mind right now."
I knew he'd heard me, even if he gave no signs of it, but he remained silent for a few minutes, just thinking. And I gave him all the time he wanted, not really caring about the fact that our hour and a half was over already, and that it was time for me to go home. But unlike other times I'd stayed after hours, I wasn't looking forward to returning to my house and have some dinner; I was more than alright with the idea of staying there with Daniel.
"I… I called someone last night."
"You called Nick?"
"No, not Nick. And not John, either. Nobody I know."
"Who did you call then?" I asked, even if I could already sense where this was heading to.
"Just… someone. For sex." He said the last part in a low whisper, ashamed, and I feared that his reluctance to talk about this could interfere with his story.
"Daniel, that's nothing to be ashamed of," I said, trying to reassure him. "You have no idea how many times I've heard about this, inside my office, and outside of it as well. It's not that rare."
He didn't look too convinced. "I'd never done it before. Never. But last night… I thought maybe things could change, that maybe someone who worked with sex could make me feel something."
"There's always a first time for everything, or so they say." He answered nothing, so I urged him on. "Is the fact of what you did alone what affects you so much, or is there something else?"
Silence.
"I found her page on the internet," he said, his eyes fixed on the floor. "She was beautiful, and I… I'd been having this weird sensation all day, so I didn't even doubt it."
"So she showed up to your house?"
"Yes. She was… something else," he said, and then added a bit sarcastically. "She truly was something else."
"What do you mean?" I asked, watching as a bitter smile appeared on his face.
"She… wasn't a she."
We both stayed quiet a few seconds after that, a silence that fell heavy on both of our shoulders. I could hear his heart beating fast, could see the way his face had flushed after saying it and could feel him almost praying me to say something, to let him know that I wasn't judging him from it, but I found myself unable to say anything.
I could only stare at him, my own heart thumping madly, like expecting something… and that's when I realized I could no longer go on with it. My own feelings for Daniel, my desire to help him, were interfering with what he was really saying. I was only listening what I wanted to listen.
But Daniel, seeing I didn't add anything to what he'd stated, continued with his story.
"When I found out, I told her… I told her I hadn't known, and she asked me if I wanted her to leave, but I… I just…" his voice wavered, and his eyes were probably tearing up, but I didn't know since I wasn't looking at him. It was now me who was staring intently at the floor, trying to stay focused, to keep my mind clean. "I told her to stay. That I wanted to watch her… watch him, while he… while he…"
"Please stop."
My voice came out strained and shaky, and I noticed my knuckles had turned white from the tight grip I was keeping on my note clipboard. Daniel's eyes narrowed slightly at me.
"We're past our time," I said as excuse.
"You…" Daniel looked around the office a bit helplessly, then his eyes fell on mine again. "You said you wouldn't judge me, I… just bear with me 5 more minutes, I… I need to get this out of myself, and I thought-"
"You thought wrong," I muttered, getting up from my chair and walking to the door. I held it open for him. "We'll continue this on our next session, but now, you have to leave."
I could see a flash of disappointment in his eyes before he wiped away the few tears that were threatening to make their way down his cheeks and he stood up with a sigh. Without looking at me, he walked to the door and left, and the moment he was gone, I slumped against the wall with my hands over my face.
Daniel's words from some sessions ago echoed inside my head. You're sick. You're sick. You're sick.
"I think we should end this now."
"You do?"
"Yes. It's not doing me any good, I'm more depressed than I've ever been, I'm doing things I don't want to do." His voice wasn't steady as he spoke, but the glare on his eyes compensated for it. "Besides, I don't want to talk to a guy who all he's going to do is fucking laugh at me and be grossed out."
I sighed. "Daniel, I wasn't laughing at you, nor was I grossed out."
"And that's why you kicked me out?"
"You must understand, I'm not a robot whose entire life depends on sitting on that chair and hearing other people out. I have a life of my own, have my own problems, fears, go through as much shit as you do. And as human, I make mistakes, and sometimes I can't keep my private life outside this office. So I apologize if you felt offended, but there's nothing further from reality than the idea of me laughing at your story. In fact, I was going to say if you wanted to finish telling me about it today, if you still want to continue this treatment. And I promise I won't cut you off in the middle of anything, and that we'll go on until midnight if necessary."
