am a bad girl. again.
I don't treat him right.
I am ungrateful.
As soon as he reads this he will say "don't say that, you're great, you are you really are"
and the sad thing is I know he means it with all his heart.
He tells me I AM worthwhile and I want to cry because I need to hear those words.
It's not that I've lived a hard life or anything or have been abused, I simply need to hear that I am worthwhile. Don't we ALL, really?! I still don't quite believe it but that's why I've been meeting with Brenda, that's why I need to get up the nerve to tell her that I've been hurting myself a little. Not cutting, shit no it's just that I scratch myself I draw stars all over myself with a mechanical pencil with no lead so it leaves these white lines and then I just go over and over and over. I debated writing this, I really think it's going to scare him and I don't WANT IT TO but if I don't start saying it "out loud" then how will I be able to get fixed? Not that I'm broken, I'm NOT. I really have it better than most kids. I do I do I do. I just would like to get back to my happiness and not be such a pro at complaining. Back to him.
Why am I so bad at giving it back to him?
I know he feels happier than ever before each time he sees me (I get this rush every time he looks at me and sometimes it's so intense I can't look back at him I just have to hold onto his hand or stare at the ground and I feel his eyes on me and I feel like someone cares more than anyone else ever has and that HAS to be good, right?! yes. it is.)
but I feel like I'm using him, holding onto him so tightly because I know he would do anything for me.
I'm certainly not TRYING to use him, it's not like that.
I mean it, no lies no lies no faking, every time I touch him, try to hold him (I've only been able to hold onto him twice or maybe three times.....I sound like an ungrateful little bitch but frankly I don't NEED to be physical it's not like that it's just the holding onto another breathing person who cares cares cares and puts me first....), as he said, "you can't fake that shit." I'm not faking it.
I do appreciate him, I realize that he has plenty of girls to choose from and I'm lucky just like he's lucky that we're doing what we're doing but I just feel GUILTY ALL THE TIME. Not all the time, actually. When I touch him I'm not worried about anything. At all.
Guilty, constantly doubting. Worrying, anxious that I'm not doing right by him,
that he's way into this and I am too (it's more than just electricity that crackles across my body my whole body when I think about him or the way he looks at me, it's way more than that) I know I know it's just that......
I feel like something could be missing and it's my fault.
I need to be happy, I need to be satisfied I need to LET GO and not care what others think of me, need to not think about "what if..." and not think about graduation and just think about tomorrow.
None of this is making much sense,
I don't even know when he'll read it, because I know he checks his phone all the time like I do but I don't think he checks LJ as often as I do.
I think he knows everything I've written, I just want to know what he wants from me. And it can't just be "happiness"
because
I
want
to
do
things
for
him.
I want to stop feeling like I'm in the "higher" position of "power" in this "relationship." Not that he should control me, not that I'm controlling him now, it's just.......I feel like there should be more that he wants from me. Or is that just putting myself back into doormat form that I really don't want to be in? I don't know. I feel so NEEDY and I want
HIM
to need things.....
I know he needs me, or at least it seems like it given the way he gets so nervous and I can read his face perfectly when he looks at me with big wide open eyes that say everything.
And I need him, I must I must I MUST I can't explain it but I have to because something happened between us and even though technically not much has and there's soooo much potential there was something there 9 months ago and it must still be there.
I don't want to let go but I don't want to hold on too tight because I am so. Damn. Scared.
And I want to be taken care of, at the same time as I take care of him.
I don't feel like I'm taking care of him. Not that he needs to reassure me that I am, I just feel like there's so much MORE I could do.
I shouldn't be saying that because I have plenty of other shit to do, it's just that I'm so scared about this one because it means so much to him and I know it means something to me because YOU CAN'T FAKE THIS SHIT and my body is telling me it's home with him even though I sometimes feel like his eyes are pulling me in and I will never be able to get out.
I'm going to re-read this now.
All righty-o.
