Take a Chance 2
Title: Take a Chance (2/2)
Author: onecasillas
Pairing: Steven Gerrard/Xabi Alonso
Rating: PG-13
Summary: AU. After the incident with Xabi, Steven has to make up his mind about what he really wants.
Word count: 5053
A/N: My fics are friends locked, but I'll add anyone who asks. Part one is here
It was more than a week until Steven finally talked to Andrea. He'd done everything to avoid her: he'd been purposely late to most of his classes so that she couldn't be waiting for him there, he'd taken different ways to his classroom each day, and he'd skipped lunch every day just to stay away from the cafeteria.
He wasn't exactly sure of why he was doing it. He'd tried to convince himself that it was out of embarrassment, that he was scared of what she could possibly say to him after what he'd done to Xabi, that she'd tell him to fuck off and never come near her again.
But as days had passed, he'd come to realize that it wasn't so much about her, but about what Xabi could've possibly told her. He knew he'd fucked up, he knew he'd been an asshole and that he'd hurt Xabi, and he didn't want to hear it. The truth was that he felt guilty as hell, and all he wanted was to put all of this behind, but he couldn't. The thought of Xabi's face when he'd realized what Steven's plan had been all along kept jumping to his mind out of nowhere, usually leaving him with a turning sensation in his stomach and wishing he could go back and never make the decision he'd made.
But unfortunately, he couldn't avoid Andrea forever, and she found him that Friday sitting in the middle of the hallway and waiting for lunch time to end. Steven didn't look up from the floor, but as someone sat beside him, he knew it had to be her.
"You've been really distant," she stated, not a trace of coldness in her voice. "Is everything alright?"
Steven didn't look at her. "Yeah."
"It's about the whole thing with Xabi, isn't it?" she asked. "Look, I know things ended pretty badly, but... there's no hard feelings, you know?"
Steven looked up hopefully, his eyes meeting hers in a desperate search of any signs that would confirm what she'd just say. No hard feelings? He'd seen the look on Xabi's face that night, and hell, he saw it every day now, so how was that even possible?
"Do yer mean...?"
Andrea smiled. "Yeah," she replied with a half shrug. "I mean, I could never stay mad at you, Stevie. Especially after what Xabi told me, your whole little plan behind all this."
Steven found himself unable to look at her in the face anymore, so he turned his eyes to the floor again. No hard feelings meant she wasn't mad at him hurting her friend, of course, not that her friend had suddenly forgiven him after what he'd done. And for some reason or another, Steven found himself feeling slightly disappointed.
"Oh, don't be ashamed," she continued saying, reading his silence the wrong way. "I think what you did was cute. And, I'm free tonight, so... pick me up at 8?"
Steven's eyes widened as he finally understood what she meant, and he looked at her again. She was smiling a bit hopefully, and her eyes were gentle, and she was wearing her hair just the way he liked it and... No. I can't do this. He looked away again. I hurt Xabi to get this. I can't do it, I don't deserve it.
But wasn't this your goal since everything started? Besides, the damage's already been done, you might as well just go with it.
"So? What do you say?"
Steven frowned a bit, then forced some words out of his mouth. "Yes. Um, yeah, sure."
"Alright, awesome. See you later, then."
She got up and left, and Steven let his head drop against the wall with a loud thud, hating himself even more than he had a few minutes ago.
He picked Andrea up at exactly 8 o'clock. His stomach was a turning mess, but not exactly because of the date itself. As he'd been getting dressed into clean clothes, he'd been horrified to notice that things had definitely taken the wrong turn and were now out of control: he'd stayed away from the clothes he'd worn to meet Xabi, in case Andrea told Xabi about it and he'd realize it, and he didn't want Xabi thinking he had a bad fashion sense.
And by the time Steven had realized he'd been worrying about Xabi again, that he'd been planning out his clothes just to impress him, that he'd even formed the phrase fashion sense inside his head, it was too late to step back.
It was ironic to think that for these past weeks, he hadn't dated the person he'd wanted to, but someone close to that person in hopes of impressing them. He'd dated Xabi to get to Andrea, and now had a date with her to impress Xabi. What the fuck was wrong with him? And when had he started to like guys, anyway? He'd been straight all his life, why wasn't he taking the chance to date this beautiful girl, and was instead thinking in someone else?
But he couldn't help it.
He couldn't get Xabi out of his mind for one single second throughout all his date with Andrea. When she got into Steven's car, all he could think of was that she wasn't looking as attractive as Xabi had, and as they had coffee, he couldn't help but notice that talking to her was far from being as easy and as entertaining as it had been with the Spaniard.
"Stevie, are you feeling alright?"
They were parked in front of Andrea's house. The date had finished when Steven had put an abrupt end to it, putting excuses to cancel whatever other plans Andrea was coming up with, and insisting over and over again it was time to drive her home.
Steven had to admit it'd been one of the worst dates he'd ever been on, and he couldn't imagine how he'd even thought that his first date with Xabi had been lame after this. He'd been thinking just about that when Andrea pulled him out of his thoughts.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," he said, forcing a smile to his face.
"Good," she said, smiling back. "Because I had a great time today."
Steven nodded his head. "Er, me too. Great date, it was. I had loads of fun."
Andrea didn't seem to catch on his lie, and instead smiled even wider at him. She leant over the space between the two seats and placed a kiss on Steven's cheek.
"See you soon, alright?"
She got out of the car without receiving an answer, and Steven waited until she'd gone inside her house to drive away. His head was pounding with doubts and fears, but at the same time, he felt a bit lighter, like he'd finally accepted a fact that had been rounding his mind and keeping him from thinking clearly.
There was no denying it now: Andrea no longer had any effect on him, and Xabi... Christ, Xabi what? Well, he surely thought about him a lot, Steven admitted, and not always on the inncocent, I-like-your-best-friend kind of way. There was something much more to the constant present of the Spaniard in his head, of the turn of his stomach at the mere mention of his name.
