unsettled.
So I've been here for a month now.
I wish I could report that everything sorted itself out naturally and became hunky-dory, but instead all I can say is I'm torn. Don't get me wrong; I'm having loads of fun and making some great memories here. But for every good experience occurs a bad experience to counter it, it seems--and all the expectations held above me can easily have me feeling overwhelmed with only a moment's reflection.
Sometimes I just want to be back at home. Sometimes I'm really excited about all the possibilities for me here. Sometimes I really freaking miss Brian. Sometimes I think the food alone makes everything worth it. Sometimes I marvel at how much more appreciation I have for 24/7 Wal-Marts. Sometimes coming back to this drear and drab box of a bedroom makes me feel misplaced and imprisoned. Sometimes retail therapy helps. Sometimes I get stressed out just taking notice of the clutter of paper and clothes and general lack of floorspace around me. Sometimes I think back on the day and laugh about all the ridiculous attention I get for being a cute foreigner.
But most of the time I find myself sitting under a stormcloud of sighs and lack of motivation, forgetting about all of the things that I need to do.
I need to buy pots and pans, a water boiler, and a microwave. I need to buy a couple kanji-related things for the DS, and a webcam. I need to restock on paper towels, cups, and plates. I need to buy some drawer units and what such for storing some of this clutter properly. I need to do laundry. I need to send postcards. I need to be doing homework and studying in general when I have free time.
But I don't know how to find the motivation for it all. I want to believe I can improve my mood just by consciously taking on a more positive attitude about everything, but... I end up spending too much time by myself, which is always a recipe for (mental) disaster.
So, for now, I just surrender for the day and allow my heavy eyes to fall where they please, with the hope that I'll feel better in the morning with a whole new day ahead of me.
(But I do have many awesome things to share here still, so you can be sure to expect a happy, fun entry next time~)
I wish I could report that everything sorted itself out naturally and became hunky-dory, but instead all I can say is I'm torn. Don't get me wrong; I'm having loads of fun and making some great memories here. But for every good experience occurs a bad experience to counter it, it seems--and all the expectations held above me can easily have me feeling overwhelmed with only a moment's reflection.
Sometimes I just want to be back at home. Sometimes I'm really excited about all the possibilities for me here. Sometimes I really freaking miss Brian. Sometimes I think the food alone makes everything worth it. Sometimes I marvel at how much more appreciation I have for 24/7 Wal-Marts. Sometimes coming back to this drear and drab box of a bedroom makes me feel misplaced and imprisoned. Sometimes retail therapy helps. Sometimes I get stressed out just taking notice of the clutter of paper and clothes and general lack of floorspace around me. Sometimes I think back on the day and laugh about all the ridiculous attention I get for being a cute foreigner.
But most of the time I find myself sitting under a stormcloud of sighs and lack of motivation, forgetting about all of the things that I need to do.
I need to buy pots and pans, a water boiler, and a microwave. I need to buy a couple kanji-related things for the DS, and a webcam. I need to restock on paper towels, cups, and plates. I need to buy some drawer units and what such for storing some of this clutter properly. I need to do laundry. I need to send postcards. I need to be doing homework and studying in general when I have free time.
But I don't know how to find the motivation for it all. I want to believe I can improve my mood just by consciously taking on a more positive attitude about everything, but... I end up spending too much time by myself, which is always a recipe for (mental) disaster.
So, for now, I just surrender for the day and allow my heavy eyes to fall where they please, with the hope that I'll feel better in the morning with a whole new day ahead of me.
(But I do have many awesome things to share here still, so you can be sure to expect a happy, fun entry next time~)