A New Perspective
Title: A New Perspective
Author: onecasillas
Pairing: Steven Gerrard / Xabi Alonso
Summary: Xabi's departure from Liverpool, the way it really happened.
Word Count: 1,896
A/N: This was supposed to be a happy fic, but I'm not sure if I achieved that, so… well, you've been warned.
Steven sat on the sofa, his heart pounding as he nervously stared at the closed door, a million thoughts racing through his mind.
He was impatiently hoping that things would turn out the way he wanted them to, but at the same time, a dull feeling of disappointment in himself had settled in his chest, and he felt disgusted for wishing what he was. He hated himself for it, though a small voice in the back of his head told him he'd feel the same hatred if his hopes were exactly the opposite.
Did that make any sense? Not inside his mind, it didn't.
The door finally opened and Xabi walked out, phone in his hand and a smile on his face that looked entirely fake.
"How did it go?" Steven asked, not knowing if he wanted to know the answer.
Xabi simply shrugged and walked past him to leave the phone in its base, then joined the other in the sofa, and allowed his head to drop over Steven's shoulder.
"He says there's no way it's happening," Xabi answered after a few silent minutes. "That I'm too important for the team."
"Why so down, then, eh?" Steven gently asked, running his hand up and down Xabi's arm trying to comfort him. "That's a good thing, isn't it? Yer very important for this team."
Xabi sighed. "I know. I just… I wish I could be important for other team, you know?"
Even if Steven didn't know where Xabi was coming from, he nodded anyway and stayed silent, doing nothing but stroking Xabi's arm and keeping him company.
In moments like these, Steven wondered just how similar they both really were. He, for one, would never want to play in any other club that wasn't Liverpool; his career had started there, and that's where he wanted it to end. Besides, he knew he could never play for another team knowing his love for this one had reached such big dimensions.
"Maybe it's a good thing," Xabi said. "Perhaps… perhaps I'm meant to stay, no? I mean, Liverpool has given everything to me."
"And you have given everything to Liverpool," Steven said back in a gentle tone.
Xabi didn't answer, and no more words were spoken on the subject last night. It was something that hurt them both, the idea of leaving, the idea of staying, the idea of being apart, and sometimes it was better to avoid some things until the pain subsides.
Steven couldn't help but notice the change of attitude that presented itself on Xabi through the next couple of days, but then, he'd be a complete idiot if he didn't see it. Sulky, silent, not very keen on the sex, was what Steven saw; imprecise, asleep and a mess in the midfield, what the other players and Rafa did.
At some point, it became obvious to him that things couldn't continue to go on this way, and that he had to do something. Xabi was unhappy, and Steven had sworn night after night, right in the middle of his love declarations, that he'd do anything to make Xabi the happiest man alive.
And right now, he was failing at it.
The idea jumped to his mind without him even noticing it, and by the time he'd realized what he was planning to do, he was already sitting at Rafa's office, clammy hands and a heavy weight in his stomach, a set of eyes staring at him questioningly.
"I, um… I'm here because of all the whole Xabi thing," he started, and Rafa nodded, motioning to continue. "You see, he's not been himself for the past days, I'm sure yer've noticed, and… well, I-"
"Steven, out of all the people I know, you're the last one I thought would come here to try to convince me about this," Rafa said cutting him off. "I thought you loved Xabier?"
At this, Steven's eyebrows shot up. "I do, gaffer. More than anythin', more than anyone."
"Is that why you want him to leave?"
"That's why I want him to be happy," Steven shot back. "Listen, we can both tell he's not happy here, and what's the point in holdin' him back, eh? He's put his heart and soul into this club, don't yer think he deserves a little somethin' in return?"
"So the way of thanking him is kicking him out of our team?" Rafa asked, still incredulous.
"Of course not, it wouldn't be if he truly wanted to stay. But he doesn't, and yer know that. We can't cut off his career, and I think he has the right to choose where to continue, eh?" Steven went on. "And besides, he won't be at his maximum if yer force him to stay, so what good will it be in the end?"
Rafa studied Steven for a moment or two, both hands joined over the desk that was between them. A few more silent seconds, and he finally sighed.
"I can do nothing but promise to you I'll consider it," Rafa said, and to Steven, it sounded like he'd finally given up to his pleadings. "We could do with the money, after all."
"Yes, exactly."
"Like I said, I can only tell you I'll think about it."
"That's enough for me," Steven said, already standing up.
Rafa followed him to the door of his office, where he patted the captain's back with a smile. "I think you've made the right decision by coming here," he told him. "And I hope I can do the same."
