Coup de Snowflakes: A Crack Fic of the Lowest Caliber
Title: COUP DE SNOWFLAKES (or, Dear God, I Suck at French)
Rating: PG
Pairings: Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Morgana
Warnings: Crack. Parody. Well, perhaps not the latter, but I'd like to think so.
Summary: Merlin is one special snowflake. Literally.
"Beneath him came a growl, and Merlin was shaken from underneath as another snowflake shoved him angrily."
[Thank you to rotrude for the impromptu prompt. I apologise - you probably did not expect that line from your post to spring this well of absolute crack.]
[Oh, and a thankyou to didzease as well for slapping me around and fixing my title's grammar. Though those who actually speak French are probably still highly embarrassed for me, anyway.]
Merlin drifted lazily in the air, shivering happily in the breeze.
Today was a great day. The sun was out, beaming onto Merlin from above. The clouds were out, waving and whistling as they passed, some stumbling into him and embracing him in apology.
Giggling as he fell, fell, fell, Merlin brushed past the leaves on a fir tree and chortled. Oh, the joy! Nature.
Tumbling further, Merlin gasped as he hit solid ground, and he stared up, grinning, at the wide, bright sky above him.
What a great day!
Except.
Beneath him came a growl, and Merlin was shaken from underneath as another snowflake shoved him angrily.
"Oi," it said, "this is my spot. You're stealing my sunlight!"
Oh! Blinking in surprise, Merlin shifted until he was atop another, silent snowflake (that blushed when Merlin apologised and politely requested the top layer), and stared at the one he'd been lying upon moments before. "Hi," he said feebly, amiably.
The first snowflake glared.
"I'm Merlin," he tried brightly, wiggling an arm toward it.
Steadfastly, the first snowflake refused to acknowledge him, though it did sniff haughtily in his general direction as it turned away.
"What's a Merlin?" whispered the snowflake beneath Merlin. As he turned to look at the snowflake, it blushed again.
"I'm a Merlin," he replied, grinning. "It's my name."
"What does that even mean?" asked the haughty, first snowflake, turning back to eye Merlin.
Merlin gaped at the two of them. "You mean you don't have names?"
"We don't have anything, we're snowflakes," retorted the first, arms rolling as it rolled its eyes. "Honestly."
"That doesn't mean you can't have names," said Merlin. "I'll do it for you if you like."
The blushing snowflake quivered excitedly. "I want a name!"
Grinning, Merlin shifted again so he was beside the blushing snowflake instead of atop it. "You're sweet," he said, and the snowflake hiccuped in embarrassment. Staring critically at it, he shrugged, arms waving as a breeze rushed by. "Sorry. I think you have to wait. I don't have a name for you - it's somewhere else, instead. If I gave you one, it'd be wrong."
Sagging a little, the blushing snowflake nodded.
Merlin turned to the first snowflake, which snapped its eyes away when Merlin caught it watching them. "You," he began, but was interrupted.
"What's all this noise?" came a voice from beneath all of them, and they shifted away in surprise as another snowflake climbed its way to the top layer of snow, ignoring the grumbling of snowflakes it stepped on on its path up.
"Oi," snapped the first snowflake, "that's my spot!"
"Oh, really?" asked the new snowflake, punching the first in the middle with a balled up arm. "Shame, that, seeing as I've just stolen it." And the new snowflake sat itself down, turning to Merlin. "What's this about names?"
Merlin smiled, waving his arms as he spoke. "They didn't know what a name was. Everyone needs a name."
"Why?" asked the new snowflake, eyeing the blushing snowflake curiously.
"Because we're all different," Merlin said. "It reminds us we're different."
"But we're not," piped the blushing snowflake, which turned even redder when the new snowflake turned its gaze solidly toward it. "I mean - I mean, we're not different."
"Agreed," agreed the new snowflake, slapping the first snowflake down as it tried to inch back into its old spot. "We're all the same."
"Well, I'm better than all the rest," said the first snowflake. "But we are all the same, really."
"No, no we're not," Merlin argued. "We're really not!"
And all the snowflakes looked closely at Merlin and gasped. "It's true," said the blushing snowflake.
"You're different!" they said, and crowded closer to prod at his arms curiously.
"What beautiful arms," the new snowflake observed. "So pointy and thin!"
The blushing snowflake poked his face. "What an angular face," it sighed, "so lovely!"
"Ugh," scoffed the first snowflake, "what big ears. Nothing like our tiny, dainty ones."
Rubbing his ears ruefully, Merlin grinned. "I wasn't talking about physical differences," he said.
