(no subject)
I don’t understand them.
I hate being in this environment where I am not good enough.
As much as I hate to admit it I know now that clark was right when he’d tell me that the choices I was making were to appease my mother. I would get so offended by that. Now I know he was right. I’ve practically spent 18 years of my life trying to make her happy. I guess I had forgotten to learn what it is that makes me happy. I don’t even know what that is. I have goals.. but are my goals a representation of what I think my mother wants me to be. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’m completely exhausted by this. Just utterly tired of being wrong being stupid being not good enough.
Even saying not good enough.. is better than not being good at all at least the first denotes to some good effort.
So many high expectations that when failed to attain give way to harsh punishments.
“i am not a bad child”-- it’s something that I need to remind myself of everyday. I don’t deserve this.
I don’t deserve being called… stupid, ugly, fat, drug addict, lazy
I don’t deserve being thrown out of my house or to have my privacy completely disregarded…
To come home and witness someone riffling through your stuff because they don’t trust you should not be commonplace
To have all of your clothes thrown into a huge garbage bag.
To have to walk home from work in 100 degree weather after u’ve been on ur feet for
hrs simply because nobody bothered.
I JUST FUCKING HATE IT! i hate breaking down like this. I hate crying.
I hate it.
And I should be thankful….
Thankful to still be allowed to live here.
Thankful to have parents that care enough to belittle me day in and day out
Thankful that I am being taught to work hard.
Fuck that. Fuck them. I am DONE!
I hate being in this environment where I am not good enough.
As much as I hate to admit it I know now that clark was right when he’d tell me that the choices I was making were to appease my mother. I would get so offended by that. Now I know he was right. I’ve practically spent 18 years of my life trying to make her happy. I guess I had forgotten to learn what it is that makes me happy. I don’t even know what that is. I have goals.. but are my goals a representation of what I think my mother wants me to be. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’m completely exhausted by this. Just utterly tired of being wrong being stupid being not good enough.
Even saying not good enough.. is better than not being good at all at least the first denotes to some good effort.
So many high expectations that when failed to attain give way to harsh punishments.
“i am not a bad child”-- it’s something that I need to remind myself of everyday. I don’t deserve this.
I don’t deserve being called… stupid, ugly, fat, drug addict, lazy
I don’t deserve being thrown out of my house or to have my privacy completely disregarded…
To come home and witness someone riffling through your stuff because they don’t trust you should not be commonplace
To have all of your clothes thrown into a huge garbage bag.
To have to walk home from work in 100 degree weather after u’ve been on ur feet for
hrs simply because nobody bothered.
I JUST FUCKING HATE IT! i hate breaking down like this. I hate crying.
I hate it.
And I should be thankful….
Thankful to still be allowed to live here.
Thankful to have parents that care enough to belittle me day in and day out
Thankful that I am being taught to work hard.
Fuck that. Fuck them. I am DONE!