A bit of Interactive Crack...
A little ditty for timelord1 who is wonderful and amazing and writes me smutty fluff (smuff) when I'm down. Well, you get crack. Enjoy!
Many thanks to kelkat9, who_in_whoville, and xkafeix for their input and help :-D
Ummm...let's say PG...it can be a teeny bit naughty. If you squint.
Rose, Jack, and the Doctor stood together in the darkness, holding hands, drawing strength from one another in preparation for what they were about to endure.
"I can't believe we got ourselves into this mess," Rose whispered from her place between them.
The Doctor smiled at her. "Aw, c'mon, Rose, just another adventure, eh? Besides, after this we can leave!"
"Yeah, if they don't decide to boil us in acid if we stink," Jack shuddered.
The Doctor's superior senses could make out Rose's face turning pale at his words. He lifted their joined hands to his lips and brushed a kiss across her knuckles. "I won't let that happen. I promise."
Rose relaxed. "Yeah, I know. Sorry. Just nerves. Butterflies in my stomach and everything."
"You'll be brilliant," the Doctor assured her. "Just...don't forget the words. Oh, looks like we're up. Break a leg, you two. But not...you know...literally."
A curtain rose up in front of them to reveal a huge auditorium, filled with the terrifying, baby-faced aliens of Raxicoricofallipatorious.
They all took deep breaths, adjusted their top hats, and began their rehearsed interpretation of "We are Family."
We are family,
I got both my best friends with me,
We are family,
Get up ev'rybody and sing!
Rose plastered on a false smile as she started her verse.
"Ev'ryone just thinks we're together
As we walk on by
(FLY!) and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won't tell no lie
(ALL!) all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close
Just let me state for the record
I got my man and a BFF to boast!"
They repeated the chorus, including an intensely complicated dance routine involving their canes, before the Doctor sang a bit on his own.
"Living life is fun and we've just begun
To get our share of the universes's delights
(HIGH!) high hopes we have for the future
Though the timeline's not in sight! See, I can't see my own timeline," he continued talking to the beat. "And these two are two wound up in mine for the immediate future. You see, time isn't a straight line..."
"Doctor!" his two companions scolded him before Jack took over the singing.
"(WE!) no we don't get depressed
Here's what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won't go wrong
Or Rose'll drop kick your family Jewel!"
They continued singing the chorus and repeating their dance moves until the music tapered off and they were met with wild applause from the Raxicoricofallapatorians.
"Well," Rose thought. "There's no accounting for taste..."
******
"Thank you, thank you!" the Doctor hammed. "Welcome to A Very Doctor Variety Show. How are all of you tonight? Been staying away from the vingear, eh? Eh?"
"Doctor," Rose said in her bright, rehearsed voice. "That might not be very funny to our audience..."
"Yeah, Doctor!" Jack butted in, charming the crowd with his movie-star grin. "Don't be rude!"
"Ah, well, you know me!" the Doctor also directed a dashing smile to the crowd. "Rude and not ginger!"
"Ah, well," the Doctor murmured. "Looks like they didn't get it. Maybe a brilliant woman in Illinois is laughing at that one. Well, no time to linger! Off we go then!" He turned his attention back to their audience. "We've got a BRILLIANT show planned for you! Lots of song and dance and fun to be had by all!"
"So, pull up a chair, and make sure you tone down the gas exchange," Rose told them brightly. "Think of your neighbors. And I'll leave you with the Doctor and his Dummy!"
******
The Doctor sat in a wooden chair in the middle of the stage, Jack perched jauntily on his knee. "Hello!" he greeted. "I'm the Doctor and this is my dummy, Jack."
"Hey, who you calling a dummy, dummy!" Jack protested.
"Oh, Jack, I wasn't insulting your intelligence! You are, in fact a dummy! Made of wood and everything!" He pretended to knock on Jack's head, clicking his tongue to approximate the sound of wood.
"Hey!" Jack scooted his head away. "How'd you like it if I went around knockin' on your noggin'? Eh?"
The Doctor sighed.
"Why don't we just move on to our grand finale? I'm going to drink this cup of water while Jack here sings 'Row Row Row Your Boat'! You ready, Jack?"
"No," Jack retorted. "I hate that song!"
"Jack!" the Doctor hissed. "This isn't what we rehearsed!"
"Then change the song!" he hissed back. "It's stupid!"
"Wow," a Raxicoricofallapatorian whispered to the Raxicoricofallapatorian sitting next to him. "This is so realistic!"
"Oh, I know!" he replied. "Cutting edge entertainment, right here!"