So alright then, something with Xabi. Yes, but what? Steven ran his hand through his hair as he pulled over in front of his house. He knew what, it was just scary to admit it. But he had to, or otherwise, he'd had no chance to get Xabi to talk to him again, and at least he was ready to confess that that was something he wanted.
He got out of his car and walked to his house, soft sighs leaving his mouth every now and then. He didn't feel like talking to anyone, so he ignored the guilty feeling inside his stomach as he answered a cold "yes" to his mother's concern about how the date had been and went straight to his bedroom.
Laying in his bed in nothing but his boxers, he stared at the ceiling, his cellphone over his naked chest. He was waiting for it to ring; in his mind, Andrea had called Xabi right after her date with Steven, had let him know Steven hadn't even kissed her, that he obviously had something for Xabi, and the Spaniard would call him and forgive him.
But of course, that hadn't happened. He was tempted to call Xabi himself, but he wasn't sure of what he'd say. Instead, he rolled to his side, put the phone next to his head, and forced himself to fall asleep.
When Sunday morning rolled in, Steven was surprised to find he had a fixed idea on his mind and that not even his own reasoning could make it disappear. During the night, apparently, his brain had been working non-stop, and when he'd woken up, he was already decided to head over to Xabi's house to try to fix things. It was stupid, and risky, but things couldn't get worse for him than they already were.
He took a shower, changed into clean clothes and jumped to his car. The drive there was as short as he'd intended, and with the same purpose than when he'd first taken Xabi out: prevent himself from thinking.
It was only when he arrived there that he realized he really didn't know what to say. He was sure that Xabi would expect him to give a full explanation of how things had turned out, of his feelings, his thoughts, everything that had gone through his mind, but the truth was that Steven didn't know half those things, and didn't understand the other half. He didn't even know why he was there, and it was certain that the Spaniard wouldn't forgive him with just saying "I want to fix things".
He sat inside his car, holding his head with both of his hands, thinking and making up a speech to convince Xabi that he really wasn't the asshole he'd been on those few days they'd gotten to know each other. After a while, he decided that he'd never come up with something he'd be entirely happy with, and forced himself out of the car and up to Xabi's doorstep.
With trembling fingers, he rang the doorbell and waited.
A woman that looked around her forties opened the door, apron tied around her waist and hair picked up in a messy bun. Steven saw that she had the same colour of eyes Xabi did.
"Hello," she said in a gentle and yet questioning voice.
"Hey, um... is Xabi here?"
The woman smiled and shook his head. "No, he isn't. He had a football match today and won't be home before lunch."
"Oh."
"Do you want me to let him know you were here? What's your name? Maybe he can call you when he comes back."
"Er, no, no, that's alright," Steven said, widely avoiding the question of his name. "I'll, um... come back later. Thanks."
"As you wish. Goodbye."
The woman closed the door and Steven slowly made his way back to his car, turned on the engine, and drove back home. He hadn't really considered the chance of Xabi not being home; it was a Saturday morning, after all, and Steven had figured that in the worst of cases, Xabi would've been sleeping after going out the previous night.
On the bright side, Steven thought, this gave him more time to actually think of the perfect words, and maybe even buy something to make the right impression on Xabi.
So he spent his entire afternoon locked up in his bedroom, writing down and crossing out words and phrases, mixing both things that were in his mind and things he'd caught in movies or those stupid poetry books he'd had to read for his Literature class the last semester.
Nothing he came up with seemed to be enough, but the final result was miles ahead of the cluttered mind he'd showed up with at Xabi's house that morning.
He decided he'd go back the following day. By the time he'd finished his little speech, it was already dinner time and Steven didn't want to be rude or intruding. Besides, it was less likely for Xabi to have plans on a Sunday; he'd probably be at his place studying or spending time with his family or something.
And when Sunday arrived, Steven left his house after having lunch. He took his car, though he drove a lot slower to have more time to go over his speech. He also took a detour on his way there to buy a single red rose in a little flower shop he knew a few blocks away from Xabi's place.
He didn't know if Xabi liked flowers. Maybe he'd think the gesture was cheesy, but maybe maybe it'd be the final touch to push Xabi into forgiving him, so Steven had to stay hopeful.
Rose in his hand and words in his head, he rang the doorbell again. This time, his legs weren't shaking as much as they had the previous day, and he was feeling more confident about the results he'd get.
"Hello again," Xabi's mother greeted him as she opened the door.
"Hello," he said politely, clutching the rose tighter in his hand. "I--"
"I assume you're here for Xabi again?" she asked, and her eyes slowly travelled down to the single flower hanging by Steven's side. A smile crept up her lips.
"Y-Yes, I am," Steven said with a blush, noticing where the woman's eyes were now at.
"Well, I'm afraid he's not here." She answered meeting his gaze again, and Steven felt his heart drop. "He's off with his father, I don't think they'll be returning to soon."
Steven sighed. "Oh. Okay, then."
"Do you want me to give that to him?" she asked, gesturing to the rose. "Before it dries?"
Steven mutely nodded, feeling his cheeks burning with embarrassment, and he handed the lady the rose before turning around and silently making his way back to the car. Once inside he let his head drop over the wheel as he clutched at it tightly, trying to hold himself together.
"Fuck!" he cursed out. He felt the tears at his eyes and furiously wiped them out.
He couldn't believe his luck, what were the chances of Xabi not being there the two times he'd showed up? But maybe... Steven's blurry gaze turned sharply back to the house, where the door was closed again and there was no apparent movement. He looked up to the windows in the second floor, in hopes of seeing a shadow walk by, but there was nothing.
"Yer bein' a complete lunatic," he told himself.
The car wasn't even there, and besides, why would Xabi lie to him? He had nothing to hide from Steven, anyway, and even if he could hate him with all his heart, he wouldn't do something as stupid as asking his mom to lie for him.