"I don't understand," the first snowflake said. "You're just like us, except you're not."
Merlin nodded. "It's the name," he surmised. "It makes me different. Because I'm quite brilliant." And he wiggled his arms as the other three - one of them grudgingly - agreed.
Suddenly, around them, a crowd of new voices emerged. "I want a name!"
"Me, too!"
"Oh, give me a name, please!"
The first snowflake puffed up its middle and tottered over the rest, pointing its arms in different directions and looking fierce. "Alright," it said firmly, and the other snowflakes quieted. "You all need names, so we'll give you names! Beginning with you two," it added, looking at the two original snowflakes.
"Erm."
The three of them waited for it to choose some names.
"Ehem."
Finally, Merlin laughed. "Creativity is not something that makes this one different," he explained as they all shared a laugh. "But I think," he said, studying the two of them, "that you have names for each other."
The two snowflakes looked at each other in surprise.
"I-I feel like..." began the new snowflake, taking three of the blushing snowflake's arms in its own, "like you are...my Gwen. My Gwen."
And Gwen stopped blushing, staring at the new snowflake with happiness gleaming from her crystal body. "I've just found your name," she admitted, shyly, "and it's written in the crystals of my heart." [The other three, and a few other snowflakes, gathered round - and yes, there it was.] "Morgana."
Beaming, Merlin clapped his arms together as Morgana laughed and swung Gwen up and back into her arms.
"We're different!" they exclaimed, and they tumbled merrily atop other snowflakes, which bounced them around in celebration.
"Lancelot," Merlin said, laughing. He pointed at one particularly fearless snowflake that had been fighting off a stray sheep nibbling at the snow.
"Oho," cried Lancelot. "I have a name! And a mission," he added darkly, waving a piece of hay dangerously at the sheep.
"Leon! Owain! Belvedere!" Merlin crowed, and they cheered, running off to aid Lancelot in his quest.
As Merlin gave more snowflakes names, Morgana and Gwen spun round him, laughing and chanting. "We're different! We're different!"
The first snowflake hung back, grinning at the newly named snowflakes but subdued, in a way. Merlin wobbled close to it, landing in a straight heap beside it. "What's wrong?"
Though it looked away at first, it steeled its body and turned back to Merlin. "It's good of you to come here, giving us names and making us different. Without you, we'd all be the same silent, similar mass of snow we'd been 'til you landed."
"You all were already different," Merlin said, shaking his arms. "It's just the name that makes you all see it. And all the talking is probably because I have trouble shutting my mouth," he added with a smile.
The first snowflake rubbed one arm with another. "I...I want one. A name, I mean. I want to see myself different, too."
Pausing, Merlin stared at it. The tips of his arms slowly turned pink. "I've kept yours. I knew it the moment I saw you," he said, "'cept I wanted to keep it hidden a little, since you were being such an ass and all."
He leaned closer as the first snowflake shook with chuckles. They both quieted as they stared at each other. "Your name," Merlin began slowly, noticing that it watched his lips, "is--"
Except then everything grew dark, and Merlin was suddenly alone, staring at a pair of smiling, twinkling eyes.
"Thank you, Merlin," boomed a large voice. "I needed you for the story and you performed magically," the voice said, and the twinkling eyes turned toward a small boy that suddenly appeared in the dark. "You see," the voice continued, though it was no longer directed at Merlin, "that is the story of why snowflakes are all different. Because one special snowflake let them see the uniqueness that was inside them all, and gave them names to express it for the world to see."
"Ooh," said the boy, nodding sleepily, as he climbed off a large tree. "Thank you, Father Christmas. Thank you for giving me my Christmas wish."
Father Christmas beamed as he patted the boy's head. "Off you go to sleep, then. Happy Christmas."
Merlin gaped confusedly at the two characters in the dark, but by the time he could form any words, he was already waking up.
"Nngh," he groaned, rubbing his eyes. The sun was barely over the horizon, the new day's daylight slowly inching its way into his room.
Listening to Gaius's snores, Merlin suddenly remembered his dream. "What--" he muttered, frowning. So much of it was a blur, though he was fairly sure it had felt quite real at the time.
And then he remembered the most important part of all.
Running to Arthur's room, Merlin opened the door with a loud bang.
Arthur, swearing, sat up in bed with a sword ("What the hell, Arthur, you sleep with a sword? Where do you even keep it?" "Shut up, Merlin, just shut up!") and stared wildly at the door.
"Merlin?" he began, but Merlin interrupted him, rushing forward to grab the tops of Arthur's arms and lean toward him with one knee on the bed.
"Your name," Merlin said with a wide grin, "is Arthur."