Meanwhile, Jack and the Doctor compromised on "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." The Doctor drank the water while Jack warbled off a lovely little version of the tune.
The audience erupted in cheers.
"Thank you!" the Doctor said. "And now we're going to sing 'Row Row Row Your Boat'...in a round! Ready, Jack!"
"You must be outta your damn mind!" Jack got up from his knee and marched across the stage. The audience gasped.
"Wait a minute!" the Doctor asked, jumping right to the finale. "You can walk! You were never a dummy, were you?"
"Nope!" Jack turned to the audience and winked. "I just wanted your hand up my shirt!"
******
"Doctor, please," Rose groaned from her spot at the mic. "Don't make me. I can barely remember the words!"
"You'll be fine, Rose! If you forget, just...fake it!"
"SHE'S DONE IT ENOUGH TIMES IN BED! HI-YOOOOOO!" Jack shouted from somewhere backstage.
The audience chuckled as the Doctor looked insulted. "I'll have you know that my sexual prowess is outstanding, Captain Jack Harkness..."
"Doctor! Could we just get this over with?"
"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID LAST NIGHT!"
"SHUT UP, JACK!"
"Right!" Rose smiled at the audience. "I'm gonna try and sing for you all. 'S a song they used to sing at Church. 'Christ Our Lord is Risen Today'..."
The Doctor began tinkling out the melody. Rose remembered the first line and then just began mumbling the rest to the melody.
"Goodness," an audience member observed. "This is...truly imaginative. Best Saturday night in a long time!"
******
"So a TARDIS walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, man, why's your inside in a completely different dimensional location than your outside'? Ba-dum-ching!"
A catchy brass tune started playing as a comically oversized hook shot out from backstage and hooked around the Doctor's neck. "Oh, looks like my time is up! G'night, folks!"
******
Rose and the Doctor adjusted their glittering evening wear and smiled at one another.
"You really had to pick this song, didn't you?" Rose asked him.
"Aw, Rose, you act like it doesn't apply to us!"
"I never said that," Rose replied coyly. "I'm just sayin', we're not exactly Barbara Streisand and Bryan Adams..."
"Of course not, Rose! You're not even Jewish!"
And with that, they began singing the cheesiest love duet ever to be recorded, "I've Finally Found Someone."
******
"You know what, Doctor," Jack clapped a hand on his shoulder. "I love you."
"Aw, thanks for that, Jack..." He grinned.
"Oh! You want me to say it back! Jack, I can't even say it to Rose, let alone you!"
"Well, I guess we'll just have to sing it, won't we?"
They begin their own duet to "Guy Love."
An audience member wiped tears from his eye. "This is...just...I'm so emotional!"
******
"Oh, Romeo!" Rose called, slipping and sliding on her roller skates while trying to move to the thumping disco beat in the background. "Where for art thou, Romeo?"
"Rose, look out!"
The Doctor crashed into her, taking them both to the floor, while Jack saved the show by executing perfect roller-disco dance moves to wild applause.
The Doctor made a mental note to ask him about this later.
******
"God, you're sexy," Rose breathed, unable to keep her hands and lips off the Doctor in this getup.
"Yeah, I gotta say...I'm really feeling the leather pants on you, Doctor," Jack interjected.
"I gotta say, I'm going to be feeling a lot more of them before the night is out!" Rose teased, tongue caught between her lips.
"Now, Rose...much as I appreciate this...oh, ROSE! Stop it! Just remember this is our big finale. Keep it to plan or we may never get out of here."
Rose reluctantly pulled away and adjusted her own skimpy costume. "Just...you'll wear this when we get back to the TARDIS, yeah?"
The Doctor grinned. "Oh, yes. Now, off we go!"
They stepped onto the stage to thunderous applause.
"Thank you, thank you! Now, here is the moment you have all been waiting for. I, the Doctor, and my lovely assistants, Jack and Rose, will all...disappear!"
The audience gasped.
"Now, prepare to be amazed and bewild...OH MY GOSH WHAT IS THAT THING OVER THERE?!?!"
The entire crowd turned to look behind them. The Doctor, Rose, and Jack ran off the stage and towards the TARDIS.
When the audience turned back, they all gasped and began applauding madly.
"Fantastic!" one said.
"Marvelous!"
"I can't believe they did it!"
"Good show, I say! Good show!"
"Wait...what?"
******
"And that is why we will never go to Raxicoricofallapatorious again. Ever."
"Right," Jack agreed. "I'm going to get out of these sequined shorts. They're chafing like crazy."
"I think that I'm going to make out with the Doctor," Rose informed him, gripping his leather jacket that was opened over his bare torso. "A lot."
