C-c-c-concrit
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The Johnny's Fanfiction Concrit Meme
THIS is where you get to tell me about my writing.♥ Comment for yourself only. Do not make threads for other people ( Read more... )
The Johnny's Fanfiction Concrit Meme
THIS is where you get to tell me about my writing.♥ Comment for yourself only. Do not make threads for other people ( Read more... )
Solid crack. Well-done.
"Electric Twist"
First of all, I noticed no grammer, spelling or punctuation errors.
You took a great care in the beginning to make sure the reader knows just how seedy the area is and how uncomfortable Nino is; you also painted a thorough picture of the club with all it's withering bodies and the overwhelming beat. Even better, you followed "show, don't tell" by channelling all of this through what Nino experiences instead of just describing the scene. I recognise all this, yet I have to admit: it didn't work for me. I'm being picky here, but somehow, while I could see you did your best, I just didn't feel it, you know? Though I'm pretty sure I'm the exception here, not the rule (and no, I'm not saying that to be nice, I honestly am a demanding bitch when it comes to scene descriptions).
As for the story itself, I didn't really like it. There's not a lot happening and what does happen has been written before. A lot. (Again, I'm a demanding bitch who has read too many fics for her own good.)
Sadly, the cliché plot also was accompanied by cliché descriptions. Expressions like his dark eyes fathomless, or this part: “Are you scared, Nino?” Ohno purred in his ear and Nino let out a full body shiver. are, in my opinion, over the top.
(The characterisation of both Nino and Ohno didn't really sit well with me either, but that's really going into personal opinion territory, so there.)
Despite all these complaints, I think you are a good writer. Not one whose writing I personally like, but decent. I do believe a lot of readers will like your fics. All the stuff I'm complaining about here is nitpicky and contains a whole lot of personal preferences - which does, strictly speaking, not constitute as concrit. I know that. The thing is just that, the way I see it, your writing is like a sappy romcom. People will like it because they like sappy romcoms, not because yours is a "good movie", you know? Ohmiya fans will like it because it's Ohmiya and it's well-written, not because it's a stunning piece of prose or features a riveting plot. If you're fine with that, great. Really, that's nothing to be ashamed of; writing is supposed to be fun, and if this is what you like keep on doing it. But if you want to do more, the things I mentioned above might give you pointers on where to start. I think you can do more elaborate stuff. Your vocabulary is extensive, your technique (show, don't tell) is good if still a tad clumsy in places, the way you approach your story (like for example the intro, with Nino searching for the club) is clever and interesting. It's the plot, the lead-up to the porn and the porn itself that could have been more nifty and subtle. Which direction exactly you take it is your choice - if you take a different direction, that is. Nothing wrong with sappy romcoms. :)
Lastly, don't be too shocked about this verdict. In my experience, everyone's first fic(s) are horribly clichéd and not very original; it takes time and practice to overcome it, but like I said, I'm pretty sure you have what's necessary to do that.
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You might want to read this:
http://jememetime.livejournal.com/1803.html?thread=13395467#t13395467
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Why should she? It's not about her or her fics but about you.
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I think it's not a good idea to show OP that not everyone agrees with what I wrote.
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Sorry.
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I'm agree with a lot of what you've said about my writing, and was really happy that you gave specific examples of which parts were not working for you. Now I have a few good jumping off points of things I really need to work on. I'm choosing to focus on the positives and work really hard on the negatives so that I can become a well rounded writer.
Lastly, I do really appreciate you saying that you think I have the potential to one day be a good writer, that's really encouraging. No one gets there all at once, and I will put a lot of hard work into the points you've highlighted for me.
Really, thank you for your honest critique :)
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