(no subject)
Well I'm feeling trapped. Sitting outside smoking my first cig in six months. My husband is kind of a boarder line alkie and I can't handle it. He doesnt care when he hurts me because he just tries to deny anything but the fact that I just have a bad attitude. Not that he could possibly hurt me... Which he doesn't care about anyway. He talks about us only having one life.,, but it's his life and quality that matter. Not mine. I have those moments of fleeing back in my thoughts. Those thoughts of immense hurt. Struggle. Control. I have no control over my own life. According to him I'm too simple to do anything anyhow. I'm nothing. I broke down and smoked. Why? I'm that weak. My weakness is over coming me. It's taking away any growth I'd had over the last few months. I'm not alive and here for his pleasure and control. But I literally have no voice. No opinion. No feelings. No happiness. I'm nothing but a bad attitude. That's all I can amount to here. I can't raise these boys on my own. But can I leave them? Will they know the difference? Please God be with me. I'm fading fast. I'm losing heart. I'm losing faith. I'm losing life and love together. Where am I?
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