Misunderstood.

[one_some_one]

I'm lame. According to dominant ideology I would be considered lame. I never go out on the weekends. Save a few parties, sometimes. I felt left out when Julie, Sam, Lisa and Alex were all talking about going to the "Royal Ball". I didn't try out for rose court because my parents have been so busy and have been so angry whenever I ask anything of them that I didn't ask to be driven there. Also because I couldn't really be in the competition because of where I live, and I think its bias that they only chose people from certain ares of the county. I'm never asked to go anywhere with anyone. Then I hear about other people being SO upset because they didn't go somewhere one weekend, and because of that they are sooo lame. I really basically never get asked to go out. Kyle saw Lisa as we passed down the hall and asked her if she was going to the Ball, I assume because he's always liked her, but asked if "you guys" reffering to me and Lisa were going so as not to "leave me out" apparently. Thats one of the worst, bleh. This happened before when he said that he would miss "us guys" when we left. He meant Lisa, and it seems tried to leave asap, and didn't invite me to hang out, even though he was saying that he was that that "we all" couldn't. Sometiems I just wonder whats wrong with me? Then I think, its something wrong with society. I don't really belive in going out and wasting money on stupid movies, and the mall, and other retail items. Its a wste of money that could be so much more beneficial to other members of society, more efficiently used, or better used rather, such as investment, than to go waste it on comsumerism. How much does going to see a movie really allow people to get to know eachother better? Maybe I shouldn't judge soemthign I don't even really know about. I wish people just liked me for who I was and respected my choices. I feel really lame and undesirable, and it sucks that I hear an echo in my head that is mocking me and telling me how lame I sound, but its the truth. I feel like my parents have contributed so much to this. They never let me go out basically, but then again, they're going through crap financial situations as far as I know, and supposedly have spent more on me than they can already afford. But it seems like such bull. I don't think they understand the cycle. I plan to go someone, I propose the idea to them(ask for permission), they freak out and tell me what a horrible person I am for even asking, I get depressed, they get more angry, I end up not going, I end up offending people who asked me to go, this couses strain on school relationships, I don't get asked as much, when I am asked I don't even try because I know the reaction my parents will have that make me feel suicidal, I end up going even less, my parents get mad at me for not having friends, I don't have friends cause I'm the lame ass that never goes anywhere with anyone, who is also the victim of their parents greed. I'm so bitchified. I hate this. I can't bring myself to ask for the things I really need, and whos to say that I don't need friendship? My life is horrible without commuication. The fact that Monique barely talked to me today is super depressing because shes basically my only friend at La Salle, true friend, and then she acts that way. And why over the summer didn't she come over? I asked her to come and she doesn't answar my call. Does she think I'm weird. I cant talk to my mom about anythign cause shes an emotional cannibal who ruins everything and sticks her nose where it shouldn't be, and projects on me. I feel so alone, and it feels like its my fault. Then I get mad at people for apperantly not liking me enough to ask me to hang out. Then what could I change about myself to be like this? Then I get angry that I would have to change yself. It's a Friday night and I'm at home. Sitting writing this. I feel lame. What is it that keeps me from doing "cool" things? And I'm goign to be 18 soon, supposedly an adult, and I have no socially life essentiallly. I feel like I don't have controll over my life. I feel pounded in the ass. I feel liek I'm trapped in my house, like I'm held prisoner. I have no liscence, limited money, and no friends. Monica doesn't like me anymore, I'm too lame, I don't know if Paula even likes me anymore. Leanne doesnt even seem to like me anymore, she didnt seem like she liked the movie proposal too much. Sean didn't even adknowledge me today. I'm tired of people haning out just to not be alone or whatever. Just cause thats what they settle for. People complain so much and don't see how much better off they are than other peoiple n certain respects. I feel regretful about my realtionship with Dan. I wonder if it can be mended and I wonder if it should. Maybe its my fault cause I don';t liek anyone. I'm utterly alone. Fuck you all if I'm different. I'm a damn hypocrite and I hate that part of myself. I think the ideas I have are so cool, but I don't really understand or consider what they really mean. I feel so inadaquate(yeah you fucking weakling, say it). Why don't I fucking talk? You think you're so damn secure so whats your problem. YOu'll be fucking alone. Damn. Why freaking live?(Listen to your fucking emo ass) I just hurt all over. Then tomarrow

no one. Where is God? Fuck you you stupid ass since when did you help someone else? You think youre the exception? I fucking hate you. You damn ass, you're just like everyone else. A fucking self indulgent dumbfuck. Like everyone else.