Steven waited until he was a bit calmer to drive back to his house. He ignored his mother's questions at his dishevelled appearance and locked himelf in his room again.
He felt ridiculous, laying over his bed doing nothing other than thinking about a guy who had no interest in being with him. How pathetic was he? Buying roses and coming up with speeches to beg him for forgiveness. And then what? What would happen if Xabi happened to let everything go? A third date? Steven hadn't even thought that far, though the idea of taking Xabi out sounded good enough. There were still a lot of things he wanted to find out about him, what he liked, what football teams he supported, if he kissed on the third date.
Fuck. Steven ran a hand through his hair and repeated to himself how pathetic he was. For a split second, he doubted ever returning to Xabi's house, but he knew it was pointless. It was obvious that Xabi's mom would give him the flower, he'd ask who was it from, and she'd probably describe Steven for him. He was sure there weren't many other English men who would show up twice at his place looking nervous and at the edge of breaking down.
Yes, Xabi would know it'd been him. Steven pulled his phone out of his pocket and stared at the screen for around 15 minutes until he gathered up enough courage to type what was in his mind.
I keep missing you, he wrote, and only after he'd sent it he realized that Xabi could read it and understand it on a different way Steven had intended. None of those meanings was a lie, though.
But in any case, it didn't matter, for Steven spent all night staring at his phone and waiting for a reply that never arrived.
Andrea didn't talk to him that day at school, and Steven didn't know if he was grateful for that or not. He didn't know if she was avoiding him because of how distant he'd been at the date, or if Xabi had mentioned something to her about his visits. Either way, it was the same to him.
His mind was in a completely different place through all the day, and when he finally returned to his house, he couldn't really remember any of the things he'd seen at any of his classes.
And if things weren't bad enough, he was sat down by his concerned mother, who worriedly asked him what was going on with him and what was keeping him in such a mood.
"It's nothing, ma, I'm fine," he said, but his voice didn't even convince himself.
"Steven, you've spent the weekend locked up in your bedroom, and have only left once each day for short periods of time. What have you been buying Steven? Look at yourself, you're tired, it doesn't seem like you've been getting much sleep, and your mood has been foul since Friday."
With that point of view, Steven had to admit it didn't look too good. But the fact that his mother has thought he was buying drugs was what put the first smile on his face that day.
"What are you laughing at?" she demanded.
"Ma, I'm not havin' drugs. I'd never do that, me, yer know that!" He said, still grinning. "I promise, it's nothin' like that."
"Then what?" she insisted, now calmer. "Girl problems?"
"Somethin' like that, yeah," Steven admitted.
"Well, what is it?"
"It's just... there's this guy I really like. His name's Xabi, and... well, I really fucked up and I don't know if he'll forgive me," he said. "I... I've been goin' to his house and everythin', but he's never there, and I don't even know if that's a good thing or not, 'cause I'm not even sure what I'll say to him, yer know?"
Steven's mother smiled and held his hand. "Look, son, the best thing you can do is be honest with him. Just tell him how you feel, what you think, and if he doesn't forgive you, then that's no longer a problem you can fix."
"I'm just... so confused," Steven said, shaking his head. "I don't even know what is it that I feel, I just know that... well, that I've never liked someone so much, and I've only dated him twice! And... I just can't stop thinkin' about him."
"Well, then that's exactly what you should tell him."
Steven left for Xabi's house that day minutes after his talk with his mother. He'd forgotten about his speech, but it really didn't matter anymore. His talk with his mom had injected a new flow of hope inside him, and he was planning on saying whatever came to his mind. If Xabi didn't take him back... well, like his mother had said, it was no longer something that was in his hands.
He ran the doorbell for the third time in three days, and was again received by Xabi's mom.
"Please tell me he's home," he said, even before she could greet him.
"You just show up in the worst ocassions," she said, and Steven felt like killing himself right there and then. "He's off studying with his friends, but..." she checked her watch, "I told him to be home before 7, so he shouldn't be long."
Steve sighed. All the hope and confidence he'd gathered up were now crumbling again. "Fine, I'll... drive by later, then."
"Oh, no, please come in," Xabi's mom offered. "I'd feel awful if I had to send you back a third time. And like I said, Xabi won't be long. You can wait for him here."
Steven agreed and followed her inside, knowing that at least this time he was going to meet Xabi. What was going to come out of it, though, he didn't know.
Xabi's mother invited him into the kitchen, where she was cooking dinner for her family. Steven simply leant against one of the chairs at first, looking at her doing her job, but soon he was being asked to look for things in the cupboards for her, and before he could tell, he was helping her cook the meal.
"You know, Xabi really appreciate the rose the other day," she mentioned. Steven pretended to be busy chopping up some carrots and didn't answer. "Your name is Steven, isn't it?"
He finally looked up. "Yeah."
"He talked about you a lot," she went on, "I think he really likes you."
"I think he really hates me," Steven mumbled, going back to the carrots.
"Oh, that's nonsense! Only a blind man would fail to see how much he likes you," she said. "He instantly knew it was you when I gave him that rose, and the smile on his face! I think--"
Her words were interrupted at the sound of the front door being closed, and then a voice from the hall was heard growing louder and nearer.
"Má, ya llegué." Steven froze. Even if he didn't understand the words, he could recognize it as Xabi's voice. "Estoy un poco tarde porque tuve que pasar por lo de..."
He stopped in his tracks as he reached the kitchen and was greeted by the sight of his mother and Steven cooking together. His entire face flushed.
"Hey, darling. Your friend Steven here was helping me prepare dinner."
Steven hesitantly waved his hand at Xabi, who returned the gesture just as doubtful. Steven saw him look at his mother for a few seconds, before their gazes connected again.
"Um, Steven... do you want to come to my room?"
Steven nodded quietly and washed his hands, then was led by the Spaniard up to the second floor and to the right. All the time, his stomach kept turning and twisting nervously, while his mind still didn't seem to comprehend that the moment was finally here, and he couldn't remember not one single word of what he wanted to say.