It amazes me how different "this" is, how nothing like it has happened before and I like how joyous it makes me but it is so scary. I'm embarassed by my feelings except when I am touching him. Why is that? Hmmmm......
I want to make a CD of my life, or something less cheesy sounding than that. There is so much music that gets me through every second every minute every day I'm not able to see him the way I want to see him, the days when I am not seen the way I want to be seen.
Oh-one more little thing-
those few minutes when I was in the band room, loading stands, all of that, looking ahead to being with him and being with jess my favorite ever and being back HOME I felt so good. I know I can never go back but it felt so homey. The last time I felt like I was home was sophomore year, outside the library, when the unlucky one hugged me. He and I are still friends, obviously, and nothing is there between us and hasn't been since that day, but still. I feel home when I hug Matt. Home home home home. I know that should be like saying he is my Marcus, but he isn't. And that's NOT A FUCKING BAD THING. Because if he was my Marcus, well, it would change things. A lot. With Matt just being Matt, I can just be happy with what I have. And maybe happy is the wrong word since clearly I hurt myself on my own and it is NOT because of him he needs to know that. Dammit I'm going in circles.
I want to love him more than I have for the past nine months because I feel like the way I feel about him now is..........just that.........and it seems like it's not enough. In my own world, that is. I think he sees it as enough. But I want it to be more for him..........maybe it will never be that, but if I could find out what he needs from me. Maybe then. He doesn't need to love me at all, he doesn't he doesn't because if he does then......it will hurt him when we leave each other and if he gets hurt I will NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH MYSELF because I have already hurt him bad bad bad bad and that's why I listen to I Miss You by Incubus because it is all him him him.
Now I'm going to text him and he is going to read this and he is going to call me or cry.
I am going to steel myself for being calmer and not being so needy and just living each moment until I see him, not NEEDING to see him, just needing to live until I see him.
That didn't make sense either.
And I could type for hours. I need him and that is why I hold on so tightly.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Vertical Horizon is amazing, p.s. (listen to them NOW if you never have before and you will cry and it will be beautiful)
We accept the love we think we deserve.
I am ungrateful.
As soon as he reads this he will say "don't say that, you're great, you are you really are"
and the sad thing is I know he means it with all his heart.
He tells me I AM worthwhile and I want to cry because I need to hear those words.
It's not that I've lived a hard life or anything or have been abused, I simply need to hear that I am worthwhile. Don't we ALL, really?! I still don't quite believe it but that's why I've been meeting with Brenda, that's why I need to get up the nerve to tell her that I've been hurting myself a little. Not cutting, shit no it's just that I scratch myself I draw stars all over myself with a mechanical pencil with no lead so it leaves these white lines and then I just go over and over and over. I debated writing this, I really think it's going to scare him and I don't WANT IT TO but if I don't start saying it "out loud" then how will I be able to get fixed? Not that I'm broken, I'm NOT. I really have it better than most kids. I do I do I do. I just would like to get back to my happiness and not be such a pro at complaining. Back to him.
Why am I so bad at giving it back to him?
I know he feels happier than ever before each time he sees me (I get this rush every time he looks at me and sometimes it's so intense I can't look back at him I just have to hold onto his hand or stare at the ground and I feel his eyes on me and I feel like someone cares more than anyone else ever has and that HAS to be good, right?! yes. it is.)
but I feel like I'm using him, holding onto him so tightly because I know he would do anything for me.
I'm certainly not TRYING to use him, it's not like that.
I mean it, no lies no lies no faking, every time I touch him, try to hold him (I've only been able to hold onto him twice or maybe three times.....I sound like an ungrateful little bitch but frankly I don't NEED to be physical it's not like that it's just the holding onto another breathing person who cares cares cares and puts me first....), as he said, "you can't fake that shit." I'm not faking it.
I do appreciate him, I realize that he has plenty of girls to choose from and I'm lucky just like he's lucky that we're doing what we're doing but I just feel GUILTY ALL THE TIME. Not all the time, actually. When I touch him I'm not worried about anything. At all.
