I felt him shake and come behind me, his body tightening and I felt him shudder, his face in my hair while he rocked slowly inside me. I licked my lips and ended falling face first onto the bed, closing my eyes and feeling spent, every part of my body tingling in pleasure as I started to finally come down from my high.
"Come 'ere."
A small smile crossed my lips and I felt him pull me to him, his arms wrapping around my waist and his nose buried in my neck. "I missed you." I whispered, closing my eyes and feeling his fingers lazily run over my body.
I missed Lindsey - I'd never tell Spike that - but I knew that I wasn't enough for him, he wanted Angelus and I couldn't handle that. Everything about him always ended at Angelus. At least with Spike I knew where I stood, I loved him and he loved me. I was everything to him and I knew that I was slowly starting to feel the same. I loved Spike with my whole heart, but I also loved Lindsey.
Just once, soul or no soul, I'd like to not be confused for a change. I just want a clear path.
"Let's leave here." I spoke finally, biting my lip and looking over my shoulder. "Let's go somewhere and start new. Please."
It wasn’t going to be long before I fell asleep, I thought as I held my girl tight and let my eyes close. It felt so good to be back here, just me and my wicked girl falling asleep after a night of hunting and shagging…well, just shagging this time, but it wouldn’t be long before we were out in the killing fields again.
"Let's leave here. Let's go somewhere and start new. Please."
Opening my eyes, I brushed her hair away from her neck and kissed her warm skin.
“All right,” I agreed. “And where would my princess like to go?” I asked, running my fingers over the soft skin of her belly. “Good old Sunny D? Relive the early days of our romance, yeah?” I made it sound like a joke, but truth be told I couldn’t think of anything more fun. My mind started to run through all the possible ways that we could do it and I grinned against her neck.
“We’ll find that tree,” I whispered. “Maybe see if the Summer’s house is still standing. Break in, kill whoever’s living there and then I’ll take you upstairs and make love to you in that room.”
I kissed her neck and ran my tongue over the mark I’d given her so many years ago and whispered;
“All right...And where would my princess like to go? Good old Sunny D? Relive the early days of our romance, yeah?”
A small smile quirked my lips and I nodded, thinking that it was a good idea to maybe go back. Everyone we knew was long gone and it would be like going back with a fresh start, but we'd know the place better than anyone else.
“We’ll find that tree...Maybe see if the Summer’s house is still standing. Break in, kill whoever’s living there and then I’ll take you upstairs and make love to you in that room.”
I bared my neck to him and moaned softly feeling his lips against my skin, his tongue running over the sire bite he'd given me. Raping and ripping me of my heartbeat and starting a spiral that landed us here. God, everything inside me burned when I thought about all those years being tormented, running and hiding from the soul that lived inside me. Falling for Lindsey and just being so torn.
“Just like the first time.”
A cruel smirk crossed my lips and I looked at him. "Yeah, heaven knows we wouldn't want it like any other night we had. Those always ended up in fights and you would end up drunk and I'd end up in tears." Low blow, I know. "Guess the making up was fun..."
"Yeah, heaven knows we wouldn't want it like any other night we had. Those always ended up in fights and you would end up drunk and I'd end up in tears."
She was being cruel on purpose, the bitch. Why the hell had she even come back? I’d spent six years waiting, and maybe that’s why I was so eager to let her back in, into my bed, into my heart, but I suppose I’d been too blind to realise that I was just the backup option now. Maybe she’d stay a while, bide her time until Lindsey got tired of Angelus again and wrote her another fucking letter.
Well he could do what he liked, so could she. I didn’t give a toss anymore…I’d had enough.
"Guess the making up was fun..."
“Yeah, sure you can have just as much fun doing that with Lindsey, though,” I said, reluctantly pulling away from her and getting up off the bed and looking down at her sadly. I wanted to get right back down on that bed but I didn’t, it made me sad to do it but I had to, I was sick of being made into a weak twat by women that thought they were god’s sodding gift.
“Can’t say I’m glad you came, really, turned out different than I’d hoped….but it was nice seeing you.” With that I walked into the bathroom, “Be gone when I get out, yeah?” and locked the door. It was Tara’s trick, she was forever locking herself away in the bathroom but I didn’t have much choice seeing as it was still bloody daylight.