Xabi's room was neat and tidy, yet still cozy. His bed was against the further wall to give space to his desk, and a table with a TV and some CD's. The walls were covered in posters of Liverpool and Spain's National Team, and a few music bands here and there.
"You can sit if you want," Xabi offered as he sat down at the edge of his bed. Steven, who until then had remained standing at the door, walked over to him and took place at his side. "So... what is it?"
"I..." Steven took a deep breath and let it out again, trying to calm himself. "I've been thinkin' a lot about the right words to say this, and... I'm just goin' to say it because I think yer deserve an explanation for what happened."
"I don't need an explanation, Steven," Xabi said coldly. "I know very well what happened. I know you like Andrea, so you should just man up and ask her out."
Steven sighed. If Xabi really liked him as his mother had said, he certainly wasn't showing it at all. "I... I went out with Andrea on Friday," he said, and felt Xabi's eyes turn sharply to him in a sign that he hadn't been aware of that date. "It didn't go well. At all."
"So you're here now?" Xabi asked, raising his eyebrows. "It didn't work out with her, so I'm your last option?"
"No, it's nothin' like that! Look, it didn't go right with her because, well, I just couldn't stop thinkin' about yer... I haven't stopped thinkin' in what happened since that night, and you've just been... roundin' me head for the past weeks."
"See, if that were true, you would've tried to explain things a whole lot earlier. And you wouldn't have taken Andrea out."
Steven sighed again. "A whole lot earlier I didn't even know what was goin' through me heart and through me mind. Hell, I don't even know it still. I just... I really like yer, Xabi. Seriously."
Xabi stared at him with an unbreakable expression, his eyes flying all over the room to prevent himself from meeting Steven's stare. He finally spoke again.
"Steven, if there's anything that you feel, then that's guilt," he said. "So just apologize, I'll forgive you, and you can leave and go ask Andrea out again."
"Xabi, I don't feel guilty! I mean, I do, yeah, for what I did to yer, but that's not why I'm here. I told yer already, yer do things to me that nobody else has."
"We've only been on two dates and you're saying that?"
Steven ran a hand through his hair desperately. "Xabi, yer can't say yer didn't feel the connection we had. I know yer did, and... I just want yer to please forget what I did to yer and let me take yer out again."
Xabi's face softened, but he simply shook his head. "Stop fooling yourself. You're not gay, Steven."
"Yer right, I'm not," he said. Xabi's eyebrows went up again. "I'm not gay 'cause I don't fancy any other guys, Xabi. But you... yer a completely different thing."
Xabi narrowed his eyes at him. "You're saying I'm not a guy?"
"No! No, I'm sayin'... other lads don't have this effect on me."
"I think that liking only one guy still makes you gay, though," Xabi said, and the smile that appeared on his lips made Steven's face break into a grin.
"It does, doesn't it?"
Xabi looked down without saying anything else, and they sat in silence for the next minutes, both of them going over the conversation they'd just had. Steven wasn't sure if Xabi's smile had meant he was forgiven, but there was a certain easeness inside him for at least getting it over with. He'd said what he'd wanted to say, and Xabi would consider if he'd trust in him again or not.
It was only after some minutes when the Spaniard spoke again.
"Does Andrea know?"
Steven was a bit taken aback with the question. "About what?"
"About... you being here."
"Oh," Steven looked down again. "No, she doesn't. She doesn't know I didn't like her anymore when we went out, either."
"You should tell her."
Steven nodded his head quietly. He knew Xabi was right, Andrea deserved an explanation just like Xabi had, but he wasn't sure he wanted to talk to her. It sounded selfish inside his mind, but he'd done all this effort for Xabi because he cared about him, and Andrea...
"I can talk to her if I want," Xabi interrupted his thoughts. "If you don't..."
"No, that's fine. I'll do it, I don't want to be a coward."
Xabi smiled at this and nodded his head. "Okay, then."
Steven used Xabi's silence to gather up the courage he needed to ask the next question.
"So... yer think I could take yer out tonight?"
"I've got school tomorrow," Xabi answered, but the tone in his voice indicated that he wanted the date just as much as Steven did, and that gave him the confidence he needed to insist.
"It'll only be a little while, yeah? Maybe I can take yer out for dinner?"
"Oh, but I wouldn't want to miss your brilliant performance in my kitchen," Xabi said playfully. "Maybe you could stay over for dinner with us?"
Steven's eyes widened. "Er, Xabi, I..."
"Yes, I know. Too soon, no?"
"Yeah, a little."
They fell silent again, but it was a comfortable silence, and Steven couldn't deny he'd never felt so at ease with anyone like he did now. And by the looks of Xabi's smile on his face, neither had the Spaniard.
"I should go home. Me mom will be waitin' for some updates or somethin'."
Xabi laughed. "Alright."
He walked Steven to the door and to his car, standing next to him with a smile as Steven turned around to say his goodbyes. As their eyes met, something went through both their minds at the same time, and before they knew it, Steven had leant in and had pressed his lips against Xabi's in the shortest yet most meaningful kiss.
Xabi smiled a bit shyly. "Was that weird?" he asked, and to his relief, Steven shook his head.
"Not at all."
"Good."
And with that, Xabi placed his hand in the back of Steven's neck and pulled him down for another kiss that let them both breathless and with their lips swollen as they pulled back. Steven felt his stomach turning inside him and blushed a little at the feeling, leaning closer to Xabi to hide it.
"You're still up for tonight?" the Spaniard asked him.
"Yer bet. I'll pick yer up after dinner, yeah?"
Xabi agreed and they parted with another kiss, and Steven got into his car with a bright smile that was still on his face as he reached his house. Looking back on it, he didn't regret any of the things he'd done, because it'd been all of those little actions what had gotten him together with Xabi in the end, and there was no point in denying that this was as happy and as complete as he'd ever felt.