Guilty, constantly doubting. Worrying, anxious that I'm not doing right by him,
that he's way into this and I am too (it's more than just electricity that crackles across my body my whole body when I think about him or the way he looks at me, it's way more than that) I know I know it's just that......
I feel like something could be missing and it's my fault.
I need to be happy, I need to be satisfied I need to LET GO and not care what others think of me, need to not think about "what if..." and not think about graduation and just think about tomorrow.
None of this is making much sense,
I don't even know when he'll read it, because I know he checks his phone all the time like I do but I don't think he checks LJ as often as I do.
I think he knows everything I've written, I just want to know what he wants from me. And it can't just be "happiness"
because
I
want
to
do
things
for
him.
I want to stop feeling like I'm in the "higher" position of "power" in this "relationship." Not that he should control me, not that I'm controlling him now, it's just.......I feel like there should be more that he wants from me. Or is that just putting myself back into doormat form that I really don't want to be in? I don't know. I feel so NEEDY and I want
HIM
to need things.....
I know he needs me, or at least it seems like it given the way he gets so nervous and I can read his face perfectly when he looks at me with big wide open eyes that say everything.
And I need him, I must I must I MUST I can't explain it but I have to because something happened between us and even though technically not much has and there's soooo much potential there was something there 9 months ago and it must still be there.
I don't want to let go but I don't want to hold on too tight because I am so. Damn. Scared.
And I want to be taken care of, at the same time as I take care of him.
I don't feel like I'm taking care of him. Not that he needs to reassure me that I am, I just feel like there's so much MORE I could do.
I shouldn't be saying that because I have plenty of other shit to do, it's just that I'm so scared about this one because it means so much to him and I know it means something to me because YOU CAN'T FAKE THIS SHIT and my body is telling me it's home with him even though I sometimes feel like his eyes are pulling me in and I will never be able to get out.
I'm going to re-read this now.
All righty-o.
It amazes me how different "this" is, how nothing like it has happened before and I like how joyous it makes me but it is so scary. I'm embarassed by my feelings except when I am touching him. Why is that? Hmmmm......
I want to make a CD of my life, or something less cheesy sounding than that. There is so much music that gets me through every second every minute every day I'm not able to see him the way I want to see him, the days when I am not seen the way I want to be seen.
Oh-one more little thing-
those few minutes when I was in the band room, loading stands, all of that, looking ahead to being with him and being with jess my favorite ever and being back HOME I felt so good. I know I can never go back but it felt so homey. The last time I felt like I was home was sophomore year, outside the library, when the unlucky one hugged me. He and I are still friends, obviously, and nothing is there between us and hasn't been since that day, but still. I feel home when I hug Matt. Home home home home. I know that should be like saying he is my Marcus, but he isn't. And that's NOT A FUCKING BAD THING. Because if he was my Marcus, well, it would change things. A lot. With Matt just being Matt, I can just be happy with what I have. And maybe happy is the wrong word since clearly I hurt myself on my own and it is NOT because of him he needs to know that. Dammit I'm going in circles.
I want to love him more than I have for the past nine months because I feel like the way I feel about him now is..........just that.........and it seems like it's not enough. In my own world, that is. I think he sees it as enough. But I want it to be more for him..........maybe it will never be that, but if I could find out what he needs from me. Maybe then. He doesn't need to love me at all, he doesn't he doesn't because if he does then......it will hurt him when we leave each other and if he gets hurt I will NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH MYSELF because I have already hurt him bad bad bad bad and that's why I listen to I Miss You by Incubus because it is all him him him.
Now I'm going to text him and he is going to read this and he is going to call me or cry.
I am going to steel myself for being calmer and not being so needy and just living each moment until I see him, not NEEDING to see him, just needing to live until I see him.
That didn't make sense either.
And I could type for hours. I need him and that is why I hold on so tightly.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Vertical Horizon is amazing, p.s. (listen to them NOW if you never have before and you will cry and it will be beautiful)
We accept the love we think we deserve.