“Yeah, sure you can have just as much fun doing that with Lindsey, though,”
Ok, what the fuck? I didn't mention Lindsey and I had no intentions of mentioning him. Why the fuck did Spike have such damn selective memory? Seriously. He only remembered fucking me when I was human against that tree and making me ache. He didn't remember the heartache he caused me by fucking some random whore in his bed, leaving me to find her panties.
“Can’t say I’m glad you came, really, turned out different than I’d hoped….but it was nice seeing you. Be gone when I get out, yeah?”
I blinked at him through the closed door, trying to figure out what the fuck his trauma was. I was starting to realize it and I huffed, getting out of the bed and walking to the bathroom. I twisted the knob with little effort and made my way inside. "Kinda hard seeing as it's daylight. I don't feel like getting burnt today, maybe tomorrow."
Crossing my arms I shook my head and looked at him as he scowled in the corner like some whipped bitch. "I don't know why you decided to get a major case of PMS tonight lover." I was starting to get it and I looked at him. "I'm not that girl anymore Spike."
He didn't move and I hopped up onto the counter, keeping the door blocked with my foot. "You treat me like I am, you treat me like this wicked little creature that you created yet you expect me to be sweet and pliant like I was when I was human. It's been nearly a century since I had a heartbeat Spike, little less than that since I had a soul."
Still he didn't move and I shook my head, hopping off the counter and looking back at him. "You still want that girl and I'm not her. You killed her." Running my fingers through my hair I shook my head. "I'm gonna go get my shit and leave." I turned and headed towards the living room, looking for clothes.
Of course she barged her way into the fucking bathroom, shooting off at the mouth and not understanding even a little of what this was about. She had no idea what I wanted, I finally realized that. Sweet and pliant? Far fucking from it, all I wanted from her was a bit of sodding devotion, was that so hard? I’d given it to her. Yeah I’d made mistakes from time to time, but I didn’t go running back to Dru as soon as things got a little rough.
I’d never stopped loving her, and the problem was she’d never loved me. She’d said it, yeah, but she didn’t know what the fucking word meant.
"I'm gonna go get my shit and leave."
“Good,” I said without turning towards her. I knew if I did I’d beg her to stay, even now I felt that sinking, lonely feeling invading my insides. I couldn’t do it though, loving her was too fucking hard. Even harder than her not being around.
"Bastard." I spat, storming off and throwing things around, as anger and hurt and...god I hated this. Why the fuck did I come back? I don't get it, I must be a friggen glutton for punishment.
I ran my hand across my face and realized I was crying, I hated that. I hadn't felt this much emotion since I lost my soul and I couldn't stand it, it was too much and too raw for me to handle now.
Slamming my fist through the wall I could still feel the sun out, leaving me trapped like a caged animal. I slipped on a skirt that must have been from some random whore he brought home when he said he missed me. Fucking lies.
I pulled on a shirt and looked down, growling and starting to feel my hands shake as I pulled out the nipple ring he'd given me after he turned me. For so long, so many years, I always thought of it like some sort of wedding ring, like we were each other's in a way. Fucking joke that was.
Storming back into the bathroom I looked up at him, he still wouldn't meet my eyes till I turned his face to me. "Maybe we're too much alike to work. Maybe...maybe you should have let me go off that night. Maybe then neither of us would feel of this. I wouldn't feel like every good thing we had died when I did."
The tears ran down my face and I didn't know how many 'I love you's' I could say to make him realize that I did love him. Yes, I did love Lindsey as well but there were different things. Spike's the first man I've ever loved, the man that took me heart, body and soul. Even half a world away I'd always be his.
With shaking hands I took his hand in mine and placed the tiny gold ring in his palm, knowing that I should move, that I need to move, but I didn't find myself moving at all.
She was crying as if this was hard for her. Yeah, I’m sure it was just as hard as the time she ran off in the middle of the night six years ago to go and be with that tosspot and my Grandsire.
"He beat me, he ignored me and you left me. Nobody wants me, they never did...So much some days I felt like I'd just die."
I was worried about what would happen if she went back to them, would Angelus accept it? Or would he be pissed off that he hadn’t actually gotten rid of her after all and decide to get rid of her for good. She was strong and she could hold her own, especially with the magick n’whatnot but still, he was older and when he wanted something, or didn’t want something as the case may be, he’d find a way to make it work in his favour.
