(no subject)
I don't even know what to think any more. I get back from camping and Leah is obviously in one of her moods again and would sooner die than talk about it.
"Nothing's wrong, Clay. I promise. You're just being silly."
But something is wrong. She didn't even get up to say hi to me when I walked in the door. Doesn't sound too horrendous, I know, but she's definitely acted happier to see me than a sloth in a cage at a zoo before. I give her a couple hours and take care of myself, washing my clothes, my sleeping bag, and my body.
"I'm not being silly, something is wrong. Tell me what it is."
After much more of that, she finally succumbs and speaks. It's about kids this time. I've written entries about this in the past. About how I'd shot myself in the foot when we used to run together and I had my defense mechanism in full swing, for some reason trying to repel her with all of my might. "Kids? No, no kids for Clay. The last thing the world needs is a bunch of little Clays running around." Comments of that nature. Now, she's concerned, and for very understandable reasons. I've portrayed myself to be an immature punk, and she knows that I can be more, but she needs verification. Her last relationship lasted for a year and was apparently pretty deep, emotionally, and only really ended when the guy admitted he didn't think he was going in the same direction as her [as far as kids and marriage are concerned]. It ended brutally and she was left with the feeling that she'd wasted an entire year because of something that could have been ironed out at the beginning, if they'd both been honest with each other.
So I tried to assure her that I was just being silly when I'd said stuff like that. I tried to convince her that I am in a transitional period of my life, but that I HAVE transitioned, and am continuing to do so perpetually. I told her that I do see myself with kids, one day. I may not like to think about it right now, because the notion is daunting, but that I'm sure that I one day will be a father. A good father.
She is also quick to remind me that she is a couple of years ahead of me in her career.
"I know where you are right now, Clay. I was there when I graduated too- not thinking about kids, just wanting to build yourself up in your career and in your money. I believe what you said about maturing and wanting kids, and I'm now confident that we're going in the same direction, but I'm wondering if we're getting there at the same speed."
She admits that she would like kids within five years, definitely before age 29, she says. She knows that I might could have waited for a later age than that..
I say some regretful things about her being silly and naive about all of this:
"Just think about what it would sound like when your friends ask you why we broke up. 'Uh, we had great fun together, were very similar ages and both had good jobs, he was smart and funny and we were both incredibly sexually attracted to each other and we loved each other dearly, but I thought that I might want kids a year or two earlier than he may want kids down the road in the event that nothing changes about either of our maturity levels and/or careers'"
It just sounds like ludicrous. Then she felt stupid and ran to her room crying, which tore me up, of course, because she's normally so stoic. She carefully explains to me that she's not expecting me to agree to some time-line or sign up for some pre-designated count of kids. She's not expecting me to be ready for these things now, or even ready to TALK about the PROSPECT of them now, she just needed to know that she wasn't going to waste years dating me if I'm not going to eventually be able to give her what she truly and desperately wants. She carefully explains that this is why she didn't want to talk about it, because she didn't want me to freak out. She knows that people don't talk about this at such an early stage of the relationship, she says, and for that she is remorseful, embarrassed and sorry. But her last boyfriend left her with wounds that she's determined never to duplicate again so long as she can help it, and her confronting me about my future plans is her "helping it". She let herself get so close to him and then it didn't work out.
"It kinda sucks having to deal with the scars that Gary left behind, Leah, but I knew about him going into this. I was aware of the caliber of relationship you two had and the potential for issues to arise in our relationship because of it. But the decision to deal with that and take you as you are is one that I made the moment I kissed you after the ball. I'm not going to stop fighting for you."
And now I just don't know what to think. I'm starting to have the very sentiments she was terrified of me having, even though she warned me not to make a big deal about this. I mean, I told her I can see myself having kids. I told her I could even see it in less than five years. But can I? How am I supposed to know that? I don't want them now, so at what point WILL I want them?? What if I never do. Or what if I do, but just not soon enough. I couldn't stand the prospect of losing her, especially not over something so silly, so I told her what she wanted to hear (well, sort of.. she kind of saw right through my affirmation). I'm confident that we are and can continue to be great for each other. But what if it gets to be a year or two from now, and we're that much closer, and I have to tell her that I still don't see myself ever having kids? It would devastate her. She is confronting me about this as a speed-bump. Or a speed-check. She is basically saying, Clay I am starting to feel very strongly about you. I am almost at the point of no turning back, emotionally. This is kind of my last chance to be sure of everything before letting myself completely release into you.
