Men Behaving Badly
Ianto was sweating. It was Thursday morning. On Sunday night, he’d added a secret ingredient to Jack’s cocoa. To help him sleep. Well, to help both of them sleep. It was something to stop Jack from being so damn randy.
Ianto needed to wind down on a Sunday night and get a good night’s sleep in before the week before. But Jack regularly had other ideas. But this time, Ianto decided to take matters in hand. One dose was enough for 24 hours. But that was four days ago.
Jack had now woken up without an erection for four days running. He’d gone through three entire days without so much as a twitch. He now had the look of a man who thought he was dying, only for Jack, this was worse than dying.
He swept into the kitchen as Ianto was clutching his coffee for support.
“I’m going to see a Doctor,” he announced, his face white.
“Which doctor?” asked Ianto, panicked.
“No, not a witch doctor,” said Jack, searching for something. “A doctor doctor.”
Ianto blinked. “No I didn’t mean a witch doctor I meant which doctor as in what doctor? I mean - do you need to see the doctor?
Jack looked confused as Hell for a moment and then something made sense. “Oh!” he said. “No, just a doctor. A normal 21st century medical doctor. A GP. In Cardiff.”
Ianto sighed with relief. At least that Doctor wouldn’t be involved. He realised Jack was looking for the car keys and handed them to him.
“NHS or private?” he asked casually.
“Ianto!” Jack was losing patience.
“Sorry.”
Jack made to leave. It occurred to Ianto that both Jack and his GP might need to know the truth. He took a deep breath.
“Jack, I need to tell you something,” he squirmed. “I added something to your coffee on Sunday night. To help you sleep.” He bit his lip and hung his head.
Jack put his hands on his hips. “What? Like a sleeping tablet?”
“Not exactly,” said Ianto. You were on about a fiery night of passion and I was hoping to get some sleep, so I...”
“Gave me something that would help you sleep?” said Jack, catching on, and stepping closer to Ianto.
“Yes,” said Ianto.
“What was it, Ianto?”
“It was a mild anaphrodisiac,” said Ianto. “To keep you...”
“Mild,” said Jack. His lips were thinning.
Ianto wriggled. “It’s a sedative, bit like Bromide. Wasn’t supposed to last this long.”
“You poisoned me?”
“I didn’t... I just...”
“You fucking poisoned me??”
Ianto’s mouth fell open. He had. He had poisoned Jack.
“Didn’t mean to,” he said feebly. “It was supposed to help you, me, us sleep. For one night!”
“I’m going to see a doctor. Tell me what you gave me and I’ll tell him I took it and I’ll sort it out.”
“But...”
“IANTO!” Jack shouted. Ianto flinched.
“I’ll get the packet,” he mumbled, slinking off to the kitchen. Moments later he returned and gave it to Jack.
Jack snatched it from Ianto and pushed it into his pocket. Then he glared his most unforgiving glare.
Ianto grew more and more distressed.
“I’m sorry Jack. It was an accident. I didn’t know it would last this long.”
Jack stepped even closer to Ianto who felt himself shrinking.
“You poisoned me. I should lock you in a cell.”
Ianto looked at Jack like a frightened child.
“In fact,” said Jack, grabbing Ianto by his upper arm, “I want you to stay right here until I get back.” He led Ianto to his office chair and pushed him into it before reaching for the handcuffs.
“Jack!” cried Ianto.
“Oh like you haven’t done anything to deserve it,” snapped Jack, crouching down and cuffing Ianto by the wrist to his chair. “You’ve cuffed me to this thing for lesser deeds.”
“Those were games,” said Ianto, his voice wobbling.
Jack looked up at Ianto. “You’re staying here till I get back,” he said gently. “And you’d better hope that this goes away.”
Ianto looked as if he was going to cry. Jack stood and then graced a hand over Ianto’s head, stroking his hair. He then bent down and kissed him on the lips. “I won’t be long,” he said.
Ianto watched him leave, feeling wretched. He shifted in the chair and tried not to imagine things such as ‘long term effects’. He tried to relax but suddenly became aware of how much coffee he’d already had to drink that morning.
Jack returned an hour later. He did not look happy.
“Jack!” called Ianto. “What did he say?? Jack please let me go, I need to pee!”
Jack walked very slowly towards Ianto.
“He said I misread the instructions and overdosed myself, but should be fine in a couple of days with the help of plenty of water.”
