My Eye Hurts
So, I just made a tall, stiff, drink. The reasoning for this is because my eye is hurting much like the last time I had to drink myself to sleep. Tonight it looks like I'm going to be crawling inside a bottle so I can escape the physical pain that is my left eye, so much for starting my paper tonight..
Lately, I can't stop myself from thinking about death and suicide. It's hard for me to talk about these things out loud for some reason, it even makes me tear up when I think about them too much. I'm partially concerned but at the same time I know that I'm too strong of a person to off myself. The only reason the thought of suicide is appealing is because it's the best pain releiver that I can think of. Nothing else helps the pain, emotional or physical. I've been living in pain for the last three monthes but it could be argued that I've been living in pain much longer than that. I have so much shit that needs to get done right now but my mind is driving me nuts and I simply can't concentrate (nor do I want to) on what really needs to be done (school).
I have not been afraid of death for quite some time, the thought of dieing for a noble cause is even attractive to me. If I were to die saving someone's life, I would be happy. The fact that I'm writing about this may concern some people, as it probably should. They always say that when someone is really considering stuff like this that there is usually some type of cry for help, which this could be considered.. It's just.. I'm depressed, life doesn't get any easier, and if that is true, my life is going to be hell compared to what I've already been through.
I'm in a phase where I hate nearly everything I see. The only things I don't hate, are the people close to me. Even right now, I hate my fucking computer, it's completely unreliable and it's supporting Microsoft; a company which I fucking hate. It's just.. I want to scream as loud and as long as I possibly can. I want to scream in crowded places and freak everyone out, I want to stand on the edge of a cliff and scream and hear the echo, I want to sit in a padded room and scream endlessly while wrestling around in my straight-jacket.
The pain in my eye causes stress, which leads to depression, which fuels the stress, which causes my eye to hurt, which causes pain. It's a fucking cycle. I feel like i'm in a tunnel with a light in sight that is probably a fucking Semi.
Every day I wake up I dread the fact that my eye is Going to hurt. I'm Going to be in pain today. I'm Going to be able to do Nothing about it.
Now back to the suicide. I can't commit suicide. That would be way too selfish. I mean.. there would be so many close friends and family of mine devestated. I can't even imagine how my Brother would take it, I mean, he is the one who did this to me. I don't hold it against him anymore, but no matter how many times I tell him not to worry about it, I know he's going to feel guilty for the rest of his life as it is. Also, no parent should out live their own children. This household is already having hard times, we don't need more.
I'm just sick of my life. I feel that even though I'm in school and I have some ambition to do something with my life, that I'm actually going no where fast. My passion is music, yet I feel that I can't reach what I really want to do with it. I could obviously drop everything I have going on in my life and pursue a music career, but how dumb would that be?
I want all the answers to life. I want to know why we live a life of suffering. What is the point of living my life in pain. I like to believe that most things in life happen for a reason, but come on, what the fuck good can come out of me losing sight in my left eye and living a considerable amount of my life in pain? Sure, having one good eye has sure built character and I don't take certain things for granted, but beyond that, what is this ultimate reasoning?
My best friend and companion is my cat Cougar. In a way, that is really fucking sad. I've had him since my eye accident. The doctor suggested that we get an animal because animals sometimes help children cope with their problems.
I just want the pain to go away, is that so much to ask?
Dear Santa,
I fucking hate you. Fall off my roof so I can point and laugh.
Lately, I can't stop myself from thinking about death and suicide. It's hard for me to talk about these things out loud for some reason, it even makes me tear up when I think about them too much. I'm partially concerned but at the same time I know that I'm too strong of a person to off myself. The only reason the thought of suicide is appealing is because it's the best pain releiver that I can think of. Nothing else helps the pain, emotional or physical. I've been living in pain for the last three monthes but it could be argued that I've been living in pain much longer than that. I have so much shit that needs to get done right now but my mind is driving me nuts and I simply can't concentrate (nor do I want to) on what really needs to be done (school).
I have not been afraid of death for quite some time, the thought of dieing for a noble cause is even attractive to me. If I were to die saving someone's life, I would be happy. The fact that I'm writing about this may concern some people, as it probably should. They always say that when someone is really considering stuff like this that there is usually some type of cry for help, which this could be considered.. It's just.. I'm depressed, life doesn't get any easier, and if that is true, my life is going to be hell compared to what I've already been through.
I'm in a phase where I hate nearly everything I see. The only things I don't hate, are the people close to me. Even right now, I hate my fucking computer, it's completely unreliable and it's supporting Microsoft; a company which I fucking hate. It's just.. I want to scream as loud and as long as I possibly can. I want to scream in crowded places and freak everyone out, I want to stand on the edge of a cliff and scream and hear the echo, I want to sit in a padded room and scream endlessly while wrestling around in my straight-jacket.
The pain in my eye causes stress, which leads to depression, which fuels the stress, which causes my eye to hurt, which causes pain. It's a fucking cycle. I feel like i'm in a tunnel with a light in sight that is probably a fucking Semi.
Every day I wake up I dread the fact that my eye is Going to hurt. I'm Going to be in pain today. I'm Going to be able to do Nothing about it.
Now back to the suicide. I can't commit suicide. That would be way too selfish. I mean.. there would be so many close friends and family of mine devestated. I can't even imagine how my Brother would take it, I mean, he is the one who did this to me. I don't hold it against him anymore, but no matter how many times I tell him not to worry about it, I know he's going to feel guilty for the rest of his life as it is. Also, no parent should out live their own children. This household is already having hard times, we don't need more.
I'm just sick of my life. I feel that even though I'm in school and I have some ambition to do something with my life, that I'm actually going no where fast. My passion is music, yet I feel that I can't reach what I really want to do with it. I could obviously drop everything I have going on in my life and pursue a music career, but how dumb would that be?
I want all the answers to life. I want to know why we live a life of suffering. What is the point of living my life in pain. I like to believe that most things in life happen for a reason, but come on, what the fuck good can come out of me losing sight in my left eye and living a considerable amount of my life in pain? Sure, having one good eye has sure built character and I don't take certain things for granted, but beyond that, what is this ultimate reasoning?
My best friend and companion is my cat Cougar. In a way, that is really fucking sad. I've had him since my eye accident. The doctor suggested that we get an animal because animals sometimes help children cope with their problems.
I just want the pain to go away, is that so much to ask?
Dear Santa,
I fucking hate you. Fall off my roof so I can point and laugh.