Author: onecasillas
Pairing: Steven Gerrard/Xabi Alonso
Rating: PG-13
Summary: AU. After the incident with Xabi, Steven has to make up his mind about what he really wants.
Word count: 5053
A/N: My fics are friends locked, but I'll add anyone who asks. Part one is here
It was more than a week until Steven finally talked to Andrea. He'd done everything to avoid her: he'd been purposely late to most of his classes so that she couldn't be waiting for him there, he'd taken different ways to his classroom each day, and he'd skipped lunch every day just to stay away from the cafeteria.
He wasn't exactly sure of why he was doing it. He'd tried to convince himself that it was out of embarrassment, that he was scared of what she could possibly say to him after what he'd done to Xabi, that she'd tell him to fuck off and never come near her again.
But as days had passed, he'd come to realize that it wasn't so much about her, but about what Xabi could've possibly told her. He knew he'd fucked up, he knew he'd been an asshole and that he'd hurt Xabi, and he didn't want to hear it. The truth was that he felt guilty as hell, and all he wanted was to put all of this behind, but he couldn't. The thought of Xabi's face when he'd realized what Steven's plan had been all along kept jumping to his mind out of nowhere, usually leaving him with a turning sensation in his stomach and wishing he could go back and never make the decision he'd made.
But unfortunately, he couldn't avoid Andrea forever, and she found him that Friday sitting in the middle of the hallway and waiting for lunch time to end. Steven didn't look up from the floor, but as someone sat beside him, he knew it had to be her.
"You've been really distant," she stated, not a trace of coldness in her voice. "Is everything alright?"
Steven didn't look at her. "Yeah."
"It's about the whole thing with Xabi, isn't it?" she asked. "Look, I know things ended pretty badly, but... there's no hard feelings, you know?"
Steven looked up hopefully, his eyes meeting hers in a desperate search of any signs that would confirm what she'd just say. No hard feelings? He'd seen the look on Xabi's face that night, and hell, he saw it every day now, so how was that even possible?
"Do yer mean...?"
Andrea smiled. "Yeah," she replied with a half shrug. "I mean, I could never stay mad at you, Stevie. Especially after what Xabi told me, your whole little plan behind all this."
Steven found himself unable to look at her in the face anymore, so he turned his eyes to the floor again. No hard feelings meant she wasn't mad at him hurting her friend, of course, not that her friend had suddenly forgiven him after what he'd done. And for some reason or another, Steven found himself feeling slightly disappointed.
"Oh, don't be ashamed," she continued saying, reading his silence the wrong way. "I think what you did was cute. And, I'm free tonight, so... pick me up at 8?"
Steven's eyes widened as he finally understood what she meant, and he looked at her again. She was smiling a bit hopefully, and her eyes were gentle, and she was wearing her hair just the way he liked it and... No. I can't do this. He looked away again. I hurt Xabi to get this. I can't do it, I don't deserve it.
But wasn't this your goal since everything started? Besides, the damage's already been done, you might as well just go with it.
"So? What do you say?"
Steven frowned a bit, then forced some words out of his mouth. "Yes. Um, yeah, sure."
"Alright, awesome. See you later, then."
She got up and left, and Steven let his head drop against the wall with a loud thud, hating himself even more than he had a few minutes ago.
He picked Andrea up at exactly 8 o'clock. His stomach was a turning mess, but not exactly because of the date itself. As he'd been getting dressed into clean clothes, he'd been horrified to notice that things had definitely taken the wrong turn and were now out of control: he'd stayed away from the clothes he'd worn to meet Xabi, in case Andrea told Xabi about it and he'd realize it, and he didn't want Xabi thinking he had a bad fashion sense.
And by the time Steven had realized he'd been worrying about Xabi again, that he'd been planning out his clothes just to impress him, that he'd even formed the phrase fashion sense inside his head, it was too late to step back.
It was ironic to think that for these past weeks, he hadn't dated the person he'd wanted to, but someone close to that person in hopes of impressing them. He'd dated Xabi to get to Andrea, and now had a date with her to impress Xabi. What the fuck was wrong with him? And when had he started to like guys, anyway? He'd been straight all his life, why wasn't he taking the chance to date this beautiful girl, and was instead thinking in someone else?
But he couldn't help it.
He couldn't get Xabi out of his mind for one single second throughout all his date with Andrea. When she got into Steven's car, all he could think of was that she wasn't looking as attractive as Xabi had, and as they had coffee, he couldn't help but notice that talking to her was far from being as easy and as entertaining as it had been with the Spaniard.
"Stevie, are you feeling alright?"
They were parked in front of Andrea's house. The date had finished when Steven had put an abrupt end to it, putting excuses to cancel whatever other plans Andrea was coming up with, and insisting over and over again it was time to drive her home.
Steven had to admit it'd been one of the worst dates he'd ever been on, and he couldn't imagine how he'd even thought that his first date with Xabi had been lame after this. He'd been thinking just about that when Andrea pulled him out of his thoughts.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," he said, forcing a smile to his face.
"Good," she said, smiling back. "Because I had a great time today."
Steven nodded his head. "Er, me too. Great date, it was. I had loads of fun."
Andrea didn't seem to catch on his lie, and instead smiled even wider at him. She leant over the space between the two seats and placed a kiss on Steven's cheek.
"See you soon, alright?"
She got out of the car without receiving an answer, and Steven waited until she'd gone inside her house to drive away. His head was pounding with doubts and fears, but at the same time, he felt a bit lighter, like he'd finally accepted a fact that had been rounding his mind and keeping him from thinking clearly.
There was no denying it now: Andrea no longer had any effect on him, and Xabi... Christ, Xabi what? Well, he surely thought about him a lot, Steven admitted, and not always on the inncocent, I-like-your-best-friend kind of way. There was something much more to the constant present of the Spaniard in his head, of the turn of his stomach at the mere mention of his name.