I get it. But I'm scared.
"Nothing's wrong, Clay. I promise. You're just being silly."
But something is wrong. She didn't even get up to say hi to me when I walked in the door. Doesn't sound too horrendous, I know, but she's definitely acted happier to see me than a sloth in a cage at a zoo before. I give her a couple hours and take care of myself, washing my clothes, my sleeping bag, and my body.
"I'm not being silly, something is wrong. Tell me what it is."
After much more of that, she finally succumbs and speaks. It's about kids this time. I've written entries about this in the past. About how I'd shot myself in the foot when we used to run together and I had my defense mechanism in full swing, for some reason trying to repel her with all of my might. "Kids? No, no kids for Clay. The last thing the world needs is a bunch of little Clays running around." Comments of that nature. Now, she's concerned, and for very understandable reasons. I've portrayed myself to be an immature punk, and she knows that I can be more, but she needs verification. Her last relationship lasted for a year and was apparently pretty deep, emotionally, and only really ended when the guy admitted he didn't think he was going in the same direction as her [as far as kids and marriage are concerned]. It ended brutally and she was left with the feeling that she'd wasted an entire year because of something that could have been ironed out at the beginning, if they'd both been honest with each other.
So I tried to assure her that I was just being silly when I'd said stuff like that. I tried to convince her that I am in a transitional period of my life, but that I HAVE transitioned, and am continuing to do so perpetually. I told her that I do see myself with kids, one day. I may not like to think about it right now, because the notion is daunting, but that I'm sure that I one day will be a father. A good father.
She is also quick to remind me that she is a couple of years ahead of me in her career.
"I know where you are right now, Clay. I was there when I graduated too- not thinking about kids, just wanting to build yourself up in your career and in your money. I believe what you said about maturing and wanting kids, and I'm now confident that we're going in the same direction, but I'm wondering if we're getting there at the same speed."
She admits that she would like kids within five years, definitely before age 29, she says. She knows that I might could have waited for a later age than that..
I say some regretful things about her being silly and naive about all of this:
"Just think about what it would sound like when your friends ask you why we broke up. 'Uh, we had great fun together, were very similar ages and both had good jobs, he was smart and funny and we were both incredibly sexually attracted to each other and we loved each other dearly, but I thought that I might want kids a year or two earlier than he may want kids down the road in the event that nothing changes about either of our maturity levels and/or careers'"
It just sounds like ludicrous. Then she felt stupid and ran to her room crying, which tore me up, of course, because she's normally so stoic. She carefully explains to me that she's not expecting me to agree to some time-line or sign up for some pre-designated count of kids. She's not expecting me to be ready for these things now, or even ready to TALK about the PROSPECT of them now, she just needed to know that she wasn't going to waste years dating me if I'm not going to eventually be able to give her what she truly and desperately wants. She carefully explains that this is why she didn't want to talk about it, because she didn't want me to freak out. She knows that people don't talk about this at such an early stage of the relationship, she says, and for that she is remorseful, embarrassed and sorry. But her last boyfriend left her with wounds that she's determined never to duplicate again so long as she can help it, and her confronting me about my future plans is her "helping it". She let herself get so close to him and then it didn't work out.
"It kinda sucks having to deal with the scars that Gary left behind, Leah, but I knew about him going into this. I was aware of the caliber of relationship you two had and the potential for issues to arise in our relationship because of it. But the decision to deal with that and take you as you are is one that I made the moment I kissed you after the ball. I'm not going to stop fighting for you."
And now I just don't know what to think. I'm starting to have the very sentiments she was terrified of me having, even though she warned me not to make a big deal about this. I mean, I told her I can see myself having kids. I told her I could even see it in less than five years. But can I? How am I supposed to know that? I don't want them now, so at what point WILL I want them?? What if I never do. Or what if I do, but just not soon enough. I couldn't stand the prospect of losing her, especially not over something so silly, so I told her what she wanted to hear (well, sort of.. she kind of saw right through my affirmation). I'm confident that we are and can continue to be great for each other. But what if it gets to be a year or two from now, and we're that much closer, and I have to tell her that I still don't see myself ever having kids? It would devastate her. She is confronting me about this as a speed-bump. Or a speed-check. She is basically saying, Clay I am starting to feel very strongly about you. I am almost at the point of no turning back, emotionally. This is kind of my last chance to be sure of everything before letting myself completely release into you.
I get it. But I'm scared.