we're never going home
when i got put on anti-depressants for the first time, over two years ago now, i stopped taking them after about three weeks. something like that. i never went back to the doctor. i got out of the really dangerous and destructive place i was in, sure. but the doctor i'm seeing now suggests that by ending my course of medication early i might have never actually fully recovered from that first bout of depression.
and now i can really see how that might be the case. this kind of clarity is somewhat alien to me. i am motivated, engaged, appropriately positive. i experience sadness without spiralling into self-loathing. i do an enormous amount of work for uni, and i really enjoy it. i like my life. and that's something i've never really been able to say for a good while. not that i didn't have fun, and i appreciated all my friends and such. but i was always clouded in ambivalence, apathy, confusion. i couldn't look at my life and think, yeah, this is good.
not that i've got it all figured out. i could do with not being single, but i'm not going to stress about it. there have been a few oppurtunities over the last few months; yeah they didn't pan out, but it's encouraging. and currently the day-to-day process of studying, talking, reading, drinking, laughing and BEING is really great. so that would be more something that would be lovely if it happened, but isn't vital to my functioning as a healthy, productive (odd that those terms go together) human being.
me? posting an unambiguously positive livejournal entry? who'd have thought it? i almost feel like i should end on a bitter note, for old times' sake. but i can't do it.
love you x
and now i can really see how that might be the case. this kind of clarity is somewhat alien to me. i am motivated, engaged, appropriately positive. i experience sadness without spiralling into self-loathing. i do an enormous amount of work for uni, and i really enjoy it. i like my life. and that's something i've never really been able to say for a good while. not that i didn't have fun, and i appreciated all my friends and such. but i was always clouded in ambivalence, apathy, confusion. i couldn't look at my life and think, yeah, this is good.
not that i've got it all figured out. i could do with not being single, but i'm not going to stress about it. there have been a few oppurtunities over the last few months; yeah they didn't pan out, but it's encouraging. and currently the day-to-day process of studying, talking, reading, drinking, laughing and BEING is really great. so that would be more something that would be lovely if it happened, but isn't vital to my functioning as a healthy, productive (odd that those terms go together) human being.
me? posting an unambiguously positive livejournal entry? who'd have thought it? i almost feel like i should end on a bitter note, for old times' sake. but i can't do it.
love you x