Score! the Doctor thought as Rose's lips claimed his.
Many thanks to kelkat9, who_in_whoville, and xkafeix for their input and help :-D
Ummm...let's say PG...it can be a teeny bit naughty. If you squint.
Rose, Jack, and the Doctor stood together in the darkness, holding hands, drawing strength from one another in preparation for what they were about to endure.
"I can't believe we got ourselves into this mess," Rose whispered from her place between them.
The Doctor smiled at her. "Aw, c'mon, Rose, just another adventure, eh? Besides, after this we can leave!"
"Yeah, if they don't decide to boil us in acid if we stink," Jack shuddered.
The Doctor's superior senses could make out Rose's face turning pale at his words. He lifted their joined hands to his lips and brushed a kiss across her knuckles. "I won't let that happen. I promise."
Rose relaxed. "Yeah, I know. Sorry. Just nerves. Butterflies in my stomach and everything."
"You'll be brilliant," the Doctor assured her. "Just...don't forget the words. Oh, looks like we're up. Break a leg, you two. But not...you know...literally."
A curtain rose up in front of them to reveal a huge auditorium, filled with the terrifying, baby-faced aliens of Raxicoricofallipatorious.
They all took deep breaths, adjusted their top hats, and began their rehearsed interpretation of "We are Family."
We are family,
I got both my best friends with me,
We are family,
Get up ev'rybody and sing!
Rose plastered on a false smile as she started her verse.
"Ev'ryone just thinks we're together
As we walk on by
(FLY!) and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won't tell no lie
(ALL!) all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close
Just let me state for the record
I got my man and a BFF to boast!"
They repeated the chorus, including an intensely complicated dance routine involving their canes, before the Doctor sang a bit on his own.
"Living life is fun and we've just begun
To get our share of the universes's delights
(HIGH!) high hopes we have for the future
Though the timeline's not in sight! See, I can't see my own timeline," he continued talking to the beat. "And these two are two wound up in mine for the immediate future. You see, time isn't a straight line..."
"Doctor!" his two companions scolded him before Jack took over the singing.
"(WE!) no we don't get depressed
Here's what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won't go wrong
Or Rose'll drop kick your family Jewel!"
They continued singing the chorus and repeating their dance moves until the music tapered off and they were met with wild applause from the Raxicoricofallapatorians.
"Well," Rose thought. "There's no accounting for taste..."
******
"Thank you, thank you!" the Doctor hammed. "Welcome to A Very Doctor Variety Show. How are all of you tonight? Been staying away from the vingear, eh? Eh?"
"Doctor," Rose said in her bright, rehearsed voice. "That might not be very funny to our audience..."
"Yeah, Doctor!" Jack butted in, charming the crowd with his movie-star grin. "Don't be rude!"
"Ah, well, you know me!" the Doctor also directed a dashing smile to the crowd. "Rude and not ginger!"
"Ah, well," the Doctor murmured. "Looks like they didn't get it. Maybe a brilliant woman in Illinois is laughing at that one. Well, no time to linger! Off we go then!" He turned his attention back to their audience. "We've got a BRILLIANT show planned for you! Lots of song and dance and fun to be had by all!"
"So, pull up a chair, and make sure you tone down the gas exchange," Rose told them brightly. "Think of your neighbors. And I'll leave you with the Doctor and his Dummy!"
******
The Doctor sat in a wooden chair in the middle of the stage, Jack perched jauntily on his knee. "Hello!" he greeted. "I'm the Doctor and this is my dummy, Jack."
"Hey, who you calling a dummy, dummy!" Jack protested.
"Oh, Jack, I wasn't insulting your intelligence! You are, in fact a dummy! Made of wood and everything!" He pretended to knock on Jack's head, clicking his tongue to approximate the sound of wood.
"Hey!" Jack scooted his head away. "How'd you like it if I went around knockin' on your noggin'? Eh?"
The Doctor sighed.
"Why don't we just move on to our grand finale? I'm going to drink this cup of water while Jack here sings 'Row Row Row Your Boat'! You ready, Jack?"
"No," Jack retorted. "I hate that song!"
"Jack!" the Doctor hissed. "This isn't what we rehearsed!"
"Then change the song!" he hissed back. "It's stupid!"
"Wow," a Raxicoricofallapatorian whispered to the Raxicoricofallapatorian sitting next to him. "This is so realistic!"
"Oh, I know!" he replied. "Cutting edge entertainment, right here!"
Meanwhile, Jack and the Doctor compromised on "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." The Doctor drank the water while Jack warbled off a lovely little version of the tune.
