i hate this
i hate the fighting. i hate it all. i hate the fact that in 33 days i'm leaving for 6 months, and my own father won't even speak to me. I hate that I try and get him to talk, and he's too stubborn to talk back. I hate that he won't visit. He won't see me in Florida because it's "Joey's year" its joey's year every fucking year. When the hell is it my year? When can I be important enough? I thought getting an internship and moving to fucking disney world would justify a visit. a fucking weekend. but no. joey always wins. joey is the favorite. and amy is the fucking black sheep. i try not to be jealous. sibling rivalry sucks. i try my best to smile and love him when my family spends thousands of dollars on him when they can't even pay my fucking tuition to hesser college, when he's on radio stations and tv shows and in newspaper articles, and they make him a fucking website. he's talented i know. his future is so bright i know. but how many people actually know he has an older sister? i hate that everytime i brought home good grades that he has to beat me. he's in 2 fucking classes (easy fucking classes) in high school. i bring home presidents list in college, and no one cares, cause he did the same. why can't i be better at the one thing i've always been better than him at?! why does he have to win everything? and i'm moving to disney, but this is his year, just like every fucking other year. i hate jealousy... yet i feel it so deeply with him, the perfect son, and then there's me, the messy, smart-mouthed, bitch. ever think i'm this way just to get even a little attention? maybe i spent the summer in a drunken stuper because it was the only thing that made me feel even a little alive? don't you think i know how pathetic i know it is? don't you think I'm ashamed that i turned to fucking drugs to numb the pain? no it wasn't all your fault, a tiny bit had to do with Chris, but the majority lies in you. i hurt so bad, and i don't even know how to tell you, so i sit here and write in this, something you'll never see, and i'll put my mask on for tomorrow, but for now i'll cry, alone, in my room.
i hate not seeing britt. knowing i'm leaving soon, i duno... we don't have much time, and she's always too busy, and that hurts too. things i'll never say to her. so like a coward i write in this... knowing she reads. i hate when he says he'll call back and he doesn't. i hate when he doesn't answer texts. i really needed someone tonight. and he said he'd call. and he didn't. things i'll never say to him either. it hurts. it really hurts. i used to have all the hope in the world for us. but now I don't even know. and i hate it. i love him. and i hate not knowing how he feels. and it's not fair. "don't say that you love me and act like you don't, if you really love me you just gotta let me know" thats honestly how i feel. and i feel like i'm smothering felicia. like there isn't anyone else around to vent on and she gets it all, lucky thing. and i try really hard to hold back, so she doesn't feel overwhelmed... and then i just end up sitting here and crying my eyes out to this. and i call her... a lot... but sometimes, i just need a voice, someone talking back, paying attention, and caring. i don't need much, just a little. but i feel like i need too much from people, that i'm needy, clingy... i duno. maybe in florida i'll change completly and no one will recognize me when i come home, maybe pathetic amy will come back changed... maybe i'll be better... one can only hope, but i don't even know how much of that i have left.
i hate not seeing britt. knowing i'm leaving soon, i duno... we don't have much time, and she's always too busy, and that hurts too. things i'll never say to her. so like a coward i write in this... knowing she reads. i hate when he says he'll call back and he doesn't. i hate when he doesn't answer texts. i really needed someone tonight. and he said he'd call. and he didn't. things i'll never say to him either. it hurts. it really hurts. i used to have all the hope in the world for us. but now I don't even know. and i hate it. i love him. and i hate not knowing how he feels. and it's not fair. "don't say that you love me and act like you don't, if you really love me you just gotta let me know" thats honestly how i feel. and i feel like i'm smothering felicia. like there isn't anyone else around to vent on and she gets it all, lucky thing. and i try really hard to hold back, so she doesn't feel overwhelmed... and then i just end up sitting here and crying my eyes out to this. and i call her... a lot... but sometimes, i just need a voice, someone talking back, paying attention, and caring. i don't need much, just a little. but i feel like i need too much from people, that i'm needy, clingy... i duno. maybe in florida i'll change completly and no one will recognize me when i come home, maybe pathetic amy will come back changed... maybe i'll be better... one can only hope, but i don't even know how much of that i have left.