Sputtering, Arthur huffed, throwing his sword on the floor and resting his hands on Merlin's shoulders. "Merlin, if this is some sort of infectious disease of madness--"
"But don't you want to know what it is? What an Arthur is?"
"Alright," Arthur said slowly, "what is an Arthur?"
"It's a prat!" And Merlin laughed uproariously at his own joke.
Arthur stared at him, blinking at the utter idiocy of the moment, until he couldn't hold the grin back any longer. With a shout of laughter, he rolled Merlin to the floor, wrestling him to mask their very manly giggles, until they were both too tired to do anything but lie sprawled on the floor, occasionally gasping, "it's a prat!" between their bouts of laughter.
And if one of the new kitchen maids later accidentally stumbled across the two of them lip-locked in a messy heap on the floor, Merlin would most likely have wiggled his arms in such a way, yelling, "I'm a snowflake! A talking snowflake!" as to make her laugh so hard she'd have forgotten what it was she'd supposedly seen.
Which was all for the best, really, as Father Christmas would have then had to abduct the outraged king and transform him into a sword, sealing him into a prison of rock to prevent murder from happening to his precious, unique snowflakes.
Ah, but I get ahead of myself. That is, after all, the story of how Arthur eventually became king.
Deleted/Altered Scenes:
1. Merlin turned to the other snowflake, who snapped its eyes away when Merlin caught it watching them. "You, I have a name for. Arthur."
Arthur looked at him in surprise. "What's an Arthur?"
"It's a prat," came the reply, and Merlin laughed uproariously at his own joke.
Arthur trembled, and the blushing snowflake beside Merlin gasped, shrinking further down warily. But instead of rushing up to tackle Merlin, the Arthur snowflake let out a whoop of laughter. "HaHA!"
2. Rubbing his ears ruefully, Merlin grinned. "I wasn't talking about physical differences," he said, but he pointed at Arthur. "Look! He's different, too."
The other snowflakes ooh'd and moved over to Arthur to investigate.
"He's right," declared the new snowflake. "Arthur's different, too. His middle's all puffed up and muscle-y."
"What soft crystals!" said the blushing snowflake with a giggle, patting the top of Arthur's face. "And so sparkly!"
Arthur waved them away irritatedly.
Prompts for the fic from rotrude and merlinadvent 2009, Day 20 - "Father Christmas is a Sorcerer!"
Rating: PG
Pairings: Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Morgana
Warnings: Crack. Parody. Well, perhaps not the latter, but I'd like to think so.
Summary: Merlin is one special snowflake. Literally.
"Beneath him came a growl, and Merlin was shaken from underneath as another snowflake shoved him angrily."
[Thank you to rotrude for the impromptu prompt. I apologise - you probably did not expect that line from your post to spring this well of absolute crack.]
[Oh, and a thankyou to didzease as well for slapping me around and fixing my title's grammar. Though those who actually speak French are probably still highly embarrassed for me, anyway.]
Merlin drifted lazily in the air, shivering happily in the breeze.
Today was a great day. The sun was out, beaming onto Merlin from above. The clouds were out, waving and whistling as they passed, some stumbling into him and embracing him in apology.
Giggling as he fell, fell, fell, Merlin brushed past the leaves on a fir tree and chortled. Oh, the joy! Nature.
Tumbling further, Merlin gasped as he hit solid ground, and he stared up, grinning, at the wide, bright sky above him.
What a great day!
Except.
Beneath him came a growl, and Merlin was shaken from underneath as another snowflake shoved him angrily.
"Oi," it said, "this is my spot. You're stealing my sunlight!"
Oh! Blinking in surprise, Merlin shifted until he was atop another, silent snowflake (that blushed when Merlin apologised and politely requested the top layer), and stared at the one he'd been lying upon moments before. "Hi," he said feebly, amiably.
The first snowflake glared.
"I'm Merlin," he tried brightly, wiggling an arm toward it.
Steadfastly, the first snowflake refused to acknowledge him, though it did sniff haughtily in his general direction as it turned away.
"What's a Merlin?" whispered the snowflake beneath Merlin. As he turned to look at the snowflake, it blushed again.
"I'm a Merlin," he replied, grinning. "It's my name."
"What does that even mean?" asked the haughty, first snowflake, turning back to eye Merlin.
Merlin gaped at the two of them. "You mean you don't have names?"
"We don't have anything, we're snowflakes," retorted the first, arms rolling as it rolled its eyes. "Honestly."
"That doesn't mean you can't have names," said Merlin. "I'll do it for you if you like."
The blushing snowflake quivered excitedly. "I want a name!"