Ianto looked mortified. “I’m sorry. Oh god I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to!” he wriggled desperately. “Jack, sorry, but I really do need to pee.”
Jack raised an eyebrow.
“I could be really cruel right now,” he smirked. “Did I mention how much water I need to drink? Gushing, pouring, refreshing water?”
Ianto crossed his legs. “Jack!” he hissed.
“I think I have a nice, long drink,” continued Jack casually. “And then I’ll have a shower. Mmmm, all that water cascading like a waterfall...”
“Jack!” shouted Ianto. His legs were jiggling.
Jack sighed. “Come straight back here afterwards,” he commanded sternly, walking to the chair and searching his pockets for the key. Then he froze.
“Oh shit, where did I put it?”
“That’s not funny!” shouted Ianto.
“It’s here somewhere... I know it.” Jack began to panic. He searched the desk and the drawers as well as his pockets for several long seconds. Ianto forgot about modesty and his free hand went to his crotch.
“Jack!!” he warned.
“I don’t understand it,” said Jack, wildly distracted and turning in circles. “Oh!” he suddenly exclaimed. “I know!” He ran towards the kitchen.
“Hurry up!” yelled Ianto.
“I am!” Jack yelled back at him. Then he was racing back across the hub waving the key in his hand. “Got it!”
He knelt down and twisted the key as quickly as he could, releasing Ianto instantly. Ianto leapt up out of the chair, his face a picture of relief, but then he immediately doubled over with a shout.
“Argh! Bugger!” he swore, clutching his crotch. Jack stayed very still and very quiet as he watched Ianto hobble at a 45 degree angle towards the toilets. He cringed.
15 minutes later, Jack was sitting silently in his chair, sipping at a glass of water and fidgeting anxiously. When Ianto immerged he was wearing different suit trousers. He looked furious.
“Sorry about that,” said Jack. “It wasn’t intentional, I promise.”
“Really,” said Ianto, quietly, eyes fiery.
“Really,” said Jack sincerely. “I didn’t mean to leave the key....” he trailed off. “It was an accident.”
“Yeah well there have been altogether too many of them lately,” said Ianto bitterly.
“Was it...bad?” asked Jack nervously.
Ianto sighed. “It wasn’t catastrophic but you know me. I’m particular about these things.”
“Yeah,” said Jack, looking ashamed. “So you poisoned me. Then I imprisoned you and made you...”
Ianto cleared his throat loudly.
“...er...uncomfortable,” said Jack, quickly. “Perhaps we’re even at this point.”
“No,” said Ianto simply.
“Oh,” said Jack, hanging his head. He slumped in his chair a bit.
Ianto walked over to him and crouched down by the side of the chair.
“Handcuff related accidents aside,” he said, “I did poison you. I didn’t see it like that at the time but I was so wrong to do that. I’m sorry, Jack.”
Jack gazed at Ianto. Ianto smiled up at him sheepishly. “If you want to lock me in a cell, I’ll understand. As long as you provide me with a bucket,” he muttered.
Jack laughed out loud, leaned forward and opened his arms out to Ianto. They stayed in a warm hug for some time, remembering the feel of each other, until Ianto rocked back on his heels, still crouching by Jack’s side.
“So how long did he say it would be?” asked Ianto.
“Not long now, he said,” answered Jack. “I told him that was easy for him to say. I feel disabled. And he told me to always read the label.”
Ianto giggled and Jack shot him a warning glare. “Wanna share a cell with Janice? I’m sure she doesn’t have a depleted sex drive.”
Ianto pouted. Jack smiled and leaned in to kiss him. Ianto responded and they melted into a long, explorative snog. Then Jack stopped abruptly.
“Oh my,” he said.
“What is it?” asked Ianto with concern.
Jack grinned deliciously. “I’m back, baby!” he said, sliding off the chair and landing on top of Ianto. Ianto fell backwards and then next thing he knew he was lying on the floor with Jack covering his body. Ianto looked up at Jack questioningly before feeling something rock hard against his hip. His eyes widened.
“No, Jack. Not here!”
“Oh yes,” said Jack, moving his hands to pin Ianto’s down and rolling his hips. “Right here. Right now. You owe me, mister!”
“Jack!” moaned Ianto. But then it seemed to make so much sense. Jack pressed against him and he responded in kind. “Oh god...” he gasped, feeling himself harden.
“Four day backlog, Jones,” said Jack between kisses. “You’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”