Mar 25, 2008 19:42
I have friends who are in jail.
I have friends who are in emotional pain.
I have friends who are in physical pain.
The world is beautiful, and yet tragic.
I fear for the children I will leave behind.
It doesn't seem to get very bright lately.
So, why the fuck can I not stop feeling good or having a good time?
I do not get this. Few things bother me lately, and the ones that do, I have an answer for. Or at least a reasoning that makes sense.
I do not have a significant other.
I do not have a job that will advance my career of choice.
I do not have the ability to take classes to start over till fall.
I do not have the stability to drive a car, still.
I do not have the financial soundness I once had.
Again, I wrote that with a smile on my face. And no, I am not drunk. Or high.
Would I like all those things? Who wouldn't? Do I expect them? Maybe I do, and maybe that's the overlying problem. I need to go out and take them. I was telling Rustin this very thing. I used to be able to just do something. Wanna go out of town? Yep, lemme get a jacket. Had a crush on a girl friend for a while? Ask her to dinner, see what happens. What's the worst you could say? No? Can't tonight, car's not running? Have other plans?...Ok, that's cool. At least it was worth the shot, and I have an answer, and my brain is fine with that.
It's when I don't ask the question...that's what hurts. If I don't act, I will never know. For better or for worse, at least I will know. Selfish thinking, don't get me wrong, but still..peace of mind is healthier for everyone.
But, in the end, that's all past. I've gotten back to asking the question. I have put past feeling aside for some people on the grounds that time has passed by, and I missed the chance, however small, to act. And you know what?
It feels pretty good to be direct.
(Yes, I know I spoke in vagueness, but I must protect the identities of those who were the inspiration behind this whiny rant. It is my duty....I think.)
Onward, to victory! Or better yet, to hot tea!