Hold your breathe, cause it's prettier that way.
I'm forced to hold my breathe about what I think, lest I risk burning all material bridges. I can't point out how much of a hypocrite you are, how illogical, irrational, selfish and whatever else you are because I still think that the benefit I recieve now, in exchange for my self respect, might cost more than denying my dignity. For with a lie, a person denies their dignity as a person. I am motiveated by fear. I fear that I can be abandoned even more than I am now. That I can be disgraced even more than I am now, and abused even more than I am now. And I also fear being even more misunderstood than I am now. Anything out of line, that would expose the truth, may breed a considereable amount of conflict since it questions the root of my oppression. I cannot deny my situation. unless in doing so, I disrespect myself as a person. But I can no longer stand the idea that they "still love you", even though they hurt you. Because anyone could claim that they loved you. But what does that say? It doesn't say anyhting. In the bible Christ himself said What good is it to say to a person who is hungry and naked "Go forth and be satisfied and clothed"? and do nothing about it? The world is very cold, and it seems the biggest motivator for action is fear, because the world is tainted with domination and lust. Women don't usually feel comfortable walking around alone, because they are often harassed, because why? THey arent respected? They are incomplete when they arent with a man? They're labelled weird if they don't have a boyfriend or are married, then called a whore for merely associating with a man in some cultures. I keep asking why? and it seems I can't stop. I need to justify everything in the world. I need to justify why it is that I shouldn't go out, I need to justify why I should watch kids, I need to justify why I need to clean a house, that I didn't buy, I didn't agree to clean or decide what happens to it or how much I could get out of it. But I can't say that right? Because the people who are in charge of that "have my best interest in mind." and they provide for me, so it's the "least I could do" dispite the fact that I have no choice in weather they provide for me or not, because as a youth and as a female I am oppressed by the society I live in in that I can not make a living wage, morally, essentially, on top of which I do not have experience to join the work force much more than I already am and do not have the time, since my time is promised to another institution, who I should also be loyal to because they're the bread-giver, dipoloma-giver, who also oppressed me in so many ways. THey have huge displays of mockery in their religion classes, they preach that everyone should love eachother, and they hint subtly that no one who goes to the institution has the right t complain about their relationships because of the one fact that someone was "altruistic and kind" enough to send them to school. This objectively sound like belittling that fact that people do in fact do this, but the sick mockery is that they preach that really loving someone is not just giving them physical things, but a deeper love. A deeper love that is very rare, and certainly not given by all, not nearly all. We are taught to reach out and actively care for people, when individuals in out own community lay bleeding emotionally. So, does phyisical help the only help that counts because its the only kind that can be flaunted? Or are people really serious and believe what they teach, that emotional help and "spiritual" help is really the greatest need of the afflicted? I wish someone cared, but everyone washed their hands of me. Everyone has abandoned me, and perhaps I am recieving the karma I unleashed into the world when I mocked others that have said the same thing. But the story of when Jesus asks Peter three times weather he truely loves him, and when Jesus says so many other times that actions are truer than words, and if you really loved someone you would do someothing, and the Popes whole idea about the relationship between faith and works. Maybe this is the price I pay for being Christian, to endure in a little way what Jesus did. Abandonment by his best friends, betrayal, denial, "Why have you forsaken me" mockery is probably to come, a feeling of utter aloneness. But I can;'t say that right? Because that means theres something wrong with me, and it nees to be denlt with cause its a threat.