His expression didn't soften not one bit as he nodded curtly. "Alright," he said. However, he didn't speak.
"Do you want to… start where you left off?"
"No."
I stared at him for a few seconds, slightly taken aback. "No? Do you want to talk about something else, then?"
"No," he said again, and then added, "I don't really feel like talking today. I'm just going to leave."
And with no more words, he stood up, directed one last glance at me, and walked through the door, leaving me rooted to my spot. Something had broken.
I'd never been one to show my feelings. I didn't talk to many people about what went on inside my head, I'd been used to bottling everything up since I'd never had many people that I felt I could trust when I was younger. And it wasn't just that I didn't let it out, I wasn't really used to thinking about it, either. I'd always been afraid I'd analyze myself and find something was terribly wrong with me.
But since I'd fallen off with Daniel, it'd become difficult for me to hide the fact that I felt lost, and being in a place surrounded with therapists didn't make it any easier.
"Steve, may I talk with you for a minute?"
I turned around with my hand still on the knob. "Uh… My last patient just left, Roy. I was just leaving. "
"Yes, I know."
He stared at me with a small smile until I gave in and followed him into his office, closing the door behind us. He sat down at his chair and, as if it was the most normal thing, motioned to his sofa.
"You're kidding."
"Not at all, Steve."
My eyebrows raised, I stood next to the door for some seconds, staring at him in disbelief, until the churning of my stomach, that had now turned into something usual, convinced me to do what he said. I sat down at the edge, resting my elbows on my knees.
"You better make this short," I told him with a smile.
"Of course," he answered. "I've just noticed that you haven't been yourself lately, and you've pushed some patients off your schedule. Many patients, actually," he added, glancing down at a piece of paper that he now held in his hands.
"What, you have notes about me too, now?"
"Sort of." I shook my head amused, but he ignored me. "I just want to know what's bothering you, Steve. We've been friends for long, colleagues for even longer, and I hate to see you like that."
I let out a short sigh. "I just had a little problem with a patient," I said, knowing I couldn't lie to Roy. "I was having a rough day, reacted badly to something he told me, and he hasn't returned since then."
"And?"
"And what?"
Roy raised his eyebrows at me. "What's with this patient that makes him so important to you? We all lose patients sooner or later, when they consider they've had enough, or they don't agree with our working methods. It happens, you can't analyze the same patients over and over again for eternity."
"He's just…" an image of Daniel flashed in my mind, a gentle smile tugging at his lips, his eyes bright. "He was very reluctant at first, and he'd loosened up in these last sessions. I feel like I betrayed him, somehow."
"Oh, Steve," he said, a hint of a laugh in his voice, "don't fool yourself. Don't you think there's something more that's putting you down?"
"No," I said too quickly, making Roy chuckle.
"Just think it over, Steve," he said, standing up and walking to the door. "Call him to talk. Allow yourself to think about it, you, Steve, not Dr. Finnan."
I remained in my seat as he held the door open for me. "What if…" I made a hesitant pause. "… what if I reach a conclusion I don't like?"
Roy simply smiled. "Then you'll have to deal with it."
It was past 11 pm when I finally owned up to what Roy had told me and decided to phone Daniel to talk things over. The thought of it scared me beyond reason, the idea that he could hang up on me, or tell me to fuck off and tell me he wanted nothing to do with me.
But I had to admit that hearing his voice, saying whatever it is that he'd say to me, sounded a million times better than not hearing it at all. So I picked up my phone, went through my list until I found the number of the only patient I'd saved there, and pressed the 'call' button.
"Hello?"
I felt my throat close slightly. "Um. Yes, hello, it's Dr. Finnan. Steve."
Silence. "… oh."
"I was just… I was just wondering why you hadn't showed up to any of our appointments. I'm a bit worried."
He sighed. "We talked about this last session."
"Yes, I know, I just believed that you'd left and that everything was alright between us. Look, Daniel, I apologize again if I offended you, I was only having a rough day, just come to my office and we'll sort things out, yes?"