"I'm sure yer will." Steven told him. "Oh, and can I ask yer another favor? Please don't tell Xabi I had this conversation with you, alright?"
"I won't say a word about it."
Steven took his time to drive back home that day. He tried to convince himself that it was in case Rafa would call Xabi now, but the truth was that he was scared of facing the other.
He'd made the right decision, he knew he had, but knowing you've acted correctly just isn't enough some times. Maybe Steven wanted to make all the wrong decisions he could to keep Xabi safe and by his side.
Safe and by your side, but not happy. Not a 100%. Yes, he'd made the right decision.
It was only half a surprise the excited hug he got as hello as soon as he walked through the entrance door, all warmness and excitement, and painful squeezing, a voice that kept going on and on about something, the tightening of the hug.
"I can't breathe, baby," he finally said, and perhaps he didn't want to. Perhaps he didn't want this hug to end, because that would finally mean hearing the news he both dreaded and hoped to hear, and then, it'd all be over.
"Yes, yes, you're right, I'm sorry, I'm just… so excited, Stevie, Dios!"
Xabi launched himself back into Steven's arms, and they stayed like that for what seemed like hours, just holding each other, feeling each other.
"I'm assuming you got a call from Rafa?"
Xabi pulled back to grin at him. "Yes! He said that he'd thought things over, and that he's going to sell me if a good enough offer shows up. Stevie, can you believe it?! Three weeks ago, he was telling me it was impossible, and now he's completely changed his mind!"
"Yeah, that's… strange," Steven said, but his answer went almost unnoticed in the middle of Xabi's excited ramblings.
"Oh, I hope Real puts out an offer for me, can you imagine? Can you imagine me playing at the Bernabéu, Steven? Sharing team with Iker, and with Sergio, and Raúl, and I just… I just…"
He trailed off when he saw the expression of deep pain etched into Steven's face. It wasn't only the usual lines in his forehead, but just by looking into his eyes you could see how much he was hurting. That made Xabi stop, and most of his excitement dripped away.
"You're not happy, are you?"
Steven was quick to put a smile on his face. "What are yer on about? Of course I'm happy for yer, lad, I'm just… a bit surprised, that's all. I wasn't expectin' it after what Rafa had told yer."
But Xabi didn't buy it. "The fact that I might go to another team or another country doesn't mean things will change between us."
"I know, Xabs," Steven answered, pulling Xabi in for another tight, breath-taking hug. "I know."
Their goodbyes had been said back at Steven's house, in the intimacy of their bedroom, and of every single room that was surrounded by the walls that had kept their secret hidden from the rest of the world, that had been witnesses to every demonstration of love that had gone between them. All that was left for the airport were mere meaningless words.
Steven carried Xabi's luggage, his other hand buried in his pocket to hide the fact that it was shaking. Xabi was walking ahead of him, his head hanging low, but Steven could see the shivers of excitement that run up and down his body every now and then.
He tried to pretend that he wasn't upset, that he wasn't going to miss Xabi like hell, that he wasn't scared of returning to a lonely house, to a team that would no longer have Xabi in its lines. Because it wouldn't be fair to Xabi to show all of this. Xabi was happy, and it wasn't Steven's right to take that away from him.
They finally reached the gates, just when the first boarding announcement was going through the loud speakers. Steven was grateful for that, he didn't want to sit down and have to spend much time there.
Xabi finally turned around to look at him. "I'll miss you, you know."
"Yes, of course I do. And I'll miss yer, too."
"And it's not like I'll be gone forever, or like we'll never see each other again, right?" Xabi's eyes were shining with hope, and Steven felt like he'd done something wrong if, after all those years of being together, Xabi was having such doubts.
"We'll visit each other on every chance we get, and we'll talk on the phone, and text each other, and have webcam sex and all that," Steven told him with a small grin, and Xabi let out a small chuckle.
"Sounds good."
No more words. Just one long, meaningful stare, and he was gone.
Driving back, Steven could feel the huge lump in his throat. Now that Xabi wasn't here, he didn't have any reason to force himself to hide what he really was feeling, and he hated the fact that he was this close to crying.
He reached his house, but didn't go in. He just stood in the doorway, not sure if he was ready to face all the memories.
But he'd made the right decision, he knew he had. The smile on Xabi's face when his move to Real Madrid had been confirmed had been priceless, and Steven thought that all the effort and all the pain in the world were worth seeing that.
If he'd been prepared to give up everything for Xabi, then facing these months without him was something he could surely overcome.
You're not alone on this.
