2004 = @))$ with the Shift Key Depressed
last new year's eve i went to the lord fox with my mom and dad then with the farras to gratzi and la dolce vita. at midnight we were in the farra's basement watching tv.... me fan faff and kevin. debate was still this huge looming sickening black storm cloud.... it was like that until my birthday, come to think of it. all i did was hang out at the farra's. and hate my stupid schedule.
i remember the spring of this past year mainly for that blue hoodie i wore EVERY SINGLE DAY straight for at least two months.... the navy blue terry zip-up sweatshirt i bought for $2 at value world and wore eevery single day. i hated my classes and i would always look to the sweatshirt for solace. i remember that i wore uncomfortable pants when i took the ap english exam and there were red marks on my hips for three days afterwards.
i remember working a little bit in march and april... that was when i started losing weight i guess. i would only work out two days a week or so because i was always tired and depressed. then school ended... i don't recall any specific or strong emotions surrounding this monumentous event in my young life. considering how much i hated school, it would be logical to assume that this was unnatural. all that i remember is chastizing myself for myself for being so ambivalent about eeverything.
may and june memories are different in that they're all blurry and hot. i remember the yellow snack bar and my ugly tye-dyed uniform, heat, black pants in the middle of the summer, feeling fat, frustrated depressed, and rich. i always used to look at my neck and my knees. all i ever did was work and work out since faff and fan were gone and i had virtually nothing else to do.
july and august i worked even more.... i remember a lot of rain, a lot of boredom, and a lot of money. housesitting in august was important. obsession with prince and finn.... the dirty electrician from american idols live. well.... it was the glasses that did it. theo... he used to scratch the wall above the litterbox.
september was keane and I-96 and rolling down the windows.... then ramzi. ramzi ramzi ramzi.
all of a sudden it was october and i was in to ann arbor, hired at ciao, quitting liberty, obsessively and deeply involved with ramzi, and moving into sheree's house.... i had bad feelings about everything. i knew her motives. i knew that i was going to get screwed over by her, by ramzi, by everything... october succumbed to the infatuation wwith ramzi... work class and nausea.... i remember her shower. the shower always made me feel sick no matter how much i scrubbed with bleach.
november was the worst. everything crashed.... nov 2nd..... bush. nov 4th.... death of my innocence. nov 5th.... kate's exacerbation. swedish medical. neurologists. lilly with her father. me powerless as my life fell apart. the next weeks.... trixie's exacerbation. heartbreak. mom wanting to die... me more lonely than i ever could have imagined anyone could be. lonely in the truest sense.... having not just a lack of people, but people who would watch you die in the street because they just didn't give a shit about you.
then having to move out. nov 20th i escaped and was homeless. homeless, again, in the truest sense of the word: not just lacking a place to live, but having multiple places to live, all of which make you feel threatened. the kind of hopelessness that no one could possibly imagine.
my only solace being ee cummings and clutching faded papers in my hand througout the dreary afternoons.... being told i'm too young for such emotion.... the comfort of hot water and friends somehow not being enough.
then just before moving in.... december. the worst and most important night of 2004.... november 30th/dec 1st. death of so many abstract things inside of me. jackknifed trailers.... tears... phone calls..... numbness. the ground being pulled out from under me....
then this apartment... bless this place... ciao again... life again, slowly emerging. different kind of loneliness.
the end of sschool.... working all the time... and sean. how so much happened in december i don't know. i do know that everything had the significance of entire years of my life prior to this one.... and what 2005 will bring i can't say. this kind of middling solitude is acceptable.... because i tasted the alternative and it was bitter in the end.
i'll toast quiet, i'll toast rain and streetlights and green. i'll toast work and study and music and reflection. i'll just be emily, in all of her idiosyncratic quirky bumbling boring glory-ish attitude. i suppose that in the end it's more difficult to hide from oneself than to "face the music" (i apologize)and attempt to deal with each moment for what it is.
still need to find a roomate and a good place to get my eyebrows waxed.
i remember the spring of this past year mainly for that blue hoodie i wore EVERY SINGLE DAY straight for at least two months.... the navy blue terry zip-up sweatshirt i bought for $2 at value world and wore eevery single day. i hated my classes and i would always look to the sweatshirt for solace. i remember that i wore uncomfortable pants when i took the ap english exam and there were red marks on my hips for three days afterwards.
i remember working a little bit in march and april... that was when i started losing weight i guess. i would only work out two days a week or so because i was always tired and depressed. then school ended... i don't recall any specific or strong emotions surrounding this monumentous event in my young life. considering how much i hated school, it would be logical to assume that this was unnatural. all that i remember is chastizing myself for myself for being so ambivalent about eeverything.
may and june memories are different in that they're all blurry and hot. i remember the yellow snack bar and my ugly tye-dyed uniform, heat, black pants in the middle of the summer, feeling fat, frustrated depressed, and rich. i always used to look at my neck and my knees. all i ever did was work and work out since faff and fan were gone and i had virtually nothing else to do.
july and august i worked even more.... i remember a lot of rain, a lot of boredom, and a lot of money. housesitting in august was important. obsession with prince and finn.... the dirty electrician from american idols live. well.... it was the glasses that did it. theo... he used to scratch the wall above the litterbox.
september was keane and I-96 and rolling down the windows.... then ramzi. ramzi ramzi ramzi.
all of a sudden it was october and i was in to ann arbor, hired at ciao, quitting liberty, obsessively and deeply involved with ramzi, and moving into sheree's house.... i had bad feelings about everything. i knew her motives. i knew that i was going to get screwed over by her, by ramzi, by everything... october succumbed to the infatuation wwith ramzi... work class and nausea.... i remember her shower. the shower always made me feel sick no matter how much i scrubbed with bleach.
november was the worst. everything crashed.... nov 2nd..... bush. nov 4th.... death of my innocence. nov 5th.... kate's exacerbation. swedish medical. neurologists. lilly with her father. me powerless as my life fell apart. the next weeks.... trixie's exacerbation. heartbreak. mom wanting to die... me more lonely than i ever could have imagined anyone could be. lonely in the truest sense.... having not just a lack of people, but people who would watch you die in the street because they just didn't give a shit about you.
then having to move out. nov 20th i escaped and was homeless. homeless, again, in the truest sense of the word: not just lacking a place to live, but having multiple places to live, all of which make you feel threatened. the kind of hopelessness that no one could possibly imagine.
my only solace being ee cummings and clutching faded papers in my hand througout the dreary afternoons.... being told i'm too young for such emotion.... the comfort of hot water and friends somehow not being enough.
then just before moving in.... december. the worst and most important night of 2004.... november 30th/dec 1st. death of so many abstract things inside of me. jackknifed trailers.... tears... phone calls..... numbness. the ground being pulled out from under me....
then this apartment... bless this place... ciao again... life again, slowly emerging. different kind of loneliness.
the end of sschool.... working all the time... and sean. how so much happened in december i don't know. i do know that everything had the significance of entire years of my life prior to this one.... and what 2005 will bring i can't say. this kind of middling solitude is acceptable.... because i tasted the alternative and it was bitter in the end.
i'll toast quiet, i'll toast rain and streetlights and green. i'll toast work and study and music and reflection. i'll just be emily, in all of her idiosyncratic quirky bumbling boring glory-ish attitude. i suppose that in the end it's more difficult to hide from oneself than to "face the music" (i apologize)and attempt to deal with each moment for what it is.
still need to find a roomate and a good place to get my eyebrows waxed.