I looked down at the little gold ring in my palm and held it out for her.
“Can’t do this, it’s too hard never knowing if you’re going to skip off again and leave me al--,” I said, feeling tears start to prickle my eyes. Rage swelled up inside me, at her and at me for letting her get to me like this. Dru was right, everyone was; I was a soft, pussy-whipped twat and I couldn’t understand why I cared so much, I didn’t have a soul…didn’t have the capacity to care, apparently.
I walked towards her and cupped her face in my hands, rubbing my thumbs over her cheeks to get rid of her tears. Pretty when she cried, but not when she was sad like this, I hated this. I wonder if I’d ever see her again? I wondered if I wanted to…why couldn’t this just be the reunion that I wanted it to be? Why was I always bloody second best?
“But…if you’re going back to them, just be careful of Angelus. If he tries to hurt you - I don’t mean fun stuff, I mean for real - come back here and I’ll protect you. I can’t be with you, m’sorry, I want to, but… but like I’ve always told you, I’ll take care of you if need be. I know I don’t always do a good job of it, but…”
“Can’t do this, it’s too hard never knowing if you’re going to skip off again and leave me al--,”
"Alone." I finished for him, about ready to turn and leave when he finally moved towards me his hands covering my face. His hands felt so good against my skin, I wanted to just forget everything and just be us again. THen again we never had much of 'us' alone. There was always something going on that tore us apart, but we always found our glue...
“But…if you’re going back to them, just be careful of Angelus. If he tries to hurt you - I don’t mean fun stuff, I mean for real - come back here and I’ll protect you. I can’t be with you, m’sorry, I want to, but… but like I’ve always told you, I’ll take care of you if need be. I know I don’t always do a good job of it, but…”
I covered his hands with mine. "You do, god you do." I whispered hoarsely. "I just...I wish you'd see that you're who I want. I love you, I'm...I'm in love with you." I sighed and looked down, resting my head against his chest. "I love him, yes, that's...that's something I can't change. I'm sorry. He was there like you were when I needed him and...he's my childe and he'll always have a place inside me."
Swallowing I looked up at him, my eyes meeting his and hoping he'd look at me and actually see me and see inside like he always could. "But you are my heart. You've always been everything to me. I don't...my place isn't there. I w-want it here." I was pleading, I hated pleading but I loved him more than I hated pleading.
"You do, god you do. I just...I wish you'd see that you're who I want. I love you, I'm...I'm in love with you."
I wanted to tell her I loved her too, because I did, so bloody much but… She leaned against me and I let her. Bloody hell, I was caving, I always bloody gave in. But she was telling me what I wanted to hear. Sweet lies maybe, but maybe not…a bloke could hope, couldn’t he? "But you are my heart. You've always been everything to me. I don't...my place isn't there. I w-want it here
“You say I’m the one you want and maybe that’s true now, like it was 20 years ago, 30 years ago but then you’ll get tired of me and go to him again. I can’t bloody deal with that….” I had for decades though…
“I just…need to think about it,” I said, stroking her face. I wasn’t really sure what that meant, or what I wanted her to do but I knew I just couldn’t give her an answer right now…maybe it was too soon, she’d just turned up for god’s sake and she thought she instantly had a place back in my life. Okay, well yeah, she did, but that didn’t mean that she had to know it.
“You say I’m the one you want and maybe that’s true now, like it was 20 years ago, 30 years ago but then you’ll get tired of me and go to him again. I can’t bloody deal with that….”
"After all this time you can't see that you're what I always want? I might go off on these selfish snits I have and...but I always come back to you baby, always." My voice was low and the feel of him so close was driving me mad, making me realize just how much I missed him. I always missed him, I loved him. We just needed to get through this.
“I just…need to think about it...Okay, kitten?”
He called me kitten and that was enough for me. I smiled slightly and kissed his palms. "I ain't gettin' any older." I whispered quietly, leaning up and kissing him softly, my hand running over his chest before pulling back and lacing my fingers with his. "Come to bed, sleep..."
“No.” I waited until she turned back to me before I spoke again. “Calm down,” I said grinning slightly when I saw her expression. “I just mean I don’t want to sleep. Not here anyway. Not yet.”