He took a deep breath, and walked inside.
Author: onecasillas
Pairing: Steven Gerrard / Xabi Alonso
Summary: Xabi's departure from Liverpool, the way it really happened.
Word Count: 1,896
A/N: This was supposed to be a happy fic, but I'm not sure if I achieved that, so… well, you've been warned.
Steven sat on the sofa, his heart pounding as he nervously stared at the closed door, a million thoughts racing through his mind.
He was impatiently hoping that things would turn out the way he wanted them to, but at the same time, a dull feeling of disappointment in himself had settled in his chest, and he felt disgusted for wishing what he was. He hated himself for it, though a small voice in the back of his head told him he'd feel the same hatred if his hopes were exactly the opposite.
Did that make any sense? Not inside his mind, it didn't.
The door finally opened and Xabi walked out, phone in his hand and a smile on his face that looked entirely fake.
"How did it go?" Steven asked, not knowing if he wanted to know the answer.
Xabi simply shrugged and walked past him to leave the phone in its base, then joined the other in the sofa, and allowed his head to drop over Steven's shoulder.
"He says there's no way it's happening," Xabi answered after a few silent minutes. "That I'm too important for the team."
"Why so down, then, eh?" Steven gently asked, running his hand up and down Xabi's arm trying to comfort him. "That's a good thing, isn't it? Yer very important for this team."
Xabi sighed. "I know. I just… I wish I could be important for other team, you know?"
Even if Steven didn't know where Xabi was coming from, he nodded anyway and stayed silent, doing nothing but stroking Xabi's arm and keeping him company.
In moments like these, Steven wondered just how similar they both really were. He, for one, would never want to play in any other club that wasn't Liverpool; his career had started there, and that's where he wanted it to end. Besides, he knew he could never play for another team knowing his love for this one had reached such big dimensions.
"Maybe it's a good thing," Xabi said. "Perhaps… perhaps I'm meant to stay, no? I mean, Liverpool has given everything to me."
"And you have given everything to Liverpool," Steven said back in a gentle tone.
Xabi didn't answer, and no more words were spoken on the subject last night. It was something that hurt them both, the idea of leaving, the idea of staying, the idea of being apart, and sometimes it was better to avoid some things until the pain subsides.
Steven couldn't help but notice the change of attitude that presented itself on Xabi through the next couple of days, but then, he'd be a complete idiot if he didn't see it. Sulky, silent, not very keen on the sex, was what Steven saw; imprecise, asleep and a mess in the midfield, what the other players and Rafa did.
At some point, it became obvious to him that things couldn't continue to go on this way, and that he had to do something. Xabi was unhappy, and Steven had sworn night after night, right in the middle of his love declarations, that he'd do anything to make Xabi the happiest man alive.
And right now, he was failing at it.
The idea jumped to his mind without him even noticing it, and by the time he'd realized what he was planning to do, he was already sitting at Rafa's office, clammy hands and a heavy weight in his stomach, a set of eyes staring at him questioningly.
"I, um… I'm here because of all the whole Xabi thing," he started, and Rafa nodded, motioning to continue. "You see, he's not been himself for the past days, I'm sure yer've noticed, and… well, I-"
"Steven, out of all the people I know, you're the last one I thought would come here to try to convince me about this," Rafa said cutting him off. "I thought you loved Xabier?"
At this, Steven's eyebrows shot up. "I do, gaffer. More than anythin', more than anyone."
"Is that why you want him to leave?"
"That's why I want him to be happy," Steven shot back. "Listen, we can both tell he's not happy here, and what's the point in holdin' him back, eh? He's put his heart and soul into this club, don't yer think he deserves a little somethin' in return?"
"So the way of thanking him is kicking him out of our team?" Rafa asked, still incredulous.
"Of course not, it wouldn't be if he truly wanted to stay. But he doesn't, and yer know that. We can't cut off his career, and I think he has the right to choose where to continue, eh?" Steven went on. "And besides, he won't be at his maximum if yer force him to stay, so what good will it be in the end?"
Rafa studied Steven for a moment or two, both hands joined over the desk that was between them. A few more silent seconds, and he finally sighed.
"I can do nothing but promise to you I'll consider it," Rafa said, and to Steven, it sounded like he'd finally given up to his pleadings. "We could do with the money, after all."
"Yes, exactly."
"Like I said, I can only tell you I'll think about it."
"That's enough for me," Steven said, already standing up.
Rafa followed him to the door of his office, where he patted the captain's back with a smile. "I think you've made the right decision by coming here," he told him. "And I hope I can do the same."
