What's wrong/not wrong with me?
Long story short- we decided to have a second child and I miscarried twice. Something strange happened during the second pregnancy that ended in miscarriage and I really started to panic. Panic lead to dread and then I realized... I didn't want to be pregnant. It was an awful realization and then we miscarried. I'm very sad that we miscarried, but I feel like I was fortunate to have a second chance to step back and think about what I want.
I discussed it many times with my therapist. I started going to therapy after my son Finn was born. He's 21 months and I love him so much. I love being a mother, but I got very difficult post-partum that nearly lead me to be hospitalized. I'm doing great now and I love our life, but I just don't want to start over with another baby. :(
Why the frowny face? I guess because I always thought I would have two kids and I always think of myself as a very maternal person. It's just... the people I see with two kids don't seem very happy. They seem stressed. They don't seem to be having twice the joy, but rather fighting to notice the joy in the chaos. I haven noticed that playtime (which is so important to me with my son) diminishes to referee and one-on-one becomes a thing on the to-do-list. There are a lot of reasons I can say to justify why I only want one.
But then... I visited my girlfriend this weekend who has a 2.5 yr old and a 5 month old. It just didn't happen. The baby envy just didn't come over me. I found myself in the playhouse with the toddlers. I loved her baby, but watching my friend care for her made me so grateful to have left those days behind. It's true that I had a very difficult baby and I don't have an easy toddler either, so I wonder if maybe I'm jaded.
Maybe it would be different? Am I not the maternal person I thought if my ovaries don't chime when I hear the baby coos? They did once before, but now I have my baby. I co-sleep and the thought of having to rearrange for a second just makes my head want to explode.
Yet, I find myself making up dumb answers to the "when are you going to have a second" question and feeling very bashful of the truth: I just don't want a second and I don't really know why.
Does this sound familiar? Did you ever feel guilty or question yourself as a parent because you felt done with one? Any relating/advice is welcome. Thanks for listening. Sorry this is so long!
I discussed it many times with my therapist. I started going to therapy after my son Finn was born. He's 21 months and I love him so much. I love being a mother, but I got very difficult post-partum that nearly lead me to be hospitalized. I'm doing great now and I love our life, but I just don't want to start over with another baby. :(
Why the frowny face? I guess because I always thought I would have two kids and I always think of myself as a very maternal person. It's just... the people I see with two kids don't seem very happy. They seem stressed. They don't seem to be having twice the joy, but rather fighting to notice the joy in the chaos. I haven noticed that playtime (which is so important to me with my son) diminishes to referee and one-on-one becomes a thing on the to-do-list. There are a lot of reasons I can say to justify why I only want one.
But then... I visited my girlfriend this weekend who has a 2.5 yr old and a 5 month old. It just didn't happen. The baby envy just didn't come over me. I found myself in the playhouse with the toddlers. I loved her baby, but watching my friend care for her made me so grateful to have left those days behind. It's true that I had a very difficult baby and I don't have an easy toddler either, so I wonder if maybe I'm jaded.
Maybe it would be different? Am I not the maternal person I thought if my ovaries don't chime when I hear the baby coos? They did once before, but now I have my baby. I co-sleep and the thought of having to rearrange for a second just makes my head want to explode.
Yet, I find myself making up dumb answers to the "when are you going to have a second" question and feeling very bashful of the truth: I just don't want a second and I don't really know why.
Does this sound familiar? Did you ever feel guilty or question yourself as a parent because you felt done with one? Any relating/advice is welcome. Thanks for listening. Sorry this is so long!