Dreams I had, dreams that were bad.
So, last night I had a series of dreams all of past things, and things that happened some years ago. Mostly all dreams I have had before, some varied a bit, mostly it was a difference in setting, but the biggest thing is that I have not had a dream such as this, or a series, such as these for the longest time now. I think thats what hurts the most.
In one part, one of the parts that I most clearly remember, Matt choked me. In my dream I was fighting him every inch of the way and kick and stomping on the floor, but there was no noise. I kept trying to grab at his arms and his hands to get them off me, but it was as if he was invisible, my hands went right through him, though his figure was still very much real to me. I cried in my dreams, I cried a lot, but everytime I went to wipe my own tears there was nothing there. This all, in my dream, made me feel worthless, invisible, and helpless. There was nothing that I could do. It was as if I was in a padded room, and then stuck on a deserted island, and no one was there, no one around, no one to hear or help me.
Significant events from a rut in my life ( a true rut I almost sunk into due to delaing with years of bull shit, as SG put it), a point in which I will never experience again, or people I will never see again. I have here and there bumped into him, and the damage he has already done to me instills this forever fear that I have of him. He accomplished his goal, a successful piece of shit he definitely was.
I was never a victim of anything, I survived that shit. It was an everyday part of my life. For the rest of his life he shall be the victim.
I was doing really good for, well, what feels like ever. A good friend of mine told me that once he does not exist to me mentally, he will no longer exist period, pretty much... He was absent from my mind for so long, and then BOOM! Last night happened, and you saw a part of my weakness, you saw another side of me, and saw me completely break down. That too was a part of my everyday life years ago.
There is nothing more that I think I can say here right now, my brain feels like a giant string of T.V. static, and I cannot straighten it out.
Now I will start over day by day, erasing him more and more from my mind as an addict probably does with their addiction. Just as they do I will take it one day at a time, and one foot in front of the other. There actually was a point before I moved here that I referred to having a great day mentally, and being overly happy as having clean thoughts. Odd, eh?
I guess this just goes to show you all that I am just as much a nut case as anyone else out there living day to day on this measly planet we call Earth.
Thanks for reading.
In one part, one of the parts that I most clearly remember, Matt choked me. In my dream I was fighting him every inch of the way and kick and stomping on the floor, but there was no noise. I kept trying to grab at his arms and his hands to get them off me, but it was as if he was invisible, my hands went right through him, though his figure was still very much real to me. I cried in my dreams, I cried a lot, but everytime I went to wipe my own tears there was nothing there. This all, in my dream, made me feel worthless, invisible, and helpless. There was nothing that I could do. It was as if I was in a padded room, and then stuck on a deserted island, and no one was there, no one around, no one to hear or help me.
Significant events from a rut in my life ( a true rut I almost sunk into due to delaing with years of bull shit, as SG put it), a point in which I will never experience again, or people I will never see again. I have here and there bumped into him, and the damage he has already done to me instills this forever fear that I have of him. He accomplished his goal, a successful piece of shit he definitely was.
I was never a victim of anything, I survived that shit. It was an everyday part of my life. For the rest of his life he shall be the victim.
I was doing really good for, well, what feels like ever. A good friend of mine told me that once he does not exist to me mentally, he will no longer exist period, pretty much... He was absent from my mind for so long, and then BOOM! Last night happened, and you saw a part of my weakness, you saw another side of me, and saw me completely break down. That too was a part of my everyday life years ago.
There is nothing more that I think I can say here right now, my brain feels like a giant string of T.V. static, and I cannot straighten it out.
Now I will start over day by day, erasing him more and more from my mind as an addict probably does with their addiction. Just as they do I will take it one day at a time, and one foot in front of the other. There actually was a point before I moved here that I referred to having a great day mentally, and being overly happy as having clean thoughts. Odd, eh?
I guess this just goes to show you all that I am just as much a nut case as anyone else out there living day to day on this measly planet we call Earth.
Thanks for reading.