"Dear Diary, Sorry I Forgot You"
Today was a day of great importance. Today I decided to purge myself of all the ancient emails filling my account and start new and fresh. That is, I planned on starting new and fresh until I realized the humor in some of the emails. Oh they were not funny in the typical comical sense, but instead the sheer nature of this mass amount of blabbering amused me. Many were filled with naive and childish musing and others were from sites long forgotten. Which brings me to LiveJournal, a site I have not bothered glancing at since the end of 2005. I was very tempted to simply delete this journal, to erase it from internet memory as thoroughly as it had been erased from mine. However, finding the "delete journal" button at 12:30 in the morning seems to be an impossible task for my mind and instead I decided to take it as some ridiculous sign to write up a journal entry.
Now, I have never been very successful with a LiveJournal or any form of journal in general. I remember trying to keep a diary back in grade school when it was the "popular" thing to do. My diary was most likely the dullest writing ever put onto paper and yet I dutifully would lock it's cheap little lock, place the key into my secure little wooden lockable jewelry box, and place the diary under my bed. Every night I would close my door, unlock the little box with the key hidden under one of my books, pull the diary out and unlock it. With my pen poised in the air, I was ready to write to this unknown audience all about my day, tell them all how exciting it was, fill them in on every little detail of my all important life. Ah, but there was the problem. My life, especially at the age of 9, was about as interesting as watching a snail cross the sidewalk. Actually, the snail may have been more interesting as it was risking its life against terrible children with magnifying glasses and boxes with holes poked in the top. My life involved two things: school and home. Neither provided many interesting topics in which to write. But if you knew me as a child this did not matter, I had to continue with this all important goal of achieving the impossible - writing a diary worthy of being stolen by a snooping relative or friend, because that was the only reason to write a diary after all! I unfortunately did not realize that I was supposed to make it easy for someone to find and read my diary. Instead I made sure to set up a three tier security system - first key, second key, hiding spot. Of course, my system was bound to fail one day, and it did. Unfortunately for me it failed against me. You see, I lost that first key to my little wooden security box. I still have the box to this day, sitting unopened on my dresser mocking me with its contents. Almost 14 years and a move later and I still have not been able to locate that old key, or figure out a way to break open the box without ruining it, as I really do think it quite pretty.
And so you see, there ended my first attempt at an all important diary. Oh I would try again, do not fear. I wrote about how I liked school, how I enjoyed the latest book I read, and what the gossip at school was all about and who was fighting with who. It sounds like it should have been interesting right? Sadly, wrong. I realize now that back during these attempts I had the writing style and talent of a 10 year old. Of course this should come as no surprise as I was 10, but it was rather disappointing to find out that one was average and dull, not only in your life but in how you write about it as well.
So with a heavy heart I gave up writing a journal or diary of any kind. At least until this new phenomenon decided to show its ugly head. Yes, I am talking about this very journal site. All the rage it was back in the early 2000s, high schoolers signing up left and write to whine about how this boy did not like them or this girl saw right through them. Now do not get me wrong, I jumped right on this bandwagon and when it was popular to whine and complain I found things to complain about, when it was popular to be energetic and peppy that is exactly what I did. So instead of a journal about my life it became a mood swinging novel with multiple personalities. And then you toss in the bragging rights of how many quizzes one could post up a week and you had an entirely new area to explore and conquer.
Through it all everyone commented on each other's posts, helping each other or mocking each other. It did not matter what was said, truly all that mattered was the friend count of your journal and if it was being read by others. And then as I was thinking about it today I realized something.
LiveJournal changed the very NATURE of journal writing. Remember that diary I mentioned earlier? Hiding it, keeping it from other's eyes until they snooped it out and secretly read it...that was the draw of writing that journal. Of writing something that would make someone show they cared enough about what you said to tear your room apart from floor to ceiling just to find that cheesy little book with your pre-teen ramblings in it. LiveJournal took away that challenge. You want to read someone's journal? Add them as a friend. Where is the challenge in that? I don't even remember the private option back when it started. If it was there no one used it and no one wanted to even bother with security options. Your words were there, out in the open, for complete strangers to read...
...and dear god were the words boring. I am sure there were some brilliant writers out there who knew exactly what they wanted to say. I am sure some of my friends' journals actually interested me at the time because there were inside jokes and funny musings that only a friend would understand. And yet, looking back at them 5 years later all I wanted to do was find the delete button or hide them from all eyes but mine. In the end I hid them. Even these nonsensical ramblings are writings of mine and they remind me that I should be content with who I am and not blow in the breeze with the next fad or all important hobby.
Tonight I am writing this not to promise I will keep writing, as I used to do that quite often enough and never follow through. Instead tonight I was spurred on by the very humorous find of a long lost fad, one that I had tried so hard to fit into and one that I failed miserably. You see, I was never much of a writer when given a blank box or page and told to simply write. Give me a prompt and I can go on for pages. And tonight I got the lovely prompt in my head to share this ridiculous experience of finding something that sort of feels like an old friend. You know the kind of friend who you used to tell everything to but who you haven't spoken to in years now, one who's information about you is so horribly out of date you doubt that they would even recognize you if they passed you on the street.
