66.6 - Can I ask you something?
[ooc: Don referred to is don_flack, and is used without permission but tons and tons of love! Takes place in her New York's Finest!verse, when she's undercover.]
"Can I ask you something?"
I frown at this. She's always asking me something, with or without my permission. How is this question going to be any different. Because, let's face it, starting off a question with that can never mean anything good.
She can sense my hesitance. I can tell by the look on her face, but she's not backing off. "Sure," I nod finally, knowing she won't let up with her question with or without my permission. I just hope it's nothing too horrifying, nothing that will have me wanting to find myself another shrink. "Sure," I repeat, confirming this with a nod.
She places her clipboard on the coffee table as she stands up. Usually, I'm the one standing up. Usually, I'm the one moving about and pacing and worrying. Usually...
Here I sit tonight, in my therapists office for the first time in weeks, for the first time since starting this undercover operation. For the first time in a long time, I'm Alexis Russo, NYPD detective.
"Your current case..."
The case... My chest rises and falls for a few silent moments, and I bite my lip. She doesn't know the details. She doesn't know about the night I was roofied a few weeks back, she doesn't know about the beating I took, thanks to a magic hand when applying my makeup. All she knows is that I'm not myself, that I'm some stripper in some club for some case. She knows it's for the same case I was involved in a few years ago. She knows this case is the reason I've been missing my appointments. Everything else is not known, though.
She leans back against the wall, one leg bent at the knee. "Does he know all about it?"
Not everything, no. But do I wanna tell her that? Absolutely not. Instead, I nod. A lie - I hate lying. But I do what I have to do. "Yea, he knows."
"Has he tried to fix you?" She switches directions now, changing the subject for the moment. Wanting to get a reaction out of me. I know, because it's working.
I exhale sharply, biting my lip. "He doesn't need to fix me!" I say finally, an edge to my tone. I don't need to be fixed. I don't need to be fixed, especially by my boyfriend. I stand up, walking over to her desk, my expression offering up my frustration.
"You didn't tell him all of it," she frowns, backing up to my earlier lie about him knowing everything. "You're not telling me everything. That's why he hasn't tried fixing you. He doesn't know everything..."
I'm not sure if she's talking about this case or what happened years and years ago. Either way, she's right. Not that I'll let her know that. "He knows what he needs to know." I narrow my eyes for a moment. I don't like this conversation at all.
"You don't want him to know because you're afraid if he knows everything, then he'll try and fix you. You don't want him to fix you."
I start pacing, trying not to let my temper get the best of me. I stop in front of her finally. "Yea, well, I'm not broken," I state, crossing my arms. "I'm not broken. He doesn't need to know, and he sure as hell doesn't need to try and fix me. Because I'm. Not. Broken."
She doesn't back down. I respect her for that. "If he knew about what happened in college, he'd have fought harder to keep you from doing this undercover operation. He doesn't know about that night, he doesn't know about everything now." She watches as I step back, and she moves back to her seat. "You don't wanna see yourself as weak and broken."
"I'm not," I insist, narrowing my eyes. "I'm not weak. And I'm not broken. Got it? NOT BROKEN!"
She nods. I've made this clear. I know she knows that I'm not broken, too. But she knows that I don't know if Don will think I'm broken if I tell him any of this. "You need to tell him," she says quietly. "Don't get me wrong, he may want to try and fix you. You just... hafta make it clear that you don't need fixing."
"I can't," I whisper. I can't tell him about college. And I sure as hell can't tell him about what's been happening with the case.
"You want this to work, then you need to tell him. At least about what happened awhile back. Take it a step at a time. And when things seem right, that's when you can tell him about the case." She doesn't mention telling her - she knows I can't. Not now, at least. Not because I don't want to, but because I actually can't.
I nod.
"I need to tell him..."
Muse: Alexis Russo
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU (Original Character)
Word Count: 812
"Can I ask you something?"
I frown at this. She's always asking me something, with or without my permission. How is this question going to be any different. Because, let's face it, starting off a question with that can never mean anything good.
She can sense my hesitance. I can tell by the look on her face, but she's not backing off. "Sure," I nod finally, knowing she won't let up with her question with or without my permission. I just hope it's nothing too horrifying, nothing that will have me wanting to find myself another shrink. "Sure," I repeat, confirming this with a nod.
She places her clipboard on the coffee table as she stands up. Usually, I'm the one standing up. Usually, I'm the one moving about and pacing and worrying. Usually...
Here I sit tonight, in my therapists office for the first time in weeks, for the first time since starting this undercover operation. For the first time in a long time, I'm Alexis Russo, NYPD detective.
"Your current case..."
The case... My chest rises and falls for a few silent moments, and I bite my lip. She doesn't know the details. She doesn't know about the night I was roofied a few weeks back, she doesn't know about the beating I took, thanks to a magic hand when applying my makeup. All she knows is that I'm not myself, that I'm some stripper in some club for some case. She knows it's for the same case I was involved in a few years ago. She knows this case is the reason I've been missing my appointments. Everything else is not known, though.
She leans back against the wall, one leg bent at the knee. "Does he know all about it?"
Not everything, no. But do I wanna tell her that? Absolutely not. Instead, I nod. A lie - I hate lying. But I do what I have to do. "Yea, he knows."
"Has he tried to fix you?" She switches directions now, changing the subject for the moment. Wanting to get a reaction out of me. I know, because it's working.
I exhale sharply, biting my lip. "He doesn't need to fix me!" I say finally, an edge to my tone. I don't need to be fixed. I don't need to be fixed, especially by my boyfriend. I stand up, walking over to her desk, my expression offering up my frustration.
"You didn't tell him all of it," she frowns, backing up to my earlier lie about him knowing everything. "You're not telling me everything. That's why he hasn't tried fixing you. He doesn't know everything..."
I'm not sure if she's talking about this case or what happened years and years ago. Either way, she's right. Not that I'll let her know that. "He knows what he needs to know." I narrow my eyes for a moment. I don't like this conversation at all.
"You don't want him to know because you're afraid if he knows everything, then he'll try and fix you. You don't want him to fix you."
I start pacing, trying not to let my temper get the best of me. I stop in front of her finally. "Yea, well, I'm not broken," I state, crossing my arms. "I'm not broken. He doesn't need to know, and he sure as hell doesn't need to try and fix me. Because I'm. Not. Broken."
She doesn't back down. I respect her for that. "If he knew about what happened in college, he'd have fought harder to keep you from doing this undercover operation. He doesn't know about that night, he doesn't know about everything now." She watches as I step back, and she moves back to her seat. "You don't wanna see yourself as weak and broken."
"I'm not," I insist, narrowing my eyes. "I'm not weak. And I'm not broken. Got it? NOT BROKEN!"
She nods. I've made this clear. I know she knows that I'm not broken, too. But she knows that I don't know if Don will think I'm broken if I tell him any of this. "You need to tell him," she says quietly. "Don't get me wrong, he may want to try and fix you. You just... hafta make it clear that you don't need fixing."
"I can't," I whisper. I can't tell him about college. And I sure as hell can't tell him about what's been happening with the case.
"You want this to work, then you need to tell him. At least about what happened awhile back. Take it a step at a time. And when things seem right, that's when you can tell him about the case." She doesn't mention telling her - she knows I can't. Not now, at least. Not because I don't want to, but because I actually can't.
I nod.
"I need to tell him..."
Muse: Alexis Russo
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU (Original Character)
Word Count: 812