Grinning, Merlin shifted again so he was beside the blushing snowflake instead of atop it. "You're sweet," he said, and the snowflake hiccuped in embarrassment. Staring critically at it, he shrugged, arms waving as a breeze rushed by. "Sorry. I think you have to wait. I don't have a name for you - it's somewhere else, instead. If I gave you one, it'd be wrong."
Sagging a little, the blushing snowflake nodded.
Merlin turned to the first snowflake, which snapped its eyes away when Merlin caught it watching them. "You," he began, but was interrupted.
"What's all this noise?" came a voice from beneath all of them, and they shifted away in surprise as another snowflake climbed its way to the top layer of snow, ignoring the grumbling of snowflakes it stepped on on its path up.
"Oi," snapped the first snowflake, "that's my spot!"
"Oh, really?" asked the new snowflake, punching the first in the middle with a balled up arm. "Shame, that, seeing as I've just stolen it." And the new snowflake sat itself down, turning to Merlin. "What's this about names?"
Merlin smiled, waving his arms as he spoke. "They didn't know what a name was. Everyone needs a name."
"Why?" asked the new snowflake, eyeing the blushing snowflake curiously.
"Because we're all different," Merlin said. "It reminds us we're different."
"But we're not," piped the blushing snowflake, which turned even redder when the new snowflake turned its gaze solidly toward it. "I mean - I mean, we're not different."
"Agreed," agreed the new snowflake, slapping the first snowflake down as it tried to inch back into its old spot. "We're all the same."
"Well, I'm better than all the rest," said the first snowflake. "But we are all the same, really."
"No, no we're not," Merlin argued. "We're really not!"
And all the snowflakes looked closely at Merlin and gasped. "It's true," said the blushing snowflake.
"You're different!" they said, and crowded closer to prod at his arms curiously.
"What beautiful arms," the new snowflake observed. "So pointy and thin!"
The blushing snowflake poked his face. "What an angular face," it sighed, "so lovely!"
"Ugh," scoffed the first snowflake, "what big ears. Nothing like our tiny, dainty ones."
Rubbing his ears ruefully, Merlin grinned. "I wasn't talking about physical differences," he said.
"I don't understand," the first snowflake said. "You're just like us, except you're not."
Merlin nodded. "It's the name," he surmised. "It makes me different. Because I'm quite brilliant." And he wiggled his arms as the other three - one of them grudgingly - agreed.
Suddenly, around them, a crowd of new voices emerged. "I want a name!"
"Me, too!"
"Oh, give me a name, please!"
The first snowflake puffed up its middle and tottered over the rest, pointing its arms in different directions and looking fierce. "Alright," it said firmly, and the other snowflakes quieted. "You all need names, so we'll give you names! Beginning with you two," it added, looking at the two original snowflakes.
"Erm."
The three of them waited for it to choose some names.
"Ehem."
Finally, Merlin laughed. "Creativity is not something that makes this one different," he explained as they all shared a laugh. "But I think," he said, studying the two of them, "that you have names for each other."
The two snowflakes looked at each other in surprise.
"I-I feel like..." began the new snowflake, taking three of the blushing snowflake's arms in its own, "like you are...my Gwen. My Gwen."
And Gwen stopped blushing, staring at the new snowflake with happiness gleaming from her crystal body. "I've just found your name," she admitted, shyly, "and it's written in the crystals of my heart." [The other three, and a few other snowflakes, gathered round - and yes, there it was.] "Morgana."
Beaming, Merlin clapped his arms together as Morgana laughed and swung Gwen up and back into her arms.
"We're different!" they exclaimed, and they tumbled merrily atop other snowflakes, which bounced them around in celebration.
"Lancelot," Merlin said, laughing. He pointed at one particularly fearless snowflake that had been fighting off a stray sheep nibbling at the snow.
"Oho," cried Lancelot. "I have a name! And a mission," he added darkly, waving a piece of hay dangerously at the sheep.
"Leon! Owain! Belvedere!" Merlin crowed, and they cheered, running off to aid Lancelot in his quest.
As Merlin gave more snowflakes names, Morgana and Gwen spun round him, laughing and chanting. "We're different! We're different!"
The first snowflake hung back, grinning at the newly named snowflakes but subdued, in a way. Merlin wobbled close to it, landing in a straight heap beside it. "What's wrong?"
Though it looked away at first, it steeled its body and turned back to Merlin. "It's good of you to come here, giving us names and making us different. Without you, we'd all be the same silent, similar mass of snow we'd been 'til you landed."
