bottled and shelved
So I have been slipping into one of my renown depression modes. Sad, considering that Christmas is coming and that I should be more cheerful than ever.
That whole situation with my girlies has still been bothering me. The bit about how I have changed. Yea, so maybe I have. You have too. Is that so bad? Is it? I have gotten some messages and a couple of calls from them, asking how I am and if I am okay. I do not even feel like talking to them about what's going on with me or my life. I should be like, "To hell with you. Judge me. See if I care." The thing is, sometimes I do care. Too much for my own good, in fact. It is not worth it to be scrutinized and hurt by the ones you seemingly love / the ones who claim to love you back. Who's got my back now?
Brian was going into overrdrive the other day. He had papers to get done and work to finish off before the end of the semester. I was proud of him for working so hard, even though he should have gotten these things done earlier. When we were walking out of class, he turns to me and says that he still has a paper or two to do. And then he goes on to say, "You know what I really want? I want to get high." Just like that. Is that what all of your work amounts to? Getting high? It just frustrates me. He lacks drive, motivation and passion. It makes me wonder. I was even at the verge of breaking up with him. What do we really have in common? His ideals and standings are way off base from mine or whatever lonely convictions that I try to hold onto. He can just get so...so...grrrr.
I do not want to be mopey or over dramatic, but the other kids have noticed. My NEU friends, that is. Jessica Maria has been spending almost every (literally) waking moment with Alan. She's been sleeping over there a lot, so no one has really been around to see me and the way I am. I was hoping to continue this avoidance, but she caught me and saw how off I am. Kitty-Kat has been checking up on me. She is nice. I like talking to her because she will sit and listen, not cutting me off when I speak. It is not like I am dying for attention. I just want my balance of people and loner time.
I felt like I had to get out. I could not stand being around the same four walls anymore. I did not see Brian yesterday, so I decided to stop by his room to tell him that I was leaving for home. The bum was still in bed. As much as his tendencies bother me, when he holds me, I just feel better. He asked me what was wrong, but I did not want to say. I did not want to let go. He makes smile. Even though he may not be the one for me, I think that he is still something that I need for now. Sometimes there is a flicker of a moment and then I remember what it was like to be happy. I have not been honestly and fully happy in a long time. Scary, but true. I do not think that I have been really happy since I was with Nate, in the secure confines of Weymouth High School with all of my friends, and home. That was like a lifetime ago. Maybe I will make a new life one day. We will see.
We are too young to not believe that it is all going to be okay.
That whole situation with my girlies has still been bothering me. The bit about how I have changed. Yea, so maybe I have. You have too. Is that so bad? Is it? I have gotten some messages and a couple of calls from them, asking how I am and if I am okay. I do not even feel like talking to them about what's going on with me or my life. I should be like, "To hell with you. Judge me. See if I care." The thing is, sometimes I do care. Too much for my own good, in fact. It is not worth it to be scrutinized and hurt by the ones you seemingly love / the ones who claim to love you back. Who's got my back now?
Brian was going into overrdrive the other day. He had papers to get done and work to finish off before the end of the semester. I was proud of him for working so hard, even though he should have gotten these things done earlier. When we were walking out of class, he turns to me and says that he still has a paper or two to do. And then he goes on to say, "You know what I really want? I want to get high." Just like that. Is that what all of your work amounts to? Getting high? It just frustrates me. He lacks drive, motivation and passion. It makes me wonder. I was even at the verge of breaking up with him. What do we really have in common? His ideals and standings are way off base from mine or whatever lonely convictions that I try to hold onto. He can just get so...so...grrrr.
I do not want to be mopey or over dramatic, but the other kids have noticed. My NEU friends, that is. Jessica Maria has been spending almost every (literally) waking moment with Alan. She's been sleeping over there a lot, so no one has really been around to see me and the way I am. I was hoping to continue this avoidance, but she caught me and saw how off I am. Kitty-Kat has been checking up on me. She is nice. I like talking to her because she will sit and listen, not cutting me off when I speak. It is not like I am dying for attention. I just want my balance of people and loner time.
I felt like I had to get out. I could not stand being around the same four walls anymore. I did not see Brian yesterday, so I decided to stop by his room to tell him that I was leaving for home. The bum was still in bed. As much as his tendencies bother me, when he holds me, I just feel better. He asked me what was wrong, but I did not want to say. I did not want to let go. He makes smile. Even though he may not be the one for me, I think that he is still something that I need for now. Sometimes there is a flicker of a moment and then I remember what it was like to be happy. I have not been honestly and fully happy in a long time. Scary, but true. I do not think that I have been really happy since I was with Nate, in the secure confines of Weymouth High School with all of my friends, and home. That was like a lifetime ago. Maybe I will make a new life one day. We will see.
We are too young to not believe that it is all going to be okay.