So alright then, something with Xabi. Yes, but what? Steven ran his hand through his hair as he pulled over in front of his house. He knew what, it was just scary to admit it. But he had to, or otherwise, he'd had no chance to get Xabi to talk to him again, and at least he was ready to confess that that was something he wanted.
He got out of his car and walked to his house, soft sighs leaving his mouth every now and then. He didn't feel like talking to anyone, so he ignored the guilty feeling inside his stomach as he answered a cold "yes" to his mother's concern about how the date had been and went straight to his bedroom.
Laying in his bed in nothing but his boxers, he stared at the ceiling, his cellphone over his naked chest. He was waiting for it to ring; in his mind, Andrea had called Xabi right after her date with Steven, had let him know Steven hadn't even kissed her, that he obviously had something for Xabi, and the Spaniard would call him and forgive him.
But of course, that hadn't happened. He was tempted to call Xabi himself, but he wasn't sure of what he'd say. Instead, he rolled to his side, put the phone next to his head, and forced himself to fall asleep.
When Sunday morning rolled in, Steven was surprised to find he had a fixed idea on his mind and that not even his own reasoning could make it disappear. During the night, apparently, his brain had been working non-stop, and when he'd woken up, he was already decided to head over to Xabi's house to try to fix things. It was stupid, and risky, but things couldn't get worse for him than they already were.
He took a shower, changed into clean clothes and jumped to his car. The drive there was as short as he'd intended, and with the same purpose than when he'd first taken Xabi out: prevent himself from thinking.
It was only when he arrived there that he realized he really didn't know what to say. He was sure that Xabi would expect him to give a full explanation of how things had turned out, of his feelings, his thoughts, everything that had gone through his mind, but the truth was that Steven didn't know half those things, and didn't understand the other half. He didn't even know why he was there, and it was certain that the Spaniard wouldn't forgive him with just saying "I want to fix things".
He sat inside his car, holding his head with both of his hands, thinking and making up a speech to convince Xabi that he really wasn't the asshole he'd been on those few days they'd gotten to know each other. After a while, he decided that he'd never come up with something he'd be entirely happy with, and forced himself out of the car and up to Xabi's doorstep.
With trembling fingers, he rang the doorbell and waited.
A woman that looked around her forties opened the door, apron tied around her waist and hair picked up in a messy bun. Steven saw that she had the same colour of eyes Xabi did.
"Hello," she said in a gentle and yet questioning voice.
"Hey, um... is Xabi here?"
The woman smiled and shook his head. "No, he isn't. He had a football match today and won't be home before lunch."
"Oh."
"Do you want me to let him know you were here? What's your name? Maybe he can call you when he comes back."
"Er, no, no, that's alright," Steven said, widely avoiding the question of his name. "I'll, um... come back later. Thanks."
"As you wish. Goodbye."
The woman closed the door and Steven slowly made his way back to his car, turned on the engine, and drove back home. He hadn't really considered the chance of Xabi not being home; it was a Saturday morning, after all, and Steven had figured that in the worst of cases, Xabi would've been sleeping after going out the previous night.
On the bright side, Steven thought, this gave him more time to actually think of the perfect words, and maybe even buy something to make the right impression on Xabi.
So he spent his entire afternoon locked up in his bedroom, writing down and crossing out words and phrases, mixing both things that were in his mind and things he'd caught in movies or those stupid poetry books he'd had to read for his Literature class the last semester.
Nothing he came up with seemed to be enough, but the final result was miles ahead of the cluttered mind he'd showed up with at Xabi's house that morning.
He decided he'd go back the following day. By the time he'd finished his little speech, it was already dinner time and Steven didn't want to be rude or intruding. Besides, it was less likely for Xabi to have plans on a Sunday; he'd probably be at his place studying or spending time with his family or something.
And when Sunday arrived, Steven left his house after having lunch. He took his car, though he drove a lot slower to have more time to go over his speech. He also took a detour on his way there to buy a single red rose in a little flower shop he knew a few blocks away from Xabi's place.
He didn't know if Xabi liked flowers. Maybe he'd think the gesture was cheesy, but maybe maybe it'd be the final touch to push Xabi into forgiving him, so Steven had to stay hopeful.
Rose in his hand and words in his head, he rang the doorbell again. This time, his legs weren't shaking as much as they had the previous day, and he was feeling more confident about the results he'd get.
"Hello again," Xabi's mother greeted him as she opened the door.
"Hello," he said politely, clutching the rose tighter in his hand. "I--"
"I assume you're here for Xabi again?" she asked, and her eyes slowly travelled down to the single flower hanging by Steven's side. A smile crept up her lips.
"Y-Yes, I am," Steven said with a blush, noticing where the woman's eyes were now at.
"Well, I'm afraid he's not here." She answered meeting his gaze again, and Steven felt his heart drop. "He's off with his father, I don't think they'll be returning to soon."
Steven sighed. "Oh. Okay, then."
"Do you want me to give that to him?" she asked, gesturing to the rose. "Before it dries?"
Steven mutely nodded, feeling his cheeks burning with embarrassment, and he handed the lady the rose before turning around and silently making his way back to the car. Once inside he let his head drop over the wheel as he clutched at it tightly, trying to hold himself together.
"Fuck!" he cursed out. He felt the tears at his eyes and furiously wiped them out.
He couldn't believe his luck, what were the chances of Xabi not being there the two times he'd showed up? But maybe... Steven's blurry gaze turned sharply back to the house, where the door was closed again and there was no apparent movement. He looked up to the windows in the second floor, in hopes of seeing a shadow walk by, but there was nothing.
"Yer bein' a complete lunatic," he told himself.
The car wasn't even there, and besides, why would Xabi lie to him? He had nothing to hide from Steven, anyway, and even if he could hate him with all his heart, he wouldn't do something as stupid as asking his mom to lie for him.