"I'm done with therapy."
I closed my eyes and ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm down the incessant turning of my stomach and the wild beating of my heart, that had gotten even worse with the harshness of his voice.
"Fine, then let's not do it as therapy. Just as… as two people that know each other. One of them fucked up and wants to apologize. Nothing else."
For some seconds, all I could hear was his breathing on the other side of the line. "Then let's not meet at your office. Let's meet somewhere else, somewhere normal people would meet."
"Alright," I said, and it took me a while to understand that he had agreed. "Then… then, um…"
"We'll meet outside your office and go to the nearest place from there. Tomorrow, at the same time I had an appointment." My stomach was doing flips that reminded me of my times as a teenager.
"Okay, great," I finally found myself able to answer, but all I got as response was Daniel hanging up.
Pairing: Daniel Agger / Steve Finnan
Author: onecasillas
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 2,536
Disclaimer: Not true, never happened.
A/N: Sorry it's been so long! Hope someone still remembers this story :) And this part is kind of blegh, but I don't know. At least it's something.
One | Two
"I haven't talked to John for a week now," he revealed to me that Thursday, when we were already reaching the end of what had been a surprisingly emotionless and almost empty session, during which Daniel had been mostly quiet in response to my questions.
"Is he not working with you anymore?"
"He is," he answered. "I just… I've taken some distance from him."
"And why is that?"
He looked at me with sad eyes. "Can I be honest with you?"
"Always."
With a small sigh, he looked down again. "I didn't like what you told me the other day. It made me feel unsure again, made me doubt many things, and I didn't like it."
"It made you feel uneasy because it wasn't what you were expecting to hear."
"I know." He replied, and only then did I notice his voice had moved towards a slightly reproachful tone. "But I know the way things are now. I know I'm not gay. I've never been attracted to a man in my life, and I never will be. I'm not gay."
Contrasting with the apparent confidence he'd shown with his words, he looked at me in search of reassurance, wanting me to tell him that he was right, that he wasn't gay, that whatever doubt he might've had had no reason to be at all. But I wasn't there to tell him what he wanted to hear.
"If that's the way you really feel, then I'm glad you reached that conclusion."
"Of course it's the way I really feel. I'm not gay."
"You've said that already," I told him calmly, "three times, actually. Is it me you're trying to convince, or is it yourself?"
"I don't have to convince myself about anything. I know I'm not gay."
"And yet you've had your doubts."
His eyes narrowed. "And who says that?"
"You did. You told me just now, a few minutes ago."
Daniel buried his face in his hands and let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing roughly at his eyes as to erase the thoughts off his mind. He took a couple of deep, shivery breaths, and by the time he looked up again, his eyes had watered just barely and his shoulders had started shaking.
"I fucked up," he stated, taking me completely off guard.
"I'm sorry?"
"Last night, I… I made something really stupid. And I hate myself for it, but in that moment it seemed, no, it felt like the right thing to do." I leant forwards in my chair to understand his mumblings better, but he stayed silent after that.
"Why don't you tell me what happened?"
"I'm ashamed of what I did," he whispered, and as if to confirm it, his entire face turned red.
"Daniel, you know you can trust me," I told him, trying to give him back that confidence that he'd once seemed so full of. "I'm not here to judge you, or to laugh at you, I'm here to listen to you, and to try to help you find an explanation to everything that's going through your mind right now."
I knew he'd heard me, even if he gave no signs of it, but he remained silent for a few minutes, just thinking. And I gave him all the time he wanted, not really caring about the fact that our hour and a half was over already, and that it was time for me to go home. But unlike other times I'd stayed after hours, I wasn't looking forward to returning to my house and have some dinner; I was more than alright with the idea of staying there with Daniel.
"I… I called someone last night."
"You called Nick?"
"No, not Nick. And not John, either. Nobody I know."
"Who did you call then?" I asked, even if I could already sense where this was heading to.
"Just… someone. For sex." He said the last part in a low whisper, ashamed, and I feared that his reluctance to talk about this could interfere with his story.
"Daniel, that's nothing to be ashamed of," I said, trying to reassure him. "You have no idea how many times I've heard about this, inside my office, and outside of it as well. It's not that rare."