“The sun’s almost down, I want to pack and I want to go. Somewhere brand new, no past hunting grounds. No Sunny dale. Somewhere new where you and me can get it right this time.” I opened my palm and held the nipple ring out to her again.
“No. Calm down, I just mean I don’t want to sleep. Not here anyway. Not yet. The sun’s almost down, I want to pack and I want to go. Somewhere brand new, no past hunting grounds. No Sunny dale. Somewhere new where you and me can get it right this time.”
"Yeah," I leaned up and kissed him softly, his fingers running gently over my skin. "Starting new might be good, we can make a new life and a fesh start." I loved that idea more than I could ever imagine. We never really had a chance to have a fresh start, we were always starting from somewhere in the middle.
“Put this back on, yeah?”
I grinned and wrapped it up in his palm, wrapping my arms around his waist. "Wait, wait till we get to our new home. We'll break in the place right." He grinned and I leaned up and kissed him softly. "Let's go."
"Come 'ere."
A small smile crossed my lips and I felt him pull me to him, his arms wrapping around my waist and his nose buried in my neck. "I missed you." I whispered, closing my eyes and feeling his fingers lazily run over my body.
I missed Lindsey - I'd never tell Spike that - but I knew that I wasn't enough for him, he wanted Angelus and I couldn't handle that. Everything about him always ended at Angelus. At least with Spike I knew where I stood, I loved him and he loved me. I was everything to him and I knew that I was slowly starting to feel the same. I loved Spike with my whole heart, but I also loved Lindsey.
Just once, soul or no soul, I'd like to not be confused for a change. I just want a clear path.
"Let's leave here." I spoke finally, biting my lip and looking over my shoulder. "Let's go somewhere and start new. Please."
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"Let's leave here. Let's go somewhere and start new. Please."
Opening my eyes, I brushed her hair away from her neck and kissed her warm skin.
“All right,” I agreed. “And where would my princess like to go?” I asked, running my fingers over the soft skin of her belly. “Good old Sunny D? Relive the early days of our romance, yeah?” I made it sound like a joke, but truth be told I couldn’t think of anything more fun. My mind started to run through all the possible ways that we could do it and I grinned against her neck.
“We’ll find that tree,” I whispered. “Maybe see if the Summer’s house is still standing. Break in, kill whoever’s living there and then I’ll take you upstairs and make love to you in that room.”
I kissed her neck and ran my tongue over the mark I’d given her so many years ago and whispered;
“Just like the first time.”
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A small smile quirked my lips and I nodded, thinking that it was a good idea to maybe go back. Everyone we knew was long gone and it would be like going back with a fresh start, but we'd know the place better than anyone else.
“We’ll find that tree...Maybe see if the Summer’s house is still standing. Break in, kill whoever’s living there and then I’ll take you upstairs and make love to you in that room.”
I bared my neck to him and moaned softly feeling his lips against my skin, his tongue running over the sire bite he'd given me. Raping and ripping me of my heartbeat and starting a spiral that landed us here. God, everything inside me burned when I thought about all those years being tormented, running and hiding from the soul that lived inside me. Falling for Lindsey and just being so torn.
“Just like the first time.”
A cruel smirk crossed my lips and I looked at him. "Yeah, heaven knows we wouldn't want it like any other night we had. Those always ended up in fights and you would end up drunk and I'd end up in tears." Low blow, I know. "Guess the making up was fun..."
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She was being cruel on purpose, the bitch. Why the hell had she even come back? I’d spent six years waiting, and maybe that’s why I was so eager to let her back in, into my bed, into my heart, but I suppose I’d been too blind to realise that I was just the backup option now. Maybe she’d stay a while, bide her time until Lindsey got tired of Angelus again and wrote her another fucking letter.
Well he could do what he liked, so could she. I didn’t give a toss anymore…I’d had enough.
"Guess the making up was fun..."
“Yeah, sure you can have just as much fun doing that with Lindsey, though,” I said, reluctantly pulling away from her and getting up off the bed and looking down at her sadly. I wanted to get right back down on that bed but I didn’t, it made me sad to do it but I had to, I was sick of being made into a weak twat by women that thought they were god’s sodding gift.