"You all were already different," Merlin said, shaking his arms. "It's just the name that makes you all see it. And all the talking is probably because I have trouble shutting my mouth," he added with a smile.
The first snowflake rubbed one arm with another. "I...I want one. A name, I mean. I want to see myself different, too."
Pausing, Merlin stared at it. The tips of his arms slowly turned pink. "I've kept yours. I knew it the moment I saw you," he said, "'cept I wanted to keep it hidden a little, since you were being such an ass and all."
He leaned closer as the first snowflake shook with chuckles. They both quieted as they stared at each other. "Your name," Merlin began slowly, noticing that it watched his lips, "is--"
Except then everything grew dark, and Merlin was suddenly alone, staring at a pair of smiling, twinkling eyes.
"Thank you, Merlin," boomed a large voice. "I needed you for the story and you performed magically," the voice said, and the twinkling eyes turned toward a small boy that suddenly appeared in the dark. "You see," the voice continued, though it was no longer directed at Merlin, "that is the story of why snowflakes are all different. Because one special snowflake let them see the uniqueness that was inside them all, and gave them names to express it for the world to see."
"Ooh," said the boy, nodding sleepily, as he climbed off a large tree. "Thank you, Father Christmas. Thank you for giving me my Christmas wish."
Father Christmas beamed as he patted the boy's head. "Off you go to sleep, then. Happy Christmas."
Merlin gaped confusedly at the two characters in the dark, but by the time he could form any words, he was already waking up.
"Nngh," he groaned, rubbing his eyes. The sun was barely over the horizon, the new day's daylight slowly inching its way into his room.
Listening to Gaius's snores, Merlin suddenly remembered his dream. "What--" he muttered, frowning. So much of it was a blur, though he was fairly sure it had felt quite real at the time.
And then he remembered the most important part of all.
Running to Arthur's room, Merlin opened the door with a loud bang.
Arthur, swearing, sat up in bed with a sword ("What the hell, Arthur, you sleep with a sword? Where do you even keep it?" "Shut up, Merlin, just shut up!") and stared wildly at the door.
"Merlin?" he began, but Merlin interrupted him, rushing forward to grab the tops of Arthur's arms and lean toward him with one knee on the bed.
"Your name," Merlin said with a wide grin, "is Arthur."
Sputtering, Arthur huffed, throwing his sword on the floor and resting his hands on Merlin's shoulders. "Merlin, if this is some sort of infectious disease of madness--"
"But don't you want to know what it is? What an Arthur is?"
"Alright," Arthur said slowly, "what is an Arthur?"
"It's a prat!" And Merlin laughed uproariously at his own joke.
Arthur stared at him, blinking at the utter idiocy of the moment, until he couldn't hold the grin back any longer. With a shout of laughter, he rolled Merlin to the floor, wrestling him to mask their very manly giggles, until they were both too tired to do anything but lie sprawled on the floor, occasionally gasping, "it's a prat!" between their bouts of laughter.
And if one of the new kitchen maids later accidentally stumbled across the two of them lip-locked in a messy heap on the floor, Merlin would most likely have wiggled his arms in such a way, yelling, "I'm a snowflake! A talking snowflake!" as to make her laugh so hard she'd have forgotten what it was she'd supposedly seen.
Which was all for the best, really, as Father Christmas would have then had to abduct the outraged king and transform him into a sword, sealing him into a prison of rock to prevent murder from happening to his precious, unique snowflakes.
Ah, but I get ahead of myself. That is, after all, the story of how Arthur eventually became king.
Deleted/Altered Scenes:
1. Merlin turned to the other snowflake, who snapped its eyes away when Merlin caught it watching them. "You, I have a name for. Arthur."
Arthur looked at him in surprise. "What's an Arthur?"
"It's a prat," came the reply, and Merlin laughed uproariously at his own joke.
Arthur trembled, and the blushing snowflake beside Merlin gasped, shrinking further down warily. But instead of rushing up to tackle Merlin, the Arthur snowflake let out a whoop of laughter. "HaHA!"
2. Rubbing his ears ruefully, Merlin grinned. "I wasn't talking about physical differences," he said, but he pointed at Arthur. "Look! He's different, too."
The other snowflakes ooh'd and moved over to Arthur to investigate.
"He's right," declared the new snowflake. "Arthur's different, too. His middle's all puffed up and muscle-y."
"What soft crystals!" said the blushing snowflake with a giggle, patting the top of Arthur's face. "And so sparkly!"
Arthur waved them away irritatedly.
Prompts for the fic from rotrude and merlinadvent 2009, Day 20 - "Father Christmas is a Sorcerer!"