He didn't look too convinced. "I'd never done it before. Never. But last night… I thought maybe things could change, that maybe someone who worked with sex could make me feel something."
"There's always a first time for everything, or so they say." He answered nothing, so I urged him on. "Is the fact of what you did alone what affects you so much, or is there something else?"
Silence.
"I found her page on the internet," he said, his eyes fixed on the floor. "She was beautiful, and I… I'd been having this weird sensation all day, so I didn't even doubt it."
"So she showed up to your house?"
"Yes. She was… something else," he said, and then added a bit sarcastically. "She truly was something else."
"What do you mean?" I asked, watching as a bitter smile appeared on his face.
"She… wasn't a she."
We both stayed quiet a few seconds after that, a silence that fell heavy on both of our shoulders. I could hear his heart beating fast, could see the way his face had flushed after saying it and could feel him almost praying me to say something, to let him know that I wasn't judging him from it, but I found myself unable to say anything.
I could only stare at him, my own heart thumping madly, like expecting something… and that's when I realized I could no longer go on with it. My own feelings for Daniel, my desire to help him, were interfering with what he was really saying. I was only listening what I wanted to listen.
But Daniel, seeing I didn't add anything to what he'd stated, continued with his story.
"When I found out, I told her… I told her I hadn't known, and she asked me if I wanted her to leave, but I… I just…" his voice wavered, and his eyes were probably tearing up, but I didn't know since I wasn't looking at him. It was now me who was staring intently at the floor, trying to stay focused, to keep my mind clean. "I told her to stay. That I wanted to watch her… watch him, while he… while he…"
"Please stop."
My voice came out strained and shaky, and I noticed my knuckles had turned white from the tight grip I was keeping on my note clipboard. Daniel's eyes narrowed slightly at me.
"We're past our time," I said as excuse.
"You…" Daniel looked around the office a bit helplessly, then his eyes fell on mine again. "You said you wouldn't judge me, I… just bear with me 5 more minutes, I… I need to get this out of myself, and I thought-"
"You thought wrong," I muttered, getting up from my chair and walking to the door. I held it open for him. "We'll continue this on our next session, but now, you have to leave."
I could see a flash of disappointment in his eyes before he wiped away the few tears that were threatening to make their way down his cheeks and he stood up with a sigh. Without looking at me, he walked to the door and left, and the moment he was gone, I slumped against the wall with my hands over my face.
Daniel's words from some sessions ago echoed inside my head. You're sick. You're sick. You're sick.
"I think we should end this now."
"You do?"
"Yes. It's not doing me any good, I'm more depressed than I've ever been, I'm doing things I don't want to do." His voice wasn't steady as he spoke, but the glare on his eyes compensated for it. "Besides, I don't want to talk to a guy who all he's going to do is fucking laugh at me and be grossed out."
I sighed. "Daniel, I wasn't laughing at you, nor was I grossed out."
"And that's why you kicked me out?"
"You must understand, I'm not a robot whose entire life depends on sitting on that chair and hearing other people out. I have a life of my own, have my own problems, fears, go through as much shit as you do. And as human, I make mistakes, and sometimes I can't keep my private life outside this office. So I apologize if you felt offended, but there's nothing further from reality than the idea of me laughing at your story. In fact, I was going to say if you wanted to finish telling me about it today, if you still want to continue this treatment. And I promise I won't cut you off in the middle of anything, and that we'll go on until midnight if necessary."
His expression didn't soften not one bit as he nodded curtly. "Alright," he said. However, he didn't speak.
"Do you want to… start where you left off?"
"No."
I stared at him for a few seconds, slightly taken aback. "No? Do you want to talk about something else, then?"
"No," he said again, and then added, "I don't really feel like talking today. I'm just going to leave."
And with no more words, he stood up, directed one last glance at me, and walked through the door, leaving me rooted to my spot. Something had broken.
I'd never been one to show my feelings. I didn't talk to many people about what went on inside my head, I'd been used to bottling everything up since I'd never had many people that I felt I could trust when I was younger. And it wasn't just that I didn't let it out, I wasn't really used to thinking about it, either. I'd always been afraid I'd analyze myself and find something was terribly wrong with me.
