(no subject)
I feel very alarmed. I could have done without that whole future planning reality check episode. I stayed away from relationships for very specific reasons, the biggest being that I can't stand hurting other people. This time I told myself that that is just what relationships are, opening yourself up for something great; the alternative of that end being opening yourself up for something terrible. I told myself that although I've always known I can handle any potential pain involved in relationships, that I'm not so sure if the other party shares the same trait. So up until now, I haven't chanced it. It's not worth it and I could do without feeling like a monster again.
But as much convincing as was necessary for me to take the plunge with this girl, it wasn't enough for the can of worms that was pried open these last few days. Now I've got the weight of the girl on my shoulders again; exactly the sentiment I was trying to avoid. I feel like so much is expected of me and that if I am not serious about all of this, all I am doing is wasting time.. And I HATE that feeling. That's what it would be for her - a waste of time. For me it would be considered differently: a learning experience; great fun; a passionate fling; living. But she doesn't have that luxury for two reasons. The first is that she considers herself to be to advanced both in age and in her career for flings or trials. The second is that she has principles and convictions that would put Dagny Taggart or Howard Rowark to shame. She just expects so much from herself and from her life. She expects to be great (and she is) and expects the same from her partner. She's already told me that she thinks I am great. She even thinks that I am smarter than her (haha.. don't know how I managed to make her think that), but because of her advanced state and convictions, that's not enough. She needs me not only to be attractive, smart, and successful, but mature as well.
That is the one thing that I cannot guarantee.
I can turn into a rock of stoicism. I can be her Atlas. But is that what's best for me? Is there any enjoyment or benefit in that? The SHOULD be that SHE is my benefit, but for that to be true, I need her to love me to death and appreciate me. I need her to spoil me and reward me. I need her to compliment me, seduce me, call me, need me, WANT ME. And she may do many of these things, but I need her to do ALL of these things.
But as much convincing as was necessary for me to take the plunge with this girl, it wasn't enough for the can of worms that was pried open these last few days. Now I've got the weight of the girl on my shoulders again; exactly the sentiment I was trying to avoid. I feel like so much is expected of me and that if I am not serious about all of this, all I am doing is wasting time.. And I HATE that feeling. That's what it would be for her - a waste of time. For me it would be considered differently: a learning experience; great fun; a passionate fling; living. But she doesn't have that luxury for two reasons. The first is that she considers herself to be to advanced both in age and in her career for flings or trials. The second is that she has principles and convictions that would put Dagny Taggart or Howard Rowark to shame. She just expects so much from herself and from her life. She expects to be great (and she is) and expects the same from her partner. She's already told me that she thinks I am great. She even thinks that I am smarter than her (haha.. don't know how I managed to make her think that), but because of her advanced state and convictions, that's not enough. She needs me not only to be attractive, smart, and successful, but mature as well.
That is the one thing that I cannot guarantee.
I can turn into a rock of stoicism. I can be her Atlas. But is that what's best for me? Is there any enjoyment or benefit in that? The SHOULD be that SHE is my benefit, but for that to be true, I need her to love me to death and appreciate me. I need her to spoil me and reward me. I need her to compliment me, seduce me, call me, need me, WANT ME. And she may do many of these things, but I need her to do ALL of these things.