Words without a sound, comin from your eyes..
I can't shake this feeling of emptiness. I was wondering the other day if wills new attitude was just him over looking all the things about me he really dislikes. He was so sweet and compassionate for about a week. He came home one night and I had left dishes in the sink and he told me the house looked good. He could see the work I was putting in and was complimenting me in numerous different ways. He seemed to look at me differently. It wasn't with that twinkle I've seen him loom at others with, but it was still in a more beautiful way than the past. But I slowly saw that fading.. And today I saw that same old look of disgust. Whenever I try to talk to him, I feel empty. I can tell most of the time he's not hearing what I'm saying, it's like he's just waiting for the opportunity to say something about himself. I may make him feel the same tho. I know sometimes he's just trying to look out for me, but he really seems to think I need help living. It makes me really sad to think he doesn't think I can live life on my own. I need help .... That's not the truth. I can't seem to shake the feeling that he thinks I'm bad at sexnow. It makes me feel timid and very insecure. Everything I've done up to this point feels wrong and I feel very empty from all those physical intimacy things. I tried reading something about thrilling your husband but I was left disappointed and empty from my efforts. When it came down to it, I didn't know how to use my sexuality. I feel very undefined in a way, but very limited. I don't feel desirable. I don't feel beautiful. What he doesn't seem to realize is he throws a lot at me to overcome. And I have to solve the problem myself. How do you become something you're not when youve had one partner your whole life. The same partner, that after 9 years tells you youre bad at it. He tells you you're bad, and then tells you he could go out and meet many girls that could sexually please him.... And has.…..... That leaves me feeling insecure. It leaves me feeling undesirable. When he doesn't even want to kiss me half the time and acts like I'm either annoying for trying or just gives me that look. We're merely coexisting... I'm expected to uphold a certain standard as a wife. From his perception I don't act like I wanna please him. What he doesn't understand is he basically told me I can't. So where do I go from here? Wth can I do to be sexy? Apparently it's all up to me to carry this sexual burden. And I'm stuck. I don't have the guts to put myself out there. I've already been and now I lose face. I can't so it. I can, I just don't know how. I'm tired of "wanna give me some sucks?" where's the romance and intimacy. It's not that I dont have the desire to please him.... Maybe I just dont feel worthy....?! How sick is that. I'm emotionally drained. I can't keep being expected to do and be everything after the things I'm told about myself. Yes I do become defeated. Yes I get hurt. But do you care? Where's your heart man? Sometimes I really wonder......
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