But since I'd fallen off with Daniel, it'd become difficult for me to hide the fact that I felt lost, and being in a place surrounded with therapists didn't make it any easier.
"Steve, may I talk with you for a minute?"
I turned around with my hand still on the knob. "Uh… My last patient just left, Roy. I was just leaving. "
"Yes, I know."
He stared at me with a small smile until I gave in and followed him into his office, closing the door behind us. He sat down at his chair and, as if it was the most normal thing, motioned to his sofa.
"You're kidding."
"Not at all, Steve."
My eyebrows raised, I stood next to the door for some seconds, staring at him in disbelief, until the churning of my stomach, that had now turned into something usual, convinced me to do what he said. I sat down at the edge, resting my elbows on my knees.
"You better make this short," I told him with a smile.
"Of course," he answered. "I've just noticed that you haven't been yourself lately, and you've pushed some patients off your schedule. Many patients, actually," he added, glancing down at a piece of paper that he now held in his hands.
"What, you have notes about me too, now?"
"Sort of." I shook my head amused, but he ignored me. "I just want to know what's bothering you, Steve. We've been friends for long, colleagues for even longer, and I hate to see you like that."
I let out a short sigh. "I just had a little problem with a patient," I said, knowing I couldn't lie to Roy. "I was having a rough day, reacted badly to something he told me, and he hasn't returned since then."
"And?"
"And what?"
Roy raised his eyebrows at me. "What's with this patient that makes him so important to you? We all lose patients sooner or later, when they consider they've had enough, or they don't agree with our working methods. It happens, you can't analyze the same patients over and over again for eternity."
"He's just…" an image of Daniel flashed in my mind, a gentle smile tugging at his lips, his eyes bright. "He was very reluctant at first, and he'd loosened up in these last sessions. I feel like I betrayed him, somehow."
"Oh, Steve," he said, a hint of a laugh in his voice, "don't fool yourself. Don't you think there's something more that's putting you down?"
"No," I said too quickly, making Roy chuckle.
"Just think it over, Steve," he said, standing up and walking to the door. "Call him to talk. Allow yourself to think about it, you, Steve, not Dr. Finnan."
I remained in my seat as he held the door open for me. "What if…" I made a hesitant pause. "… what if I reach a conclusion I don't like?"
Roy simply smiled. "Then you'll have to deal with it."
It was past 11 pm when I finally owned up to what Roy had told me and decided to phone Daniel to talk things over. The thought of it scared me beyond reason, the idea that he could hang up on me, or tell me to fuck off and tell me he wanted nothing to do with me.
But I had to admit that hearing his voice, saying whatever it is that he'd say to me, sounded a million times better than not hearing it at all. So I picked up my phone, went through my list until I found the number of the only patient I'd saved there, and pressed the 'call' button.
"Hello?"
I felt my throat close slightly. "Um. Yes, hello, it's Dr. Finnan. Steve."
Silence. "… oh."
"I was just… I was just wondering why you hadn't showed up to any of our appointments. I'm a bit worried."
He sighed. "We talked about this last session."
"Yes, I know, I just believed that you'd left and that everything was alright between us. Look, Daniel, I apologize again if I offended you, I was only having a rough day, just come to my office and we'll sort things out, yes?"
"I'm done with therapy."
I closed my eyes and ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm down the incessant turning of my stomach and the wild beating of my heart, that had gotten even worse with the harshness of his voice.
"Fine, then let's not do it as therapy. Just as… as two people that know each other. One of them fucked up and wants to apologize. Nothing else."
For some seconds, all I could hear was his breathing on the other side of the line. "Then let's not meet at your office. Let's meet somewhere else, somewhere normal people would meet."
"Alright," I said, and it took me a while to understand that he had agreed. "Then… then, um…"
"We'll meet outside your office and go to the nearest place from there. Tomorrow, at the same time I had an appointment." My stomach was doing flips that reminded me of my times as a teenager.
"Okay, great," I finally found myself able to answer, but all I got as response was Daniel hanging up.