Steven waited until he was a bit calmer to drive back to his house. He ignored his mother's questions at his dishevelled appearance and locked himelf in his room again.
He felt ridiculous, laying over his bed doing nothing other than thinking about a guy who had no interest in being with him. How pathetic was he? Buying roses and coming up with speeches to beg him for forgiveness. And then what? What would happen if Xabi happened to let everything go? A third date? Steven hadn't even thought that far, though the idea of taking Xabi out sounded good enough. There were still a lot of things he wanted to find out about him, what he liked, what football teams he supported, if he kissed on the third date.
Fuck. Steven ran a hand through his hair and repeated to himself how pathetic he was. For a split second, he doubted ever returning to Xabi's house, but he knew it was pointless. It was obvious that Xabi's mom would give him the flower, he'd ask who was it from, and she'd probably describe Steven for him. He was sure there weren't many other English men who would show up twice at his place looking nervous and at the edge of breaking down.
Yes, Xabi would know it'd been him. Steven pulled his phone out of his pocket and stared at the screen for around 15 minutes until he gathered up enough courage to type what was in his mind.
I keep missing you, he wrote, and only after he'd sent it he realized that Xabi could read it and understand it on a different way Steven had intended. None of those meanings was a lie, though.
But in any case, it didn't matter, for Steven spent all night staring at his phone and waiting for a reply that never arrived.
Andrea didn't talk to him that day at school, and Steven didn't know if he was grateful for that or not. He didn't know if she was avoiding him because of how distant he'd been at the date, or if Xabi had mentioned something to her about his visits. Either way, it was the same to him.
His mind was in a completely different place through all the day, and when he finally returned to his house, he couldn't really remember any of the things he'd seen at any of his classes.
And if things weren't bad enough, he was sat down by his concerned mother, who worriedly asked him what was going on with him and what was keeping him in such a mood.
"It's nothing, ma, I'm fine," he said, but his voice didn't even convince himself.
"Steven, you've spent the weekend locked up in your bedroom, and have only left once each day for short periods of time. What have you been buying Steven? Look at yourself, you're tired, it doesn't seem like you've been getting much sleep, and your mood has been foul since Friday."
With that point of view, Steven had to admit it didn't look too good. But the fact that his mother has thought he was buying drugs was what put the first smile on his face that day.
"What are you laughing at?" she demanded.
"Ma, I'm not havin' drugs. I'd never do that, me, yer know that!" He said, still grinning. "I promise, it's nothin' like that."
"Then what?" she insisted, now calmer. "Girl problems?"
"Somethin' like that, yeah," Steven admitted.
"Well, what is it?"
"It's just... there's this guy I really like. His name's Xabi, and... well, I really fucked up and I don't know if he'll forgive me," he said. "I... I've been goin' to his house and everythin', but he's never there, and I don't even know if that's a good thing or not, 'cause I'm not even sure what I'll say to him, yer know?"
Steven's mother smiled and held his hand. "Look, son, the best thing you can do is be honest with him. Just tell him how you feel, what you think, and if he doesn't forgive you, then that's no longer a problem you can fix."
"I'm just... so confused," Steven said, shaking his head. "I don't even know what is it that I feel, I just know that... well, that I've never liked someone so much, and I've only dated him twice! And... I just can't stop thinkin' about him."
"Well, then that's exactly what you should tell him."
Steven left for Xabi's house that day minutes after his talk with his mother. He'd forgotten about his speech, but it really didn't matter anymore. His talk with his mom had injected a new flow of hope inside him, and he was planning on saying whatever came to his mind. If Xabi didn't take him back... well, like his mother had said, it was no longer something that was in his hands.
He ran the doorbell for the third time in three days, and was again received by Xabi's mom.
"Please tell me he's home," he said, even before she could greet him.
"You just show up in the worst ocassions," she said, and Steven felt like killing himself right there and then. "He's off studying with his friends, but..." she checked her watch, "I told him to be home before 7, so he shouldn't be long."
Steve sighed. All the hope and confidence he'd gathered up were now crumbling again. "Fine, I'll... drive by later, then."
"Oh, no, please come in," Xabi's mom offered. "I'd feel awful if I had to send you back a third time. And like I said, Xabi won't be long. You can wait for him here."
Steven agreed and followed her inside, knowing that at least this time he was going to meet Xabi. What was going to come out of it, though, he didn't know.
Xabi's mother invited him into the kitchen, where she was cooking dinner for her family. Steven simply leant against one of the chairs at first, looking at her doing her job, but soon he was being asked to look for things in the cupboards for her, and before he could tell, he was helping her cook the meal.
"You know, Xabi really appreciate the rose the other day," she mentioned. Steven pretended to be busy chopping up some carrots and didn't answer. "Your name is Steven, isn't it?"
He finally looked up. "Yeah."
"He talked about you a lot," she went on, "I think he really likes you."
"I think he really hates me," Steven mumbled, going back to the carrots.
"Oh, that's nonsense! Only a blind man would fail to see how much he likes you," she said. "He instantly knew it was you when I gave him that rose, and the smile on his face! I think--"
Her words were interrupted at the sound of the front door being closed, and then a voice from the hall was heard growing louder and nearer.
"Má, ya llegué." Steven froze. Even if he didn't understand the words, he could recognize it as Xabi's voice. "Estoy un poco tarde porque tuve que pasar por lo de..."
He stopped in his tracks as he reached the kitchen and was greeted by the sight of his mother and Steven cooking together. His entire face flushed.
"Hey, darling. Your friend Steven here was helping me prepare dinner."
Steven hesitantly waved his hand at Xabi, who returned the gesture just as doubtful. Steven saw him look at his mother for a few seconds, before their gazes connected again.
"Um, Steven... do you want to come to my room?"
Steven nodded quietly and washed his hands, then was led by the Spaniard up to the second floor and to the right. All the time, his stomach kept turning and twisting nervously, while his mind still didn't seem to comprehend that the moment was finally here, and he couldn't remember not one single word of what he wanted to say.