The audience erupted in cheers.
"Thank you!" the Doctor said. "And now we're going to sing 'Row Row Row Your Boat'...in a round! Ready, Jack!"
"You must be outta your damn mind!" Jack got up from his knee and marched across the stage. The audience gasped.
"Wait a minute!" the Doctor asked, jumping right to the finale. "You can walk! You were never a dummy, were you?"
"Nope!" Jack turned to the audience and winked. "I just wanted your hand up my shirt!"
******
"Doctor, please," Rose groaned from her spot at the mic. "Don't make me. I can barely remember the words!"
"You'll be fine, Rose! If you forget, just...fake it!"
"SHE'S DONE IT ENOUGH TIMES IN BED! HI-YOOOOOO!" Jack shouted from somewhere backstage.
The audience chuckled as the Doctor looked insulted. "I'll have you know that my sexual prowess is outstanding, Captain Jack Harkness..."
"Doctor! Could we just get this over with?"
"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID LAST NIGHT!"
"SHUT UP, JACK!"
"Right!" Rose smiled at the audience. "I'm gonna try and sing for you all. 'S a song they used to sing at Church. 'Christ Our Lord is Risen Today'..."
The Doctor began tinkling out the melody. Rose remembered the first line and then just began mumbling the rest to the melody.
"Goodness," an audience member observed. "This is...truly imaginative. Best Saturday night in a long time!"
******
"So a TARDIS walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, man, why's your inside in a completely different dimensional location than your outside'? Ba-dum-ching!"
A catchy brass tune started playing as a comically oversized hook shot out from backstage and hooked around the Doctor's neck. "Oh, looks like my time is up! G'night, folks!"
******
Rose and the Doctor adjusted their glittering evening wear and smiled at one another.
"You really had to pick this song, didn't you?" Rose asked him.
"Aw, Rose, you act like it doesn't apply to us!"
"I never said that," Rose replied coyly. "I'm just sayin', we're not exactly Barbara Streisand and Bryan Adams..."
"Of course not, Rose! You're not even Jewish!"
And with that, they began singing the cheesiest love duet ever to be recorded, "I've Finally Found Someone."
******
"You know what, Doctor," Jack clapped a hand on his shoulder. "I love you."
"Aw, thanks for that, Jack..." He grinned.
"Oh! You want me to say it back! Jack, I can't even say it to Rose, let alone you!"
"Well, I guess we'll just have to sing it, won't we?"
They begin their own duet to "Guy Love."
An audience member wiped tears from his eye. "This is...just...I'm so emotional!"
******
"Oh, Romeo!" Rose called, slipping and sliding on her roller skates while trying to move to the thumping disco beat in the background. "Where for art thou, Romeo?"
"Rose, look out!"
The Doctor crashed into her, taking them both to the floor, while Jack saved the show by executing perfect roller-disco dance moves to wild applause.
The Doctor made a mental note to ask him about this later.
******
"God, you're sexy," Rose breathed, unable to keep her hands and lips off the Doctor in this getup.
"Yeah, I gotta say...I'm really feeling the leather pants on you, Doctor," Jack interjected.
"I gotta say, I'm going to be feeling a lot more of them before the night is out!" Rose teased, tongue caught between her lips.
"Now, Rose...much as I appreciate this...oh, ROSE! Stop it! Just remember this is our big finale. Keep it to plan or we may never get out of here."
Rose reluctantly pulled away and adjusted her own skimpy costume. "Just...you'll wear this when we get back to the TARDIS, yeah?"
The Doctor grinned. "Oh, yes. Now, off we go!"
They stepped onto the stage to thunderous applause.
"Thank you, thank you! Now, here is the moment you have all been waiting for. I, the Doctor, and my lovely assistants, Jack and Rose, will all...disappear!"
The audience gasped.
"Now, prepare to be amazed and bewild...OH MY GOSH WHAT IS THAT THING OVER THERE?!?!"
The entire crowd turned to look behind them. The Doctor, Rose, and Jack ran off the stage and towards the TARDIS.
When the audience turned back, they all gasped and began applauding madly.
"Fantastic!" one said.
"Marvelous!"
"I can't believe they did it!"
"Good show, I say! Good show!"
"Wait...what?"
******
"And that is why we will never go to Raxicoricofallapatorious again. Ever."
"Right," Jack agreed. "I'm going to get out of these sequined shorts. They're chafing like crazy."
"I think that I'm going to make out with the Doctor," Rose informed him, gripping his leather jacket that was opened over his bare torso. "A lot."
Score! the Doctor thought as Rose's lips claimed his.