"I'm sure yer will." Steven told him. "Oh, and can I ask yer another favor? Please don't tell Xabi I had this conversation with you, alright?"
"I won't say a word about it."
Steven took his time to drive back home that day. He tried to convince himself that it was in case Rafa would call Xabi now, but the truth was that he was scared of facing the other.
He'd made the right decision, he knew he had, but knowing you've acted correctly just isn't enough some times. Maybe Steven wanted to make all the wrong decisions he could to keep Xabi safe and by his side.
Safe and by your side, but not happy. Not a 100%. Yes, he'd made the right decision.
It was only half a surprise the excited hug he got as hello as soon as he walked through the entrance door, all warmness and excitement, and painful squeezing, a voice that kept going on and on about something, the tightening of the hug.
"I can't breathe, baby," he finally said, and perhaps he didn't want to. Perhaps he didn't want this hug to end, because that would finally mean hearing the news he both dreaded and hoped to hear, and then, it'd all be over.
"Yes, yes, you're right, I'm sorry, I'm just… so excited, Stevie, Dios!"
Xabi launched himself back into Steven's arms, and they stayed like that for what seemed like hours, just holding each other, feeling each other.
"I'm assuming you got a call from Rafa?"
Xabi pulled back to grin at him. "Yes! He said that he'd thought things over, and that he's going to sell me if a good enough offer shows up. Stevie, can you believe it?! Three weeks ago, he was telling me it was impossible, and now he's completely changed his mind!"
"Yeah, that's… strange," Steven said, but his answer went almost unnoticed in the middle of Xabi's excited ramblings.
"Oh, I hope Real puts out an offer for me, can you imagine? Can you imagine me playing at the Bernabéu, Steven? Sharing team with Iker, and with Sergio, and Raúl, and I just… I just…"
He trailed off when he saw the expression of deep pain etched into Steven's face. It wasn't only the usual lines in his forehead, but just by looking into his eyes you could see how much he was hurting. That made Xabi stop, and most of his excitement dripped away.
"You're not happy, are you?"
Steven was quick to put a smile on his face. "What are yer on about? Of course I'm happy for yer, lad, I'm just… a bit surprised, that's all. I wasn't expectin' it after what Rafa had told yer."
But Xabi didn't buy it. "The fact that I might go to another team or another country doesn't mean things will change between us."
"I know, Xabs," Steven answered, pulling Xabi in for another tight, breath-taking hug. "I know."
Their goodbyes had been said back at Steven's house, in the intimacy of their bedroom, and of every single room that was surrounded by the walls that had kept their secret hidden from the rest of the world, that had been witnesses to every demonstration of love that had gone between them. All that was left for the airport were mere meaningless words.
Steven carried Xabi's luggage, his other hand buried in his pocket to hide the fact that it was shaking. Xabi was walking ahead of him, his head hanging low, but Steven could see the shivers of excitement that run up and down his body every now and then.
He tried to pretend that he wasn't upset, that he wasn't going to miss Xabi like hell, that he wasn't scared of returning to a lonely house, to a team that would no longer have Xabi in its lines. Because it wouldn't be fair to Xabi to show all of this. Xabi was happy, and it wasn't Steven's right to take that away from him.
They finally reached the gates, just when the first boarding announcement was going through the loud speakers. Steven was grateful for that, he didn't want to sit down and have to spend much time there.
Xabi finally turned around to look at him. "I'll miss you, you know."
"Yes, of course I do. And I'll miss yer, too."
"And it's not like I'll be gone forever, or like we'll never see each other again, right?" Xabi's eyes were shining with hope, and Steven felt like he'd done something wrong if, after all those years of being together, Xabi was having such doubts.
"We'll visit each other on every chance we get, and we'll talk on the phone, and text each other, and have webcam sex and all that," Steven told him with a small grin, and Xabi let out a small chuckle.
"Sounds good."
No more words. Just one long, meaningful stare, and he was gone.
Driving back, Steven could feel the huge lump in his throat. Now that Xabi wasn't here, he didn't have any reason to force himself to hide what he really was feeling, and he hated the fact that he was this close to crying.
He reached his house, but didn't go in. He just stood in the doorway, not sure if he was ready to face all the memories.
But he'd made the right decision, he knew he had. The smile on Xabi's face when his move to Real Madrid had been confirmed had been priceless, and Steven thought that all the effort and all the pain in the world were worth seeing that.
If he'd been prepared to give up everything for Xabi, then facing these months without him was something he could surely overcome.
You're not alone on this.
He took a deep breath, and walked inside.