Xabi's room was neat and tidy, yet still cozy. His bed was against the further wall to give space to his desk, and a table with a TV and some CD's. The walls were covered in posters of Liverpool and Spain's National Team, and a few music bands here and there.
"You can sit if you want," Xabi offered as he sat down at the edge of his bed. Steven, who until then had remained standing at the door, walked over to him and took place at his side. "So... what is it?"
"I..." Steven took a deep breath and let it out again, trying to calm himself. "I've been thinkin' a lot about the right words to say this, and... I'm just goin' to say it because I think yer deserve an explanation for what happened."
"I don't need an explanation, Steven," Xabi said coldly. "I know very well what happened. I know you like Andrea, so you should just man up and ask her out."
Steven sighed. If Xabi really liked him as his mother had said, he certainly wasn't showing it at all. "I... I went out with Andrea on Friday," he said, and felt Xabi's eyes turn sharply to him in a sign that he hadn't been aware of that date. "It didn't go well. At all."
"So you're here now?" Xabi asked, raising his eyebrows. "It didn't work out with her, so I'm your last option?"
"No, it's nothin' like that! Look, it didn't go right with her because, well, I just couldn't stop thinkin' about yer... I haven't stopped thinkin' in what happened since that night, and you've just been... roundin' me head for the past weeks."
"See, if that were true, you would've tried to explain things a whole lot earlier. And you wouldn't have taken Andrea out."
Steven sighed again. "A whole lot earlier I didn't even know what was goin' through me heart and through me mind. Hell, I don't even know it still. I just... I really like yer, Xabi. Seriously."
Xabi stared at him with an unbreakable expression, his eyes flying all over the room to prevent himself from meeting Steven's stare. He finally spoke again.
"Steven, if there's anything that you feel, then that's guilt," he said. "So just apologize, I'll forgive you, and you can leave and go ask Andrea out again."
"Xabi, I don't feel guilty! I mean, I do, yeah, for what I did to yer, but that's not why I'm here. I told yer already, yer do things to me that nobody else has."
"We've only been on two dates and you're saying that?"
Steven ran a hand through his hair desperately. "Xabi, yer can't say yer didn't feel the connection we had. I know yer did, and... I just want yer to please forget what I did to yer and let me take yer out again."
Xabi's face softened, but he simply shook his head. "Stop fooling yourself. You're not gay, Steven."
"Yer right, I'm not," he said. Xabi's eyebrows went up again. "I'm not gay 'cause I don't fancy any other guys, Xabi. But you... yer a completely different thing."
Xabi narrowed his eyes at him. "You're saying I'm not a guy?"
"No! No, I'm sayin'... other lads don't have this effect on me."
"I think that liking only one guy still makes you gay, though," Xabi said, and the smile that appeared on his lips made Steven's face break into a grin.
"It does, doesn't it?"
Xabi looked down without saying anything else, and they sat in silence for the next minutes, both of them going over the conversation they'd just had. Steven wasn't sure if Xabi's smile had meant he was forgiven, but there was a certain easeness inside him for at least getting it over with. He'd said what he'd wanted to say, and Xabi would consider if he'd trust in him again or not.
It was only after some minutes when the Spaniard spoke again.
"Does Andrea know?"
Steven was a bit taken aback with the question. "About what?"
"About... you being here."
"Oh," Steven looked down again. "No, she doesn't. She doesn't know I didn't like her anymore when we went out, either."
"You should tell her."
Steven nodded his head quietly. He knew Xabi was right, Andrea deserved an explanation just like Xabi had, but he wasn't sure he wanted to talk to her. It sounded selfish inside his mind, but he'd done all this effort for Xabi because he cared about him, and Andrea...
"I can talk to her if I want," Xabi interrupted his thoughts. "If you don't..."
"No, that's fine. I'll do it, I don't want to be a coward."
Xabi smiled at this and nodded his head. "Okay, then."
Steven used Xabi's silence to gather up the courage he needed to ask the next question.
"So... yer think I could take yer out tonight?"
"I've got school tomorrow," Xabi answered, but the tone in his voice indicated that he wanted the date just as much as Steven did, and that gave him the confidence he needed to insist.
"It'll only be a little while, yeah? Maybe I can take yer out for dinner?"
"Oh, but I wouldn't want to miss your brilliant performance in my kitchen," Xabi said playfully. "Maybe you could stay over for dinner with us?"
Steven's eyes widened. "Er, Xabi, I..."
"Yes, I know. Too soon, no?"
"Yeah, a little."
They fell silent again, but it was a comfortable silence, and Steven couldn't deny he'd never felt so at ease with anyone like he did now. And by the looks of Xabi's smile on his face, neither had the Spaniard.
"I should go home. Me mom will be waitin' for some updates or somethin'."
Xabi laughed. "Alright."
He walked Steven to the door and to his car, standing next to him with a smile as Steven turned around to say his goodbyes. As their eyes met, something went through both their minds at the same time, and before they knew it, Steven had leant in and had pressed his lips against Xabi's in the shortest yet most meaningful kiss.
Xabi smiled a bit shyly. "Was that weird?" he asked, and to his relief, Steven shook his head.
"Not at all."
"Good."
And with that, Xabi placed his hand in the back of Steven's neck and pulled him down for another kiss that let them both breathless and with their lips swollen as they pulled back. Steven felt his stomach turning inside him and blushed a little at the feeling, leaning closer to Xabi to hide it.
"You're still up for tonight?" the Spaniard asked him.
"Yer bet. I'll pick yer up after dinner, yeah?"
Xabi agreed and they parted with another kiss, and Steven got into his car with a bright smile that was still on his face as he reached his house. Looking back on it, he didn't regret any of the things he'd done, because it'd been all of those little actions what had gotten him together with Xabi in the end, and there was no point in denying that this was as happy and as complete as he'd ever felt.