the current family situation
I talked to my grandmom about Mark (my bro who got married). Funny how through all that was said between us nothing new was figured out. I'm still not sure that she understands my POV about it at all. Basically, I am completely resentful of the fact that our family is so close-minded, that the individuals in the family tend to be so sensitive, and that grudges are forged and held so easily. (By the way, when I refer to my family here I am talking about my mom's side of the family. She has 9 siblings, and the majority of them are not on speaking terms with each other.) I had written to her saying that even though Mark wasn't expecting a congrats or anything that I'm sure he wouldn't mind hearing it. She wrote back saying, "What is there to congratulate him for?" saying that that he must not have been excited about getting married or he would have said something more about it. Well, he didn't announce it, but he did make it known to myself and to my mother that he intended to marry her if all went well when they actually met. I'm not sure who else he told (beforehand), but I think that he figured that everyone had found out about it, so he didn't actually "announce" it to her. So I replied by saying, basically, that he WAS excited, but nervous about how the family would react - and lo and behold, the family is all uncertain about it and not showing support. Yes, they are worried about how things MIGHT turn out, but meanwhile their silence isn't helping things get off to a good start. Can you imagine how Tina might feel, coming into a family where no one even tries to contact her husband to be encouraging? And can you also imagine the strain that might put on a relationship? *sigh*
My family doesn't understand human behavior at all, and they especially don't understand the consequences of their own behavior. Each one of them seems to take everything so personally and not look at the whole picture. My mom was wronged by my grandmother who was wronged by my mother. My aunt Janet was wronged by my uncle who... let's just say wasn't a good uncle, and resents my grandmother for trying to help my uncle be a better person. The whole family was wronged by the Korean woman that my uncle Pat married and was wronged by. Any time one of them gets hurt by another there is little or no room for forgiveness, because the hurt, the blame, goes so deep that no one wants to let go of it. They just want to stay in their own little sects of family members that haven't hurt them as much so that 1) they don't have to own up to what things they themselves might have done wrong and 2) so that there's less chance of getting hurt again. But I guess there have just been too many times where the blame was decided to let go of that blame. Mind you, this is the behavior of nearly all of my aunts and uncles.
Ah, yes. I cannot forget to mention that from this stems the general mindset of my family that one is guilty until proven innocent. (They don't say that directly, but to hear them speak about a person that's the impression one would get.) This is because, though they want nothing but the best for their family members, they do not want to be hurt by thinking that someone is good and then finding out that they aren't. So instead, one is condemned from the start, unless they prove themselves to be good.
So when I wrote to my grandmom saying that Mark didn't say anything because he was partly worried about how the family would react, she thought that each time I wrote "the family" that I was directing a comment at her (and not at the family). She also thought that I was speaking up for Mark because he didn't want to or couldn't do it himself when in actuality I was speaking out solely from my own POV, and she took my e-mail to mean that I was blaming her for not contacting Mark. Really, all I was trying to say (in my initial e-mail) was that a little support could go a long way. But hey, since she's been hurt so many times in the past she's just going to keep quiet and hope that things go end up going well for him. Same with my mother, and same with my uncle.
Again, it is not because I have no doubts that I want to wish Mark well; it is because I believe that is the "right" thing to do. Better to wish him well and truly try to be happy for him than be miserable that he didn't do better until they prove that she's good enough for him, right?
Keep in mind that I do believe all of my family members have been hurt in some way by the other members in the family. But hurt comes with the territory of human relationships. The difference, I have found, between myself and many other people is that I know that and can therefore forgive them. But with my family, as soon as one of them gets hurt that person tends to run and hide. It's very much an adolecent strategy: the silent treatment. But it does nothing. Long-term silence does NOTHING to help mend a hurt. But for some of them, like my grandmother, that is all they have left. It is her only coping mechanism, because most of her children put the blame of their unhappy times on her, even when she tried genuinely to be nice. Yes, sometimes their gripes were justified, but other times they were just awfully ridiculous. At the same time, she blames her sons and daughters for amounting to - well, to pretty much nothing (in her opinion) - and to me that is just a terrible thing to do.
I don't mean to sound self-righteous here, but I realize that I probably do. I am not perfect, I know. I am far from it. But if I pride myself on any part of my character it is on my ability to accept people for who they are, even if I don't agree with them; just because you don't agree with them doesn't mean you have to fight them or hate them, or even stop talking with them. Especially when it comes to family, I believe that people should be more supportive.
And that's the main point of all of this.
My family doesn't understand human behavior at all, and they especially don't understand the consequences of their own behavior. Each one of them seems to take everything so personally and not look at the whole picture. My mom was wronged by my grandmother who was wronged by my mother. My aunt Janet was wronged by my uncle who... let's just say wasn't a good uncle, and resents my grandmother for trying to help my uncle be a better person. The whole family was wronged by the Korean woman that my uncle Pat married and was wronged by. Any time one of them gets hurt by another there is little or no room for forgiveness, because the hurt, the blame, goes so deep that no one wants to let go of it. They just want to stay in their own little sects of family members that haven't hurt them as much so that 1) they don't have to own up to what things they themselves might have done wrong and 2) so that there's less chance of getting hurt again. But I guess there have just been too many times where the blame was decided to let go of that blame. Mind you, this is the behavior of nearly all of my aunts and uncles.
Ah, yes. I cannot forget to mention that from this stems the general mindset of my family that one is guilty until proven innocent. (They don't say that directly, but to hear them speak about a person that's the impression one would get.) This is because, though they want nothing but the best for their family members, they do not want to be hurt by thinking that someone is good and then finding out that they aren't. So instead, one is condemned from the start, unless they prove themselves to be good.
So when I wrote to my grandmom saying that Mark didn't say anything because he was partly worried about how the family would react, she thought that each time I wrote "the family" that I was directing a comment at her (and not at the family). She also thought that I was speaking up for Mark because he didn't want to or couldn't do it himself when in actuality I was speaking out solely from my own POV, and she took my e-mail to mean that I was blaming her for not contacting Mark. Really, all I was trying to say (in my initial e-mail) was that a little support could go a long way. But hey, since she's been hurt so many times in the past she's just going to keep quiet and hope that things go end up going well for him. Same with my mother, and same with my uncle.
Again, it is not because I have no doubts that I want to wish Mark well; it is because I believe that is the "right" thing to do. Better to wish him well and truly try to be happy for him than be miserable that he didn't do better until they prove that she's good enough for him, right?
Keep in mind that I do believe all of my family members have been hurt in some way by the other members in the family. But hurt comes with the territory of human relationships. The difference, I have found, between myself and many other people is that I know that and can therefore forgive them. But with my family, as soon as one of them gets hurt that person tends to run and hide. It's very much an adolecent strategy: the silent treatment. But it does nothing. Long-term silence does NOTHING to help mend a hurt. But for some of them, like my grandmother, that is all they have left. It is her only coping mechanism, because most of her children put the blame of their unhappy times on her, even when she tried genuinely to be nice. Yes, sometimes their gripes were justified, but other times they were just awfully ridiculous. At the same time, she blames her sons and daughters for amounting to - well, to pretty much nothing (in her opinion) - and to me that is just a terrible thing to do.
I don't mean to sound self-righteous here, but I realize that I probably do. I am not perfect, I know. I am far from it. But if I pride myself on any part of my character it is on my ability to accept people for who they are, even if I don't agree with them; just because you don't agree with them doesn't mean you have to fight them or hate them, or even stop talking with them. Especially when it comes to family, I believe that people should be more supportive.
And that's the main point of all of this.