And so here I close my first journal entry in 5 years. How shall I sign this? xoxo? No, too 'pop culture' for my liking. Talk to you soon? Nonsense as everyone knows it is not true. So instead I bid you farewell until next we meet. Maybe it will be tomorrow maybe next year but when I once again have the urge to purge my mind into a little flickering box you can all be assured I will come running back to this site...as long as I can remember my blasted password and name. You see, LJ did exactly what my diary did all those years ago - locked me out of my own words. Hell...maybe things haven't truly changed all that much.
Now, I have never been very successful with a LiveJournal or any form of journal in general. I remember trying to keep a diary back in grade school when it was the "popular" thing to do. My diary was most likely the dullest writing ever put onto paper and yet I dutifully would lock it's cheap little lock, place the key into my secure little wooden lockable jewelry box, and place the diary under my bed. Every night I would close my door, unlock the little box with the key hidden under one of my books, pull the diary out and unlock it. With my pen poised in the air, I was ready to write to this unknown audience all about my day, tell them all how exciting it was, fill them in on every little detail of my all important life. Ah, but there was the problem. My life, especially at the age of 9, was about as interesting as watching a snail cross the sidewalk. Actually, the snail may have been more interesting as it was risking its life against terrible children with magnifying glasses and boxes with holes poked in the top. My life involved two things: school and home. Neither provided many interesting topics in which to write. But if you knew me as a child this did not matter, I had to continue with this all important goal of achieving the impossible - writing a diary worthy of being stolen by a snooping relative or friend, because that was the only reason to write a diary after all! I unfortunately did not realize that I was supposed to make it easy for someone to find and read my diary. Instead I made sure to set up a three tier security system - first key, second key, hiding spot. Of course, my system was bound to fail one day, and it did. Unfortunately for me it failed against me. You see, I lost that first key to my little wooden security box. I still have the box to this day, sitting unopened on my dresser mocking me with its contents. Almost 14 years and a move later and I still have not been able to locate that old key, or figure out a way to break open the box without ruining it, as I really do think it quite pretty.
And so you see, there ended my first attempt at an all important diary. Oh I would try again, do not fear. I wrote about how I liked school, how I enjoyed the latest book I read, and what the gossip at school was all about and who was fighting with who. It sounds like it should have been interesting right? Sadly, wrong. I realize now that back during these attempts I had the writing style and talent of a 10 year old. Of course this should come as no surprise as I was 10, but it was rather disappointing to find out that one was average and dull, not only in your life but in how you write about it as well.
So with a heavy heart I gave up writing a journal or diary of any kind. At least until this new phenomenon decided to show its ugly head. Yes, I am talking about this very journal site. All the rage it was back in the early 2000s, high schoolers signing up left and write to whine about how this boy did not like them or this girl saw right through them. Now do not get me wrong, I jumped right on this bandwagon and when it was popular to whine and complain I found things to complain about, when it was popular to be energetic and peppy that is exactly what I did. So instead of a journal about my life it became a mood swinging novel with multiple personalities. And then you toss in the bragging rights of how many quizzes one could post up a week and you had an entirely new area to explore and conquer.
Through it all everyone commented on each other's posts, helping each other or mocking each other. It did not matter what was said, truly all that mattered was the friend count of your journal and if it was being read by others. And then as I was thinking about it today I realized something.
LiveJournal changed the very NATURE of journal writing. Remember that diary I mentioned earlier? Hiding it, keeping it from other's eyes until they snooped it out and secretly read it...that was the draw of writing that journal. Of writing something that would make someone show they cared enough about what you said to tear your room apart from floor to ceiling just to find that cheesy little book with your pre-teen ramblings in it. LiveJournal took away that challenge. You want to read someone's journal? Add them as a friend. Where is the challenge in that? I don't even remember the private option back when it started. If it was there no one used it and no one wanted to even bother with security options. Your words were there, out in the open, for complete strangers to read...
...and dear god were the words boring. I am sure there were some brilliant writers out there who knew exactly what they wanted to say. I am sure some of my friends' journals actually interested me at the time because there were inside jokes and funny musings that only a friend would understand. And yet, looking back at them 5 years later all I wanted to do was find the delete button or hide them from all eyes but mine. In the end I hid them. Even these nonsensical ramblings are writings of mine and they remind me that I should be content with who I am and not blow in the breeze with the next fad or all important hobby.
Tonight I am writing this not to promise I will keep writing, as I used to do that quite often enough and never follow through. Instead tonight I was spurred on by the very humorous find of a long lost fad, one that I had tried so hard to fit into and one that I failed miserably. You see, I was never much of a writer when given a blank box or page and told to simply write. Give me a prompt and I can go on for pages. And tonight I got the lovely prompt in my head to share this ridiculous experience of finding something that sort of feels like an old friend. You know the kind of friend who you used to tell everything to but who you haven't spoken to in years now, one who's information about you is so horribly out of date you doubt that they would even recognize you if they passed you on the street.
And so here I close my first journal entry in 5 years. How shall I sign this? xoxo? No, too 'pop culture' for my liking. Talk to you soon? Nonsense as everyone knows it is not true. So instead I bid you farewell until next we meet. Maybe it will be tomorrow maybe next year but when I once again have the urge to purge my mind into a little flickering box you can all be assured I will come running back to this site...as long as I can remember my blasted password and name. You see, LJ did exactly what my diary did all those years ago - locked me out of my own words. Hell...maybe things haven't truly changed all that much.