“Can’t say I’m glad you came, really, turned out different than I’d hoped….but it was nice seeing you.” With that I walked into the bathroom, “Be gone when I get out, yeah?” and locked the door. It was Tara’s trick, she was forever locking herself away in the bathroom but I didn’t have much choice seeing as it was still bloody daylight.
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Ok, what the fuck? I didn't mention Lindsey and I had no intentions of mentioning him. Why the fuck did Spike have such damn selective memory? Seriously. He only remembered fucking me when I was human against that tree and making me ache. He didn't remember the heartache he caused me by fucking some random whore in his bed, leaving me to find her panties.
“Can’t say I’m glad you came, really, turned out different than I’d hoped….but it was nice seeing you. Be gone when I get out, yeah?”
I blinked at him through the closed door, trying to figure out what the fuck his trauma was. I was starting to realize it and I huffed, getting out of the bed and walking to the bathroom. I twisted the knob with little effort and made my way inside. "Kinda hard seeing as it's daylight. I don't feel like getting burnt today, maybe tomorrow."
Crossing my arms I shook my head and looked at him as he scowled in the corner like some whipped bitch. "I don't know why you decided to get a major case of PMS tonight lover." I was starting to get it and I looked at him. "I'm not that girl anymore Spike."
He didn't move and I hopped up onto the counter, keeping the door blocked with my foot. "You treat me like I am, you treat me like this wicked little creature that you created yet you expect me to be sweet and pliant like I was when I was human. It's been nearly a century since I had a heartbeat Spike, little less than that since I had a soul."
Still he didn't move and I shook my head, hopping off the counter and looking back at him. "You still want that girl and I'm not her. You killed her." Running my fingers through my hair I shook my head. "I'm gonna go get my shit and leave." I turned and headed towards the living room, looking for clothes.
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I’d never stopped loving her, and the problem was she’d never loved me. She’d said it, yeah, but she didn’t know what the fucking word meant.
"I'm gonna go get my shit and leave."
“Good,” I said without turning towards her. I knew if I did I’d beg her to stay, even now I felt that sinking, lonely feeling invading my insides. I couldn’t do it though, loving her was too fucking hard. Even harder than her not being around.
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"Bastard." I spat, storming off and throwing things around, as anger and hurt and...god I hated this. Why the fuck did I come back? I don't get it, I must be a friggen glutton for punishment.
I ran my hand across my face and realized I was crying, I hated that. I hadn't felt this much emotion since I lost my soul and I couldn't stand it, it was too much and too raw for me to handle now.
Slamming my fist through the wall I could still feel the sun out, leaving me trapped like a caged animal. I slipped on a skirt that must have been from some random whore he brought home when he said he missed me. Fucking lies.
I pulled on a shirt and looked down, growling and starting to feel my hands shake as I pulled out the nipple ring he'd given me after he turned me. For so long, so many years, I always thought of it like some sort of wedding ring, like we were each other's in a way. Fucking joke that was.
Storming back into the bathroom I looked up at him, he still wouldn't meet my eyes till I turned his face to me. "Maybe we're too much alike to work. Maybe...maybe you should have let me go off that night. Maybe then neither of us would feel of this. I wouldn't feel like every good thing we had died when I did."
The tears ran down my face and I didn't know how many 'I love you's' I could say to make him realize that I did love him. Yes, I did love Lindsey as well but there were different things. Spike's the first man I've ever loved, the man that took me heart, body and soul. Even half a world away I'd always be his.
With shaking hands I took his hand in mine and placed the tiny gold ring in his palm, knowing that I should move, that I need to move, but I didn't find myself moving at all.
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"He beat me, he ignored me and you left me. Nobody wants me, they never did...So much some days I felt like I'd just die."
I was worried about what would happen if she went back to them, would Angelus accept it? Or would he be pissed off that he hadn’t actually gotten rid of her after all and decide to get rid of her for good. She was strong and she could hold her own, especially with the magick n’whatnot but still, he was older and when he wanted something, or didn’t want something as the case may be, he’d find a way to make it work in his favour.
I looked down at the little gold ring in my palm and held it out for her.
“Can’t do this, it’s too hard never knowing if you’re going to skip off again and leave me al--,” I said, feeling tears start to prickle my eyes. Rage swelled up inside me, at her and at me for letting her get to me like this. Dru was right, everyone was; I was a soft, pussy-whipped twat and I couldn’t understand why I cared so much, I didn’t have a soul…didn’t have the capacity to care, apparently.
I walked towards her and cupped her face in my hands, rubbing my thumbs over her cheeks to get rid of her tears. Pretty when she cried, but not when she was sad like this, I hated this. I wonder if I’d ever see her again? I wondered if I wanted to…why couldn’t this just be the reunion that I wanted it to be? Why was I always bloody second best?
“But…if you’re going back to them, just be careful of Angelus. If he tries to hurt you - I don’t mean fun stuff, I mean for real - come back here and I’ll protect you. I can’t be with you, m’sorry, I want to, but… but like I’ve always told you, I’ll take care of you if need be. I know I don’t always do a good job of it, but…”
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"Alone." I finished for him, about ready to turn and leave when he finally moved towards me his hands covering my face. His hands felt so good against my skin, I wanted to just forget everything and just be us again. THen again we never had much of 'us' alone. There was always something going on that tore us apart, but we always found our glue...
“But…if you’re going back to them, just be careful of Angelus. If he tries to hurt you - I don’t mean fun stuff, I mean for real - come back here and I’ll protect you. I can’t be with you, m’sorry, I want to, but… but like I’ve always told you, I’ll take care of you if need be. I know I don’t always do a good job of it, but…”
I covered his hands with mine. "You do, god you do." I whispered hoarsely. "I just...I wish you'd see that you're who I want. I love you, I'm...I'm in love with you." I sighed and looked down, resting my head against his chest. "I love him, yes, that's...that's something I can't change. I'm sorry. He was there like you were when I needed him and...he's my childe and he'll always have a place inside me."
Swallowing I looked up at him, my eyes meeting his and hoping he'd look at me and actually see me and see inside like he always could. "But you are my heart. You've always been everything to me. I don't...my place isn't there. I w-want it here." I was pleading, I hated pleading but I loved him more than I hated pleading.
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I wanted to tell her I loved her too, because I did, so bloody much but…
She leaned against me and I let her. Bloody hell, I was caving, I always bloody gave in. But she was telling me what I wanted to hear. Sweet lies maybe, but maybe not…a bloke could hope, couldn’t he?
"But you are my heart. You've always been everything to me. I don't...my place isn't there. I w-want it here
“You say I’m the one you want and maybe that’s true now, like it was 20 years ago, 30 years ago but then you’ll get tired of me and go to him again. I can’t bloody deal with that….” I had for decades though…
“I just…need to think about it,” I said, stroking her face. I wasn’t really sure what that meant, or what I wanted her to do but I knew I just couldn’t give her an answer right now…maybe it was too soon, she’d just turned up for god’s sake and she thought she instantly had a place back in my life. Okay, well yeah, she did, but that didn’t mean that she had to know it.
“Okay, kitten?”
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"After all this time you can't see that you're what I always want? I might go off on these selfish snits I have and...but I always come back to you baby, always." My voice was low and the feel of him so close was driving me mad, making me realize just how much I missed him. I always missed him, I loved him. We just needed to get through this.
“I just…need to think about it...Okay, kitten?”
He called me kitten and that was enough for me. I smiled slightly and kissed his palms. "I ain't gettin' any older." I whispered quietly, leaning up and kissing him softly, my hand running over his chest before pulling back and lacing my fingers with his. "Come to bed, sleep..."
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“The sun’s almost down, I want to pack and I want to go. Somewhere brand new, no past hunting grounds. No Sunny dale. Somewhere new where you and me can get it right this time.”
I opened my palm and held the nipple ring out to her again.
“Put this back on, yeah?” I smiled.
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"Yeah," I leaned up and kissed him softly, his fingers running gently over my skin. "Starting new might be good, we can make a new life and a fesh start." I loved that idea more than I could ever imagine. We never really had a chance to have a fresh start, we were always starting from somewhere in the middle.
“Put this back on, yeah?”
I grinned and wrapped it up in his palm, wrapping my arms around his waist. "Wait, wait till we get to our new home. We'll break in the place right." He grinned and I leaned up